Jealous stepson

[fionaokt]

I’ve been with my partner for almost two years now. His son is 2.5 and stays with us about 12-15 nights per month.

My partners is a hands on caretaker who engages in the upbringing. SS seems to enjoy himself when with us and seems to feel safe and comfortable.

However, he has some strange resentment towards me from time to time (quite often!). It can be anything from screaming when he is brought to our bed in the morning because he doesn’t want me there to telling me to not touch him when he sits between us watching TV. Eg. “Daddy, she touched my arm. Don’t do that!”. And then we have the “this is MY daddy” which we hear... a lot. When he does say that we go “...yes it is your daddy. And this is daddy’s [my name].

He can really get quite upset with me if he doesn’t want me there. Screams and tears. Other times he’s so lovely, getting into bed, cuddling. But mostly when it’s just me and him and daddy is elsewhere.

We do do bonding activities just me and him where we go swimming or I read bedtime stories, do most of the feeding etc.

Has anyone had this experience before? What can you do?

He is 2.5. That is it...the complete and utter reason for his behaviour.

My 3 year old has moments like this with people she doesnt really know.

If your ss is jealous then he doesnt understand that feeling or how to deal with it.

I'm afraid you need a thicker skin and more empathy.

He’s pretty much still a baby. Does his mum have a partner? If not then he’s used to having her all to himself.

Having things the two of you do together is lovely but you shouldn’t be doing most of the feeding. He needs his dad to do the majority of the looking after and your partner should be there and want to do it.

How long have you lived together?

He sounds like a two year old. An average two year old.he first have the capacity for strange resentment

Stop over analysing it and accept the whims of a toddler are mental and shrug it off

My little one plays me and his dad off against eachother for instance when he wakes on a morning he sometimes asks for his dad or me and all hell breaks loose if the wrong parent goes to get him 😂 it's an age thing. He tries to do this with other things such as when he wants juice, no daddy do it I don't want mummy, we now on some occasions depending on what it is stand our ground and try not to allow it, We want him to understand we are a family unit but at the same time he is young and exploring his emotions. Read this
www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/behavior/when-toddlers-prefer-one-parent.aspx

Mother doesn’t have a partner and that’s something I haven’t really considered so thanks for that insight.

The reason I tend to do the feeding is because his father finds it difficult and for some reason he just listens to me when it comes to this. It’s become a part of the routine..

We’ve lived together for about 1.5 years.

I have two SD, one of whom has jealousy issues and resents sharing her father with anyone. However OP I also have a 2.5 year old with DH and I would say this is normal behaviour for their age. DD doesn’t like to “share” me with DH, and when he gives me a cuddle or a kiss he gets told “this is MY mummy!”. It can be hurtful but at this age try not to overthink it.
Just be consistent and don’t fall into the trap of doing too much. Bond with the child by all means but let your partner parent.

Then his father needs to work harder at it. It’s great you want to pitch in but I think it’s a mistake for you to take on responsibility for large parts of his care.

What does your partner do for/with his son that you don’t do? Does he assume baby care comes easier to you because you’re a woman?

Our baby is breastfed and I’m in maternity leave so I make and feed her more of her meals than my DH does but that doesn’t mean when he’s here he opts out of because I have my ways of doing things. He’s an equal parent and needs to know her as well as I do, find ways to comfort and settle her, have his ways of feeding her, dressing her, playing with her. And we’re both her parents.

In your case, he’s your partner’s child, you’ve lived together 18 months and if you split up you’ll never see his son again. It’s good you’re so involved and supportive but I’d take a step back from the heavy lifting and make sure your partner is taking full responsibility and his son has enough of his time and attention. You get to be fun bonus adult in his life. That’s a good thing. It means you’re all secure in your roles and you don’t risk feeling Taurus advantage of, this very little boy has a deep strong secure bond with his dad and your DP can and does the bulk of parenting.

• taken not Taurus!

From a step mum with a 20 year old stepson, it never changes. He's jealous of me and lets me know I'm an outsider at every opportunity. If you have the chance get out while you still can. Being a step parent is not rewarding, kind or pleasurable ever. Good luck OP.

What does your DP do?
When my DSD was 2/3 (before she could communicate well) she used to climb into our bed and then try to push me out. It was strangely very upsetting for me - in bed before I’ve woken up properly seems quite a vulnerable time.
Anyway my partner’s reaction was always supportive. If he couldn’t calm her down then he said let’s all get up. And she learned there were no cuddles under those conditions. I confess it wasn’t always maturely handled - once or twice I had a mini meltdown and stropped out. I don’t think it did any harm as DSD learned that she made me cry and that’s not a very nice thing to do!
It eventually passed.
Your DP needs to help your son understand that you are there and that there’s a fundamental difference between being a son and being a partner, so that he feels less threatened by you and has more understanding of everyone’s ‘role’ in the family.

Being a step parent is not rewarding, kind or pleasurable ever.

That’s not true for everyone and OP hasn’t said she’s unhappy, she’s asking for advice on her partner’s young son’s behaviour, not whether or not to stay in the relationship.

By rebalancing the dynamic so her DP is doing the large bulk of parenting and she’s a bonus extra, and hearing from others that he’s displaying typical behaviour for a child his age, they have a chance for a happy relationship and a peaceful happy family life.

I hope so Anne, but that's not my experience. OP asked for anyone with experience and I gave her how I feel in my situation. I wish I had a better relationship with my SC but I don't and never will. I don't think a step parenting experience can ever be described as peaceful, but maybe my position is not the norm.

My stepdaughter was like that as a toddler. She'd sit on her dads lap and glare at me. I didn't take it personally! Sometimes little kids just want their dad/mum. Just keep being patient with him.

My SD is an adult now and we get on fabulously. We've had moments and tantrums along the way (mainly when she was young, she was an ace teenager) but she's amazing.

(I also have a stepson too and he's great but distance means we don't see each other often now. And he was fine as a young kid, horrible to me as a teenager and fine now!)

I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time OakTree.

I’ve been lucky in many ways, not least in my husband and the father he is, and while it’s had it’s serious challenges at times and I have no doubt we have struggles ahead aplenty, when my step children are here and the five of us are together doing normal every day stuff I feel a huge sense of peace. I’d rather they were here all the time and as much as they do my head in at times I adore them and they bring me a lot of joy. They’ll always have been in my life longer than my own daughter and I cut my teeth as a parent with them. It’s a different relationship but I love them as much now as I did before and I’m proud of them, admire them, worry about them, feel frustrated by them, want to sniff their heads, wring their necks, plaster their grazes, check their homework, make their favourite meals, learn from them and miss them when they’re not here.

Oh, I expected that this thread to be about an older child LOL
I have a toddler almost that age and he gets jealous when my DP (his father) or even my older son, his brother, get close to me (I'm the main caretaker). He sometimes tries to push his brother out of our bed during cuddle time. But you could be sure he loves us all.
Some toddlers are like that and in general, it's a difficult age, that's why it's called "terrible twos". It's not because you're his stepmother and he wants his mother in your place (which could be the reason for rude behaviour of older kids), so don't take it personally. Most probably it will pass.

This is normal toddler behaviour but its interesting that you would label it as jealousy in such a young child. You need to let go of your expectations of how his behaviour should be towards you. I have no idea why only after 2 years together you are off doing solo bonding activities with someone elses child. Take a step back.

Blackcat - after only two years together? Wtf just how many years of presence are required b

Before taking a child to the swimming pool???

My son does this when I'm hugging his dad. He'll push between us and tell us to stop. He is 2.5, the whims of a toddler are exhausting and irrational. Just try and be patient. My two year old has just brought in B.A.G (Big ass bear) and ordered me to give him a cuddle. 😂

Hes also telling the sting ray on the TV to go away...so you know. Perfect logic lol