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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should we break-up?

16 replies

N00T · 21/12/2019 22:10

I've been with my partner for two years. When we started going out I knew she had a one year old and was happy to help out and support her. She and her ex have 50% custody and works well for the child.

The older the child gets the more distant I feel and am now, two years in, certain that I don't want to be a step parent.

I love my partner and don't want anyone to get hurt. She knows that I am feeling distant and has said that she wants her partner to be in the child's life as a step parent. She doesn't want to live two different lives.

We have moved in together and were excited about starting a life together, but I feel like I'm stringing her along now.

Any advice?

OP posts:

helpmum2003 · 21/12/2019 22:12

I think you need to be honest about your feelings and sadly that will be the end of the relationship.....

Whatsthesmell · 21/12/2019 22:20

Do you like the child? Do you enjoy their company, minding them, holidays & days out centred around them? Do you want your own children? (assuming you aren't a parent yourself).

Is it simply the case of your happy living with them and being a family but don't want to hold any actual responsibility for them?

Original poster

N00T · 21/12/2019 22:32

I do like the child, I'm very fond of them. But I don't enjoy minding them or doing them centred activities - I feel like I'm doing it for my partner rather than myself.

I don't know if I want children (I'm 25 and hadn't considered it much before meeting my partner).

I was happy living with them - but as she has gotten older and requires more attention I feel like things revolve around her more than they used to - and selfishly I suppose, I'm not enjoying that.

When we first got together I thought I would want to be a step parent and thought I would enjoy it. But it really isn't the case.

OP posts:

Tyersal · 21/12/2019 22:54

At 25 I would say there are plenty more child free fish in the sea. It doesn't sound like its for you and I don't blame you being a step parent without children yourself is a massive unappreciated sacrifice and not one that gets any easier

Bluerussian · 21/12/2019 22:58

You are young by today's standards to be taking on someone else's child. How you feel is understandable but what you must do, N00T, is be upfront with your girlfriend. Of course she'll be hurt but better she knows now than a couple of years down the line - by which time she may be wanting a baby with you and the relationship will be far more difficult to disentangle! I feel sorry for her but I also see your point of view (I wouldn't have wanted to be a stepmum).

You obviously care about your girlfriend and her child and you owe them honesty. I hope you can make a clean break and, in future, don't be so quick to get it on with a woman who has a child.

Good luck.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2019 23:00

Yes, I think you should break up. Shame you didn’t realise this before moving in but don’t hang around if you know it’s not going the distance.

Whatsthesmell · 21/12/2019 23:29

I agree, I don't think this will work. Getting into a relationship with someone with children then aren't becoming a couple but a family.
As time goes on you will be doing a lot more family stuff. If I where you I'd be honest with her and explain how you feel and move on. If you stay your reluctance will become resentment on both parts.

In this case though I'd see Christmas through then tell her

SandyY2K · 22/12/2019 00:21

Honestly....at 25 I don't see why you should tie yourself down to a woman with a child.... if you have enough going for you, you will have plenty options for a long term relationship.

She's not the only one you would be compatible with.

sassbott · 22/12/2019 07:46

You’re not selfish, not one bit. The child is aged 3 and if I’m brutally honest, children that age are cute and lovely and funny. But they are also incredibly hard work and looking after them is draining. I have three DC and I found those younger years relentless.

I will say a few things

it does get easier and now my Dc are older, they are so much fun to be with. So consider that.
it strikes me that your partner is expecting someone who will be active/ hands on with their child. I mean she has said as much. So you evidently feel pressured into doing activities you don’t want to do. Again that isn’t selfish of you but quite selfish of your partner. This is her child with her ex and they share custody. The child has two parents. I find it staggering at how many parents pressurise their partners into playing mum/ dad.

I have been with my partner for over 4 years. I have children and they go between my exh and I brilliantly. When I have my DC then they are my responsibility. To feed/ clothe/ entertain/ discipline. School runs are down to me and we do our own thing when I have them. If I organise something then (depending on what it is) I invite my partner. But a lot of times I don’t as I want 121 time with my Dc. My partner has complete choice in how involved they are and it bothers me not one iota if he is off doing his own thing. They’re not his children to raise.

He used to take a slightly different slant and when he had his children, wanted us to do everything together. Essentially pressuring me into being joined at the hip with them as he wanted one big happy family.

I had to talk to him and explain that I was not the person who could do any of that. That if he was looking for mum number 2, he needed to find a new partner. That I was happy to be warm, loving, consistent and available when I was with him and his children, but that those times needed to be my choice entirely. I delayed putting off living together precisely until these issues (which can be huge) got bottomed out. I now join them when I feel like it and / or they invite me but equally make my own plans and do my own thing.

In your shoes I’d do a few things

be honest with your partner about the fact that you are struggling. And soon. You’re living with them and this child has formed an attachment to you. Which will only get stronger. If you’re feeling this way, then you can’t hide this. It’s not fair on the child.
be honest about the baby and not sure if you want any. You are young. It’s not the end of the world to not know if you want children but it is really poor form to string someone along who does and not tell them you don’t know.
figure out what will make you happy. Would you be happy to continue living together if you were less hands on and involved? If you think you would, then suggest it. Although it’s a hard dynamic to change when living together.
move out and see if it gets better/ easier. I couldn’t have taken a young child on at 25. And bluntly I wouldn’t have dated anyone who had a child because I wouldn’t have wanted the responsibility. But moving out and getting space may give you what you need.

You’re not selfish to feel the way you do. But you are if you continue as you are and don’t say anything to your partner. Bite the bullet and have the conversation.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 22/12/2019 07:49

Yes, you should break up.
No-brainer.

Original poster

N00T · 22/12/2019 10:07

Thanks for all of your responses everyone - it has been really helpful to open up and get other people's thoughts.

The next thing I would ask for is advice about when to open up. I am currently staying in a different country with my family until Christmas eve, then we are going to stay with my partner's family after Christmas day - again in a different country.

I thought about telling her on boxing Day, then she could go to her family without me and have people around her to talk to about it - but it feels so harsh close to Christmas.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2019 10:14

Won’t you be travelling back together on Boxing Day? No need to jump the gun my friend, if you’re still doing Christmas visits and travelling together I wouldn’t dump her on Boxing Day and make it look like you spent Christmas Day lying to her face. Either split up today and have Christmas apart or wait till you’re all home then do it.

Original poster

N00T · 22/12/2019 10:34

She isn't with me, she is at home with her child while I visit home.

OP posts:

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 22/12/2019 11:32

I agree with pp, it needs to be now or a short gap afterwards.

I had to wait Christmas out to split, it was a hideous Christmas if I'm honest.

Whatsthesmell · 22/12/2019 18:13

I'd say wait til at least next week.
You clearly have a lot of feelings for her so this conversation will either be the end of the relationship or at very least unsettle it hugely til you work how to move forward.
She doesn't know any of this so wil be a bolt out the blue. If you can genuinely enjoy Christmas with her then do so and raise this problem next week. Good luck

sassbott · 23/12/2019 18:24

Ugh. I’m the type of person that if something this big is looming, it shows. I wouldn’t be myself. Personally I’d make an excuse, stay on with my family and enjoy Christmas Day. Book a new flight and see how I feel after the time apart

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