Will Christmas be like this forever?

[Twigletgirl27]

I've been married to mu second husband for 8 years and he has two grown up children late twenties. As long as I've known them they've not worked, had drug and alcohol problems, borrow constantly from their dad for 'Gas or electric' but funnily enough have money for cigarettes/booze. They come to us every year for Christmas, usually bringing nothing but drinking/eating huge amounts. I'm not sure why but this year I have got to thinking is this how it will always be? Are we enabling their behaviour. We'd like to either go abroad for Christmas or spend time many hours away with family (who don't have any spare room for step kids). It we both feel a huge amount of guilt as neither of them have any friends or family to,spend time with. Are we unreasonable in this or should I/we accept that this is our life?

Should have mentioned their mum died 11 years ago.

Then you are all they have.

They sound awful though
Does DH ever call them on their behaviour?

I've been reading the thread about people wanting Christmas alone and I feel it's fair to make different Christmas plans that dont involve them if you tell them in January you will be elsewhere for next Christmas

Late 20s - no I would not let my christmas be hostage to them. Certainly not every christmas. You are all they have because of their behaviour - drug and alcohol use. Tell them early next year that you have made different plans for xmas 2020 but you'll be happy to give them a gift of the xmas food. If you are around, you really do have to invite them but if you decide to go abroad or travel - why shouldn't you? they are adults in their late 20s. It is ok to expect them to sort their own lives, including christmas.

Yes and no, they don't have anyone else and I suspect their dependence on alcohol etc is directly connected to being bereaved. But you can make ground rules and perhaps suggest it's every other year

and I suspect their dependence on alcohol etc is directly connected to being bereaved.

really? I know many people who lost their parents young and none of them have alcohol and drug issues. I know many people who have both parents alive, well and supportive and still have alcohol and drug issues.

Do either of them have partners? That's the most likely thing to happen that'll mean they aren't coming to you every year. Until then I'd be inclined to let them come, but keep visits as short as you can, and have a holiday planned for just the two of you or visiting your family just after Christmas. It's expensive going away at Christmas itself anyway. I would have thought your partner would be hurt if you try to prevent them coming. Could either of them host Christmas? (and would that be any better?)

They are late twenties, not children.
Yours and DH’s intentions may be good but it’s enabling / funding their lifestyle.
Life is short. Have your Christmas abroad.

Break this pattern !

Late twenties? Not a chance my Christmas would pivot around children this age, not even my own! And plenty of my friends parents by this age would miss occasional family christmases to go on cruises etc as a couple. The friends would either go to another friends house/ host their own Christmas lunch or go on holiday themselves.
I’m with the other posters. Tell them in January that you’re away next Christmas and they need to make their own plans.

Some of my friends lost a parent (one lost both) in their twenties. None have drug or alcohol issues.

They have each other, they can visit each other they don't need to be alone.
Yes to tell them in the new year that you are making other plans.
And give them a Xmas hamper each as a present. Are you able to pop in a card to top up their electric too?

I think you've suffered enough with their version of Xmas.