Am I being a dick?

[SashayThatWay]

DSD14 and I have a great relationship, very open and honest, but there’s never been more than a what I would consider normal level of affection - hug goodbye in the morning, that sort of thing.

Bit of background, she lives with us full time (has done for a year), she has no contact with her mum (her choice). We’ve had a bumpy year with her, but turned a corner back in the autumn and she’s been great for a few months.

Just Recently (past couple of months) DSD has started being hugely affectionate towards me, on an almost constant basis.

Came to a bit of a head this evening. I was sat working and she came up and started kissing my neck. I completely froze, and she stopped and carried on chatting about dinner. Feel really quite upset about it, but don’t know quite how to handle it.

I am really not the cuddliest person in the world, and just wanted some advice on if I’m being an absolute dick and this is completely normal, or if we need to address this, and if so, what the hell do we do?

I genuinely don’t know, and i appreciate that whilst I love her to bits and would do anything for her, I’m not actually her mum, so maybe I’m reacting to things that I shouldn’t be.

A few instances that happen daily, which I have been managing (albeit cringing, as I say, I’m really not a hugger), but am now wondering about:

• If I’m stood in the kitchen preparing/cooking dinner she wants me to keep stopping and cuddling her

• If we're sat on the sofa she won’t let go of my hands, if I take them away she’ll pull them back

• Frequently (2/3 times a night) we’ll be sat watching TV and she’ll lean into me, lips pursed and hovering inches from my face. You can sense when someone is near you, and if I move my head she’ll kiss me on the cheek/face

• This weekend she started waiting up for me when everyone has gone to bed, happened first over the weekend. I smoke, so nip outside last thing - she was sat on the bottom of the stairs waiting and followed me round the downstairs while I pottered, trying to hug me whenever I slowed down to wipe a surface or switch off a light etc

I don’t know if she’s just craving reassurance after a shit year and I’m being a twat (a twat who doesn’t particularly like being hugged/stroked/faffed about with), or if this is something we need to address.

DH and I have been discussing this tonight. I’m nervous to actively tackle her on it as I don’t want to make her feel awkward and like affection is wrong, and he’s suggested we pull her on it as and when it happens to try and address it that way. I just wondered if anyone had any advice, or could tell me to give my head a wobble if needed!

Sorry for mammoth post. I’m confused!

Does it make you feel uncomfortable because it's overstepping your personal boundaries? Too much like a mum role or because it feels inappropriate?

I think if it makes you feel uncomfortable you should raise it at the time.

Is it possible she's trying to mimic behaviour she's seen elsewhere, a mum and daughter she knows, step mum and daughter etc? She sounds confused too I think

I've got my head around most of the hugging etc, it's not what I'd do through choice (to that extent) but if it makes her happy, I'm ok with it - but the neck kissing really does feel inappropriate?

It does sound a bit much; it sounds similar to how my toddler clings off me for reassurance which is age appropriate but I don’t think many 14 year olds are constantly wanting to do this and maybe you need to think about how else reassurance can be offered to her as if it’s fulfilling a need you to think of another way to do this.
I think you need to address it casually each time it happens - like when you’re trying to do something say “we can have a hug on the sofa later but you don’t need to follow me around to hug me” or “you don’t need to hold my hand constantly, sometimes we all need a bit of personal space”. All said casually. My DSD started handing off her dad constantly when she was about 9/10 when there was a lot going on at her mums house and she was feeling unsettled; in the end despite it being her dad it was a bit much so we started doing similar.
I think with stuff like kissing on the neck you need to be a bit firmer and say to her that’s not what children do to adults and put some clear boundaries.
I wouldn’t be keen on the constant physical affection.

I think I'd make it light hearted and tell her to Bugger off each time she touched you without your consent.
You wouldn't be putting up with the behaviour if she was a male im assuming and she clearly isn't learning about boundaries by you not challenging so so something has to change. This behaviour can be seen when a child is in the care system and it often stems from not having been shown about boundaries.

To be perfectly honest it sounds like over attachment to compensate for the missing parent. I’d probably want to eventually get a little therapy for different coping mechanisms as it can result I over baring relationships in the future and stop long term friendships or relationships.

I do think you need to tackle this very gently and kindly. Assuming that she’s behaving like this because she is insecure and loves you, I’d be concerned that brushing her off lightly might cause her to feel very rejected and very embarrassed.

I am by no means an expert at this kind of thing, but I wonder whether you could begin by sitting her down, and holding her hands if that’s what she likes, and asking her how she is feeling, because you’ve noticed she’s needing lots of hugs and kisses.

You may then be able to tell her, in an apologetic kind of way, that you love how close you are to each other and that she’s a fab hugger, but you aren’t really terribly into kisses (“it’s not you, it’s me”). And then get in first with some hugs over then next few days as reassurance.

Normally I would say just assert your own boundaries, but I think this is a very special case.

To be perfectly honest it sounds like over attachment to compensate for the missing parent. This. Perhaps if you made an effort to be more demonstratively affectionate in a way that’s comfortable to you, she would back of a bit, as she doesn’t need to seek it out so much?

*back off.

This all seems like very good advice, thank you all.

I don't have any DCs myself so really don't know what I'm doing with this parenting lark, and am desperate not to make any mistakes with her - she's been let down enough already!

When she's being affectionate does it seem genuine or do you think she might know you're uncomfortable?

Like others have said, she may very well just miss having her Mum around. Teenage years are so difficult to navigate so she might need some reassurance at times.

You need to handle this very carefully as if she is being genuine, you could really damage her but rejecting her further (which I'm sure this is how she feels about her Mum even if it is her choice).

Perhaps some counselling could help.

I think I wouldn't say anything. She's clearly had it tough if she's no contact with her mother at such a young age, and she's clinging to you. When she feels secure she will stop, but right now in her young mind I suspect she thinks she needs you on side or she looses both parents. In addition she will be hugely grateful for what you do for her.

Let it be. Maybe ask her if she's ok when she does it.

I do think though both of you sitting down and talking to her, telling her she will always have a home with you and that you love her, may help.

What’s she like with her dad? If he made a point of hugging her more, sitting close to her on the sofa etc you could maybe tell if it was general reassurance from a parent she’s after or something about you in particular. If it was a step son you’d be tackling boundary-crossing contact without a thought and the sex of the person is irrelevant to your discomfort.

She does appear genuine when she's doing it, don't think it's meant to cause me discomfort. I'm fairly certain of that.

Occasional hugs with dad, not often but there are some. No kissing or hand holding though.

We are very open with her about her safety and security here. We've made it clear that she's loved and will always have a safe home with us (we even have this written down in a book that she has, signed by everyone - a recommendation from school after her bumpy few months over the summer) so think she understands that.

I feel like it is probably reassurance and comfort, which is ok, but I think I need to draw the line at some of it.

I want her to be comfortable and feel loved more than anything, but I need to be comfortable too, or I'm no use to her 😬

Nothing to add other than you sound like a brilliant step mum, OP, supportive insightful. DSD is lucky she has you on her side.

I agree with others that it is very delicate and really important not to make her feel rejected. So I would not go with the advice to casually or jokingly brush her off. I agree with gently asking her about it, while saying you love her and love being close to her..... then adding that you aren't very huggy - with anyone.... that you love giving her a hug in x way,,,, but could you please not in x or y way, giving a reason that's not personal to her (when you are moving around the kitchen, your mind is in a different zone...., or that kissing on the neck is only something you do with her dad.)... and ask he if there are other ways you can make sure she feels loved at those times.....

I think finding out what is behind it is key. If you and her dad haven't been together very long then I suppose it is possible she is not used to thinking of you as a mother figure and may even have a crush? That may be about you specifically or about e plotting her sexuality.... either way, I think opening the door for communication, while not judging or recriminating, while of course also gently asserting your physical boundaries will be important... not easy, I know!

Sorry - exploring her sexuality

Awww bless her, as you said she has turned a corner recently and maybe she needs a bit of affection as she has missed out on that in the past. She could also be realising what a support you have been to her and wants to show you that’s she cares for you as well.
If your feeling a bit uncomfortable with it as your not a very tactile person I would laugh it off next time she does it and say something like ‘what’s with all the loving recently you ok? Or you after something ” see how she reacts and what she says then go from there.
She may want some girlie time and a little chat
Good luck

perhaps if you go in for hugs etc, that might make her not need to come to you for them. When cooking tea, say hold on, we can have a hug in a minute, let me just finish this. So you are not saying no, but are saying not right now. Hand holding with tv seems ok, but neck kissing is a bit odd, but then again she might not know how to behave. If you say something you might really upset the apple cart, she sounds very young, vulnerable and needy and you really dont want to give her any complex. I really wouldn't say anything to her about it at this stage. If one of mine kissed my neck I might say "get off" laughing, then give her a hug, so you are showing that you are there for her with the mum love but that way of displaying affection was a step too far

You are absolutely not being a dick!! You sound an amazing step mum!!

But there is something a little off kilter with her behaviour. As a PP said like a toddler needing constant attention/reassurance of love.

I would tread carefully about mentioning it to her, she may end up trying to get that positive attention from someone else.

I do think this needs addressing promptly though and would suggest some counselling for her before she transfers her affection to someone less favourable.

Thank you everyone for your messages.

I think exploring counselling is a really good idea - we have broached the subject a few times but it's never been well received. A good friend of mine (who she loves) goes regularly, so we're going to try and have a few casual conversations over Christmas about it with her, and see if we can introduce it that way. Her view is you only go if you're 'broken' and she wants desperately to be 'normal' :-(

As PP have said, I would a million times prefer her to be expressing herself with me - I appreciate how weird as that sounds - than anyone else, so think this is something I sort of have to get over, but if we can find a middle ground that would be ideal!

Argh, teenagers!