Embarrassed at DH

[WhereDidThisComeFrom]

I'll start this with I am over tired and emotional over dealing with an ill dd since Christmas day evening.

This started way before this though. Lots of me calling out on how much he sucks in regards to all kids. Mine and SC. (Only truly became apparent after dd and exW and I starting to talk so please don't judge too much there)

Relationship between him and SC is... awkward at best. I see why now.
He isn't awful. Far from. He loves them so much. But he sees parenting as an opt in opt out situation. Does with dd too.

Its gotten harder. ExW sees kids have no issues and care about me and dd. But we can go eow inbetween with me messaging and nothing back.

Then dh very clear issue. During christmas I made sure all was brought equal for all. On my card. Then we lost some income. In that previous bubble of all being fine I was wracking it up to equal all out - plus giving exW a measly £80 towards a new uniform as sdd, was changing schools in jan.

I am very selfishly finding it hard to not be hurt sdc didn't message me in over two weeks while only turning up for presents. While covering the cost. While dealing with an Ill dd. While also seeing why exW is pissed off. While my oh so very dear "d" h sucks ass.

To add to the mess he is in the 30 grand range of debt to cover an extension for us all. Under my parents official roof.

So I can't leave. Also yaaaay, I'm 17 weeks pregnant.

I try and tell him to leave for a bit until he sorts it. I love his kids to bits I do. Really do. But I resent the work load thrown at me while he does sod all and I'm struggling as it is atm.

Add the mood he gets into while hom and ex are fighting which extends to me and our daughter. Example being I was exhausted after a couple days of her being ill and not being happy unless clinging to me and his answer was "wake or I will leave her in her cot". I heard this clear as day. Now he is claiming he said he would put her in her cot to cool....

I can't kick him out as he as invested. I can't leave as this is all I have home wise and if i did i would be classed as volunteering to be homeless.

I'm trapped. And miserable. And can't believe how blinded I was before second DC became a thing. And what is worse - I regret this pregnancy and it is to late to change anything

You still have time to end the pregnancy if you decide that is the best course of action, but 2nd trimester terminations tend to be harder on both the body and on the emotions.

Do you live with your parents, or do you rent from them? Whats the equity situation if he is putting money into the house.

Why are you paying for all the xmas presents and the school uniform for SDD rather than him?

I don't really know much about step parenting, but you sound like a great step mum, doing your best for all the DC. I'm sure you won't regret your baby once it is here.

Your H sounds fairly useless but sometimes it takes a while for that to become evident. Don't blame yourself. I know what it's like to be in a situation that you can't really work out how to get out of and it's crap. I'm sure someone with more helpful advice will be along soon.

I think there is a lot to unpick here. Would your H go to joint counseling do you think. Is he aware how you feel? Properly aware not just in a row?

I admit I don’t totally understand your post. Do I have this right? You are upset bc your DH is not contributing enough financially to any of his children, including the ones he had with his first wife and the one he had with you. You and the ex-wife get along well and you are attached to your step children. You worked hard to make Xmas equal for all of them and you would have liked at least a bit of thanks from the DSCs your efforts. Your DD has been ill since Christmas, which is difficult for anyone, and your DH has not been supportive. (I didn’t understand the part about the cot.). You wish you were not pregnant but you are 17 wks along. You can’t leave the house bc you would be voluntarily homeless, and he is £30K in debt for an extension that you built onto your parents’ house for you to live in. Your post title says you are embarrassed.

If that’s correct, it sounds like you are trying your best in a tough situation. But ultimately your DH isn’t going to change. I would strongly consider an abortion, if that’s something you would potentially be OK with, but you would have to get to the doctor ASAP, like today. It would be hard but easier than having another child in this situation. I thing you should plan to leave your DH. He can work out his debt to your parents while living somewhere else. It sounds like your life will be better without him.

All correct bar the debt - the 30k debt is to the bank in his name alone towards the extension. Sadly we run out of money to complete. He has a smaller grand debt to me and two grand to my parents for other things.

Christmas situation hurt with SD purely as I had put so much work in to making all equal. Things had been brilliant between us. Just to have her ignore random messages for two weeks and not show for contact until the boxing day then claim she never received the messages despite them being visible and read on her phone. She is only eleven, and had a rough start to high school so exW thinks she was just winding down and shut down a bit. All I understand. But hard ti swallow putting so much work in and wrapping while really unwell just to be ignored for two weeks.

Abortion I don't feel like I could go through at this stage. Although I feel awful as I seem to feel very little towards this pregnancy in general. At least compared to how I felt about DD during pregnancy. I adored her from the first early scan.

I just feel like it was the wrong thing to happen. Will affect my ability to care for dd properly as it stands as I am just so run down and exhausted. When SC are here it is me that looks after them, regardless of how ill/tired I may be.

There have been times I've begged DH "this weekend I need a break from looking after dd. Please don't then on top of that leave two more for me to look after as well" just to have him get annoyed at me I would even assume that, then do exactly just that.

A perfect example would be when dd was a couple weeks old, breast feeding constantly with bad reflux. I was completely exhausted and running on empty and tbh, quite depressed. SC came round, through no fault of their own they had a bad night. Youngest mainly and couldn't settle. DH left it to me to sit up with ss as he was exhausted with work...

That said, he has been getting a bit better. With both me and the kids. So I almost feel guilty for still feeling so much frustration and anger. But then he will do something very similar yet again and it all just comes back.

Both sc are absolutely lovely and I can truly say I love them and from what exW has said the feeling is mutual. Which does show at times. But youngest has behavioural issues both at home and in school. Which can make him challenging to deal with at times. Even harder when they aren't "yours" and you're concerned over overstepping. Or me and DH will agree on rules to help combat it, I will follow through but then he will back down and then I look like the fun sponge or the mean one. Which again as a step parent, you are even more aware that isn't your role in their lives. But then if it isn't followed through with as DH is useless and shuts down, it is me that has to handle the fall out from it all. Be it mess/arguments between sc or general temper tantrums.

He sounds like a dick. My DH does the same with me raising something, him being outraged that I think he wouldn't help and then he doesn't help.

I think your best bet would be setting it out and hoping he wants to avoid a second divorce. I think guys like this though would just ship in another unsuspecting woman to do their childcare for them.

It's ridiculous is it not?! Makes you look the unreasonable one when it is more than justified to worry!

I have tried, he will become the model husband and father for a period and then start to slack again. That said he is still improving slightly each time.

Part of his issue is he doesn't handle stress well, nor was he raised in a supportive parenting home. So he lacks a basis on what is considered decent. I always hear "When I was a kid..." then he doesn't understand that isn't normal. In comparison to what he was raised in, he is a better example of a dad.

I am loathe to give up completely on him as I can see underneath it all he genuinely struggles. That said, I'm bloody struggling with coping with it all. But I also know on the flip side I would struggle coparenting with him/having to pass dd over eow. And not seeing sc as frequently, despite exW promising I would stay in their lives, I am aware things do change and that could too

As it stands I seem to be weighing up what would be the worst of the two.