how do I handle this?

[grotbagsthethird]

some background - DP and I are getting married next month, I was not the OW, DSS is 13 ( I know I am not officially his step mum yet but for the sake of simplicity I will refer to him as DSS)

When DSS and I first met he was 5, we got on like a house on fire, in fact so well that his mum would often tell him off for mentioning me so much "give it a rest, stop going on about her so much!" that kind of thing

Anyway, fast forward to now, DSS has said on more than one occasion that he wants his mum and dad back together - he has even written it on his xmas list.

I have had several hospital appointments lately which have required DP to drive me there and back as I was not able to drive due to sedation - this has meant that when EXW has requested DP have DSS after school (there are no set contact days its just on an as and when one of them is free basis) then DP has had to say no because he's had to take me to the hospital,

EXW has then kicked off saying DSS needs to come before me and that i should be making my own way there and back - I don't want her knowing why I'm going to the hospital because its very personal, and none of her business and she does ask why i keep going there so frequently!

If DP and I want to go somewhere together on a night that DSS has chosen to go with his friends or stay at his mums then he will get very upset because we didn't invite him.

I just want to be clear that DP and DSS go out together at least 3 times a month without me and also a few times with me - DP and i very very rarely go anywhere together and when we do it's nice to have some time to ourselves but DSS feels we shouldn't be doing this and EXW will back him up.

EXW constantly brings herself to the foreground, for example, if DP, DSS and I are out at a restaurant, exw will say oooh thats where your dad and I went for our second anniversary - ask him if he remembers! DP will then try to steer the conversation away by saying no, doesn't remember, and then carry on talking to me - DSS interrupts to say mum said this.. mum said that...

We went to london last weekend, three times EXW rings DSS and says oh me and your dad went there (wherever we were) ask him if he remembers when we did x y z when we went there. Tell him to go to this place next and do this...

It was supposed to be a nice day out but i felt like i was tagging along on a trip down memory lane between DP and his family.

DSS said hes not coming to the wedding because its not his mum and dad getting married. I try not to mention the wedding infront of DSS because i dont want to rub his nose in it because i don't feel it's fair if he objects that much to it, but an example, the other day the videographer rang me to confirm some details which meant I had to involve DP - DSS was with us so was unavoidable to do it without him there.

Immediately after I ended the phone conversation, before I had chance to relay it back to DP DSS jumped in with "oh mum was watching yours and hers wedding video the other day, it looked amazing! mum looked so gorgeous and she said the wedding cost 35k, it looked really really fancy, there was waiters there and loads of important people! (he knows we are having a small budget wedding) DP just shrugs and says can't really remember to be honest.

It's almost like he's trying to make me remember that his mum is more important than me, or whatever she does trumps what I do

DP and I have argued about this on several occasions - he says i need to stop and just completely ignore her, let it go over my head and realise that she's feeding DSS with crap and he's bound to take her side.

Everytime DSS comes to see us he has some new story about my DP and his mum when they were together - i find it bizarre that our evening meal conversation is about DP and his ex and im just sat there like a spare part obviously not able to join in. DP does say why on earth is your mum talking about that (whatever it may be) and DSS gets defensive saying well she is my mum and you are my dad and you were together so why not!

I just feel like I'm getting in the way. If anything happens with DP then DSS wants his mum involved - for example, DP's car got broken into whilst we were out one evening, DSS immediately rings his mum and says you need to get here NOW dad's car has just been broken into, you need to help him sort it! And i'm standing there thinking hello? can you not see me here?

If EXW had not been out herself she probably would have turned up!

DP said i need to just let it go over my head becuase she is the one poisoning DSS, it's not his fault and she just is sad because she has been single the entire time since the separated and therefore wants to try to cause trouble between us.

I am never acknowledged as such, any xmas cards that she sends to my DP do not have my name on them, it's like i do not exist unless DP dares do something with me and not DSS, then i exist but in a problematic way.

Should I just do as DP says and just rise above all this and hope DSS grows out of this?

Your step son sounds incredibly immature for his age. I know several kids of this age and can't imagine them acting like this. It's more like a 7 year old might act!

Your DH to be is right though. You DO have to rise above it. You're being too bothered by her.

I'm sorry but I think a 13 year old knows exactly what he is doing and your DH should be telling him this behaviour/these actions are not acceptable and, although he has the utmost respect for his mother, he needs to start behaving in a respectful manner to you.😡

I can understand your DP being scared of his toxic ex stopping his contact with his DS but your DP could take legal advice should this happen and, again, a 13 year old is of an age where he can decide for himself.

Unless your DP is prepared to be more proactive in not allowing this to continue then I would seriously reconsider your wedding plans as otherwise I honestly think things will just get worse. ☹️

Hi @grotbagsthethird - I have to say I agree with @Rafflesway. I had a bit of this with exdp & his kids re their mum & it was awful. And yes I rose above it but we're all only human & that stuff is very grinding when it's constant. You've been together ages & dss is 13 & honestly he's old enough to be 'told' off regarding this. I appreciate it can't be easy for him if his dm is banging on about stuff all the time but he needs to learn that HE doesn't have to comply with her - he's 13 ffs - not 6! Your h to be needs to get a handle on this or you will be dealing with this for a long time to come.

So a few tips iv been in that suitation before its the mother fault filling his head with all this. But yal learn to let it go over ur head. You need to comtrol the suitation if he wants to talk bout his mum let him for a while. Says thats great ya done this that etc. Then change the subject on to something hes interested in. If he knows hes getting to you hel will always do it. If it gets to much just get up and walk away.
And let ur husband have a talk with him....

Agree this sounds odd for this age - I would expect a 13 yo boy to be focused on his mates, computers etc etc. Which makes me think his mum is really doing a number on him.

It’s really odd that he objects to you going out without him and then says he won’t come to the wedding.

Agree with PP that your DO could have chats with him. I’d also ensure the father and son 1:1 time is a priority.

Good luck!

Agree - your DP needs to talk to his son one to one.

Sounds like he needs to help his son accept that the relationship with his mum is over and never starting again - regardless of whether he marries you. I think your DP saying he doesn't remember the relationship with his mum is neither believable or respectful and I can see that denial being something that encourages the feeling that his mum is being shoved aside and that he needs to keep shoving her back in as a result.

That kind of passive fudging/ denial also makes me wonder if they have never really talked clearly and conclusively to their son about what happened between them and the fact that it was permanent? If this is the case, I think some reasonably compassionate acknowledgement of his feelings is worth while. - including a recognition of the significance of the relationship with his mother, of the reasons for it ending, and a clear statement that that is absolutely permanent, and an understanding and a hearing of his sadness about that. And perhaps even an agreement that one to one, they can sit down and talk about memories together some times. I think he is far less likely to keep shoving these things in if he does not feel they are being deleted.

I would follow this up with a rather tougher love categoric statement that you guys are now getting married, of your important place, of him being a welcome and important person to both of you,and of respectful behavior expected of him. With this part, I would distinguish between his feelings and actions. DP and you respect if he feels sad (or anything else) about the marriage, that is ok and DP is happy to listen to his feelings, when expressed respectfully at the right times, But it is not ok to do x,y,z.

I would say DP needs to have a similar conversation with Ex Wife - acknowledging significance of relationship they had - paying tribute to it, while also confirming that it is permanently over, if this is needed.....highlighting the pain and conflict engendered in son by her messages, and asking for specific behavior changes from her (and asking whether either of you can do something reasonable that will help her be supportive.... there may be things he is doing/saying that are unintentionally aggravating her and sparking this behavior -eg claiming not to remember their relationship!!)

Meanwhile, hard as it is, the more relaxed and unresentful you can be the more likely your SD will come around

Good luck!

This sounds pretty awful OP. I would really struggle to cope with it.

The thing that stands out to me, is that he actually really likes you. Therefore the fact that he doesn’t want to come to the wedding seems odd. So I too think with the right boundaries enforced, and letting his feeling have a healthier outlet - things will get much better. This all needs your DP to stop with the passive denial stuff around DSS because this is feeding his insecurity and confusion.

In a nutshell @BraveGoldie has given the perfect advice. Is DSS generally quite immature, or is it just this aspect of his life where he is a bit stuck?

I think your DP is only half right. Yes you need to continue to rise above the jealous ex. But DP needs to step in and reassure DSS and advise what is and isn’t appropriate. He needs to get that done well before the wedding day. You can’t change Bünker ex, but DP set this on a much better course.

bonkers ex

If your DSs starts talking about his dm, just join in! Why would you sit there in silence? Don't avoid talking about your wedding plans, and if he starts on about his dms wedding tell him you might give her a ring for advice. Whether he says he's coming or not, still include him in all the plans. If he doesn't turn up, don't sweat it. Just let him know that his dad would be very unhappy if he didn't bother to turn up,
She IS more important to him than you. Everything she does or says trumps you. She's his mother!
I do think you're letting this get to you when really it's just your average teenage boy being rude. I agree with your DH. Just ignore it, don't take it too personally. Enjoy your wedding!

Your DP needs to close down every single conversation about the ex. Saying he doesn't remember isn't enough, he should tell DSS to change the subject or shut up.

This can only get worse unless lines are drawn.

I agree you should talk about whatever you choose to in your own home and DSS can suck it up or go home to his mother.

Very difficult situation OP, your DSS sounds very immature for a 13 year old as others have echoed. To be honest given how most teens are he will soon lose all interest in anything anyone has to say.

Your DP does need to speak to ex though and say as lovely as it is so to remember events involving DSS, that he appears to be confused and this isn’t good for his emotional well-being. Your Dp must say, I am marrying grots on so and so date, and he doesn’t seem to understand this. He must catorgerically tell X that they are not getting back together.

You then must not tell the Ex win, but letting this get to you she will have achieved one of her goals- impacting on your relationship.
Do not give her the pleasure of doing this.

Your dss is given a lot of power in your relationship.

A balance needs to be addressed.

Oh god, you sound like me in a few years time, I really feel for you OP.

I agree with what everyone else has said - I think your DP sounds like he has gone for a "feign disinterest and hope he gets bored" approach, but it hasn't worked. He now needs to be firmer, and get across to his son that he is growing up now, and though you both respect his relationship with his mother, he needs to accept that they are not together anymore and are not really even friends, so you aren't going to want to reminisce about her constantly. Not everyone in his life are friends with each other. She is poisoning him but he is being rude and needs to start being treated as a bit more grown up.

Also as a PP says, he has too much power. Why did you end up traipsing around the places he said to go to based on his mums instructions in London? Why can't you talk in your own home or have plans?

It might be worth trying to choose activities that aren't places your DP went with his ex, as well - if you go to places they have never been and do things he has never done before he will have less to draw from and may even be too distracted to focus on that.

Your DSS is 13???
Sounds like parental alienation to a definite extent, except he's old enough to pass it back to you now. Absolute madness and it won't be doing him any favours. You and DP need to be very firm on this, and DP should also be speaking to his ex.
It might be because the wedding is approaching, it seems to be the final nail in the coffin for some Exw and they act out. DH's was awful in the weeks leading up to our wedding, she really got into DSD head and we had her in tears. Nipped it in the bud pretty quickly, and made it very clear to her it wasn't acceptable, now after the wedding, touch wood, she's piped down. Good luck