Disorganised men

[Whatnowlol]

Hey I’m looking for some assistance here if possible. I have been dating a man for 18 months who I really get on with and love, he is 7 years older than me and has a 6yo daughter. For the first 9 months of our relationship I stayed away from his daughter (whilst we gauged the seriousness of the relationship). Since meeting her and this is no reflection on the daughter more on my partner things have gone downhill. He is so so disorganised and chaotic he’s constantly forgetting additional days he agreed to have his daughter (which I don’t mind until it’s causing last minute issues ie wasted money or letting others down).
Everything with him is so hectic and he will never say no to his ex as even after splitting up 4 years ago with his ex (she cheated) he still has deep set guilt for leaving his daughter at such a young age.
I really do love him but things are starteribg to get too much for me to deal with, I’ve tried talking to him but he gets upset, closes up and says I’m being uptight (first time I’ve ever been called this!).
I really don’t want to break up with him but we are arguing constantly, I’ve suggested so many things to try and help with organisation ie calendar or just telling me but he never remebers. He works very long hours do I know he has a lot on but it’s having a massive impact on our relationship and he seems like he just doesn’t care. Any tips ?

Why has this suddenly gotten worse since you’ve even introduced?
Either he’s always been this disorganised?
Or the challenge is that now you’re involved you can see it more. I.e you make plans and he is cancelling on you constantly because he has forgotten he has his child. Or he agrees to have her forgetting you’ve made plans.

My honest response? Back away. Don’t make any plans. Start doing your own thing with your friends/ family. He’s being a petulant man child. He wants to see you? He arranges his diary. He ensures it remains free. And (short of an emergency) he honours the plans he has with you.

My partner used to be like this and in the end I did precisely the above. Stopped being so available and flexible. And asked him to respect my time and if he couldn’t, he wouldn’t see me because I was busy.
Now, very little gets forgotten. All of us can have too much on and be disorganised. Tech nowadays is so easy, there’s really zero excuse. And no, you’re not uptight. Start respecting your own time and either he will or he won’t.

I agree with the PP.

I’ve tried talking to him but he gets upset, closes up and says I’m being uptight (first time I’ve ever been called this!)

This doesn't reflect well at all, he's constantly messing you around using his commitment to his daughter as an excuse, and is already trying to gaslight you for complaining. You're not going to get anywhere if not only are you constantly sacrificing and compromising for that side of his life, but he doesn't even appreciate it and is rude to you about it.

Your post is similar to one a couple of weeks back where the DP happily bailed on plans with the OP and if she questioned it said she didn’t understand as she wasn’t a parent. I don’t think yours is a step parenting issue so much as a thoughtless unreliable boyfriend issue and if it wasn’t his child and his ex it would be something else. He’s very rude to criticise you and call you upright for expecting another grown adult to be able to make plans and stick to them. His time isn’t more precious than yours and he can’t expect to mess you around as it suits him then lash out if you pull him up on it. I assume he’s able to get to work on time and meet deadlines or whatever without prompting. Why does he choose to be disorganised in other parts of his life? It’s disrespectful and doesn’t say much for what he thinks of you I’m afraid.

Relationships should make life easier, happier, better, not bring stress into your life.

I’m not sure if I was just sheltered from how disorganised he was before or now I have met her he sees it as ok to mess me around when times etc.
I’m finding it all really hard as stressful as I know his daughter comes first and I wouldn’t expect him to let her down but he just sees it as an excuse to constantly be late or just cancel.
It’s hard because when we are together and not discussing the stress of the situation we really do get on but I’m not sure if it’s me or him but something just isn’t right.

It constantly comes back to the fact I don’t have kids so I don’t know what it’s like but the other week he had his daughter and two friends over his house for the day. He told me he would pick me up at 5 after dropping them home but didn’t arrive until 7. When I questioned this he just said I don’t know what it’s like to have 3 kids under my control and he couldn’t get them to leave so was late. AIBU in thinking this isn’t true, surely you can have control in this situation or am I must wrong due to my inexperience?

He told me he would pick me up at 5 after dropping them home but didn’t arrive until 7.

He could have messaged to let you know there would be a delay, as timings do change with kids play dates.

I remember parents being late to pick their kids up, ...so off course that would cause a delay if I was going out straight afterwards.

Ask yourself if you want this for the rest of your life...as he won't change, because he gets defensive and isn't open to improving things when you mention it.

Dads are frequently disorganised in these situations, as they never did it when they were a couple.

My DH once went to pick our DC up from the childminder, having dropped them to nursery in the morning that day.

I have children. And aside from the odd emergency if a child was unwell/ had sporting injuries I don’t let people down, just because I have children. I have plenty of friends who don’t have children and trust me, if I turned up 2 hours late with no message and/ or consistently cancelled, my friends would take me to task (and quite rightly too).

My other concern is why aren’t your talking about this when you’re together? If anyone else in your life consistently cancelled/ let you down, are you telling me you wouldn’t talk to them and say ‘I find this really disrespectful, please be more respectful of my time.’

I agree with the PP who says that parents who weren’t hands on/ involved when together are rubbish at logistics. I work fulltime. Run a house. And am in charge of the majority of the school logistics (albeit with the help of a nanny and my ExH). My life has to run with military precision otherwise it wouldn’t work. My DP has gotten a lot better but honestly, in my position I think he would implode! I sometimes look at him and think how is this all so difficult for you? Make lists. Calendar invites. Reminders. Send a pigeon.

This won’t get better OP. You have to say something. And if he’s prepared to admit he’s rubbish and needs to make changes, this will continue as is.

There are literally millions of parents who manage to be organized and have jobs etc.

Him getting defensive just shows that's he not ready to admit this and wants to carry on with how things are.

Also - not being able to make kids leave? He's being ridiculous. Teachers and parents cope with multiple kids all day every day. They don't get given superpowers, they just get on with it.

He's choosing to be useless. This is all within his control. But he clearly has no intention of changing and would rather blame you than be honest about his own failings.

We do talk, we talk a lot it ends in heated discussions about how I’m too uptight and he isn’t prepared to live to specific schedules his whole life.
It’s just difficult because I have never raised children so I just feel like anything I say to him is invalid but surely it isn’t that hard to just tell children you are leaving now?
I don’t understand why he makes out it is so difficult

Then he’s telling you OP that his priority is him and his children. That’s how he wants to operate and your needs Are not being factored in. He’s being intensely disrespectful.

I have three children. And when it’s time to go, it’s time to go. If there is no fire then of course I am relaxed but if I/ we have to be somewhere then we go. I mean how on earth do parents with more than 2 children ever get them to a school on time? Or appointments? Or parties?

He’s being ridiculous OP and taking advantage of the fact that you don’t have children. My DP tried once (only once) to tell me that I didn’t understand what it was like to look after young children. I simply turned to him and said ‘so you think I gave birth to teenagers?’.

He’s doing what he wants to do and hiding behind his children as an excuse. Sorry but he is. And he’ll keep doing it if you put up with it. Because he’s getting to do what he wants to without compromise. So why should he change?

It can be hard to get kids to leave when they're having fun. Infact I've had playdates (years ago now) and even when the parents come to pick their child up, the child doesn't want to go home.

Some of the parents are extremely lax about it and keep allowing another 5 minutes.

It used to piss me off when they said..we must go now or Sandy will kick us out. Just tell your child it's time to go..end of story.

I warned my DC that if they did that when I came to pick them up, they wouldn't be allowed to go again. It's different styles of parenting.

The courtship is the probation period for a long term relationship or marriage...this is the time to end it, if you're not happy with things. Best to do so before you're pregnant/have a child or married...or both.

Sounds like he initially kept up the pretence of respecting your time in the relationship. But 9 months down the line ta-da, here is his dd, perfect excuse to give you the runaround from now on. All I The guise of you being ‘uptight’. He saw you coming!

This is as good as it gets. He is telling you who he is. Listen.

Time to chuck this one back in the sea.