Bio Mum keeps making threats

[Hermione152]

Is anyone here dealing with a Bio Mum that is violent and makes threats? DH and I have started court proceedings and it’s going well as we’ve been very careful to keep her threats and frightening actions documented but since we’ve denied contact to her the threats have escalated from vague to specific and very violent and disturbing.

For context: DSS has lived with us full time for years and is as sheltered from this as we can make him but he had sporadic contact with his Bio Mum when she would show up. DH left her and took DSS with him because of physical abuse towards DH.

Has anyone else been dealing with this as a step mum? Do you have any advice? There’s not much online and it’s hard.

Addition: we already have contacted the police and have the appropriate legal measures in place to protect both DSS and ourselves. I guess I’m more looking for emotional advice and if anyone else has been through this as this has been extremely stressful for DH and myself

Addition 2: we started formal court proceedings because DSS came back from a weekend with her saying he was frightened to go back there and that there was dog poo all over the kitchen.

Previous to that we’d been trying to manage her behaviour ourselves through a group chat (which DSS was obviously not a part of) where she had been using abusive and threatening language to us (I was referred to as ‘f**k your short wife’ and DH was regularly insulted as ‘stupid’ and ‘awful’ or ‘wicked’).

We didn’t know she was doing this to DSS until he told us. DSS is 9 years old.

I’ve got nothing useful to say as I’m not a SM but I couldn’t read and run as this sounds so stressful for you. I just wanted to give you a handhold OP and say you sound like a lovely SM who is doing best by her DSS

Thank you I don’t normally post things online but I found out today that her ‘normal’ threats had escalated to the point of her saying she would Napalm us and honestly I am so tired and tired of being anxious. I know this can’t happen but it’s just so horrible.

I think you need to step back and stop giving headspace to her actions

Your DSS is sheltered and you are taking the correct steps. Why the need to any contact?
Leave the group chat and let the courts deal with her.

We have left the group chat and all contact now goes through the lawyers and Bio Mum has been only granted supervised contact through the court. I guess I was just asking for advice about how you deal with this as a family emotionally? It’s been super tough and I was wondering if anyone else had been through it. DSS has no idea (thank god) but DH and I are struggling with the anxiety and stress

Also gosh any advice on how to explain this to a 9 year old would be amazing. DSS hasn’t asked since he was the one that wanted to stop contact and still doesn’t want to see her. But both DH and I are trying to think about how we can explain this and minimise trauma to him while still being truthful. Also when he’s older and will be naturally asking why his Bio Mum isn’t around have been trying to think of something that is not going to hurt him unnecessarily.

I guess I just feel very alone right now.

I wish I could delete that last comment apologies. I was feeling sorry for myself.

I'm a stepmom too, but have never had to deal with anything like this. My SS is so lovely, but his mom was an addict, and she was pretty much out of his life by the time I met my husband. I think you are doing all the right things, and I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

It's ok to feel sorry for yourself. You're going through an incredibly stressful time. It's completely understandable to feel a bit sorry for yourself. We are here to listen.

You and your partner just need to keep going as a team. Your DH and DSS Are very fortunate to have such a caring and patient person in there lives. I personally don’t think at this stage much needs to be said to your DSS about the situation as he is still very young and I think what he has seen for himself will give him a good enough idea of the situation.
You are taking all the right steps and I would now just leave it in the courts hands and try your best to just ignore her and everything about her. Good luck and it will get easier when a formal structure is fully in place.

Your DSS is 9 he will clearly remember why his Mum is not around. My DD went through similar with her Dad at that age alcohol and possible drug abuse. She was emotionally and verbally abused. There probably was coercive control too.
She is now just about to turn 16 and clear knows why contact is limited- she now organises it on her terms meet for a coffee once every couple of months, but as she says ' things from Dad always come with strings attached'.
You are in the worst bit it will get better - I am not saying it will totally stop as every so often someone will poke the lion and it will flare up, but I rarely hear from him now. Your DSS will clearly remember that you and your DH listened to him and protected him.
Keep strong.

Thank you so much all of you for your supportive messages. We have been trying to ignore this since the court case and concentrate on making a good Christmas for DSS.

However tonight (xmas eve) around 6pm we had a police lady call on us about DSS. We were pretty confused until she explained that Bio Mum said that DSS was in danger from us so they had to check on him.

Police Lady explained that they were aware (from our previous reports of harassment against her and the death threats she has been sending to us) that she was being used as a tool of harassment but that she had a duty of care for a child so we were more than cooperative and the only ask that we had was that she make this as un-scary as possible for DSS, which she was happy to do.

The policewoman did say that they will have to come back every time a complaint is filed by Bio Mum so we’re expecting one tomorrow on Xmas day.

DSS seems to be taking this ok and doesn’t seem to be phased by it but he also didn’t witness the anxiety we had when the police showed up. What do we do on Xmas day if she does this again?

Also thank you @Lonecatwithkitten it’s really reassuring to hear that kids can come to terms with this. That was lovely to read

@Hermione152 you are now expecting them so your anxiety will be less. You welcome them in and let them see that DSS is having a great day, you thank them for their concern and wish them a merry Christmas before they go.

If the police come over to check on him just act normal offer a cup of tea or just chat

We had a welfare check at midnight they had to "see" the kids kids took it farely badly but they told him there was a bad man around and they just popped in to make sure all the doors and windows were locked

I have experience of a similar scenario as a teacher and safeguarding lead.
I'm assuming school are already aware, and following this new allegation by her, school will certainly be notified as will social services.
The children of the family I am involved with have a family support worker who comes into school to work with them, and they seem to find this very therapeutic. They have been told that their mummy (OP please don't use the term 'bio mum'', it's very harsh) is ill at the moment and can't make good choices about looking after them. In this day and age of mental health awareness, children already have some understanding, and will be able to rationalise this as illness rather than shit parenting. Even though you understandably won't see it as MH illness, for a child to be able to rationalise it as such is far far better than them thinking they just have a shit mother.