Opinions

[help1112]

So I’ll try keeping it brief. I just want some opinions really, as I am aware different people have different parenting styles so I want amore rounded view.
In my opinion my partner is way to soft with his daughter and I think he is so guilty for separating from her mother 5 years ago (although she cheated on him) he lets his daughter do whatever she wants to compensate.
So my partner is only allowed his daughter around 2 nights a week (mother won’t allow anymore unless she wants to do something) so I guess when he has her he wants to make it nice but he will Literally let her get away with murder.

She is 8 and won’t sleep anywhere but his bed. She refuses to eat anything other than toast and chips and then will laugh about the fact that she will eat better at her mothers just not for her dad🙃. She is asked before we go anywhere on her contact days eg would you mind if we went shopping? And if she says no we can’t go ( I don’t drive or I’d go alone). Going for food is unbearable as she will only go to one restaurant and will only eat bread and butter and complain the whole time.

Now I’m not saying it doesn’t bother me as I can pretty easily switch off from it all but I just feel sorry for her because I don’t think this is teaching her great habits.
I’m aware as I was growing up my mother was strict and I don’t have children of my own so I just want to know if others think his (lack of ) parenting style is acceptable?
And if not do I bring it up ?

Co-sleeping is very common and there is absolutely nothing "wrong" with it.

@Harpingon

It won't be an option when he has a baby sleeping in the room and is getting up possibly several times a night with them though.

Nothing wrong with cosleeping but there are reasons it's not very practical long term, younger siblings is one of them.

No 8 year old would be allowed to dictate my time. You should have just gone out and left them to it op.
If you don't agree with his parenting methods - or lack of them - do not get pregnant!!
Personally the icing on the cake of my previous marriage was leaving the dsc and the dm drama behind me!
It will get worse imo. Teen dc are worse than 8 year olds!

One way to address it with your OH is what will happen when you have a baby.
She won't be able to come first in his life and it could create problems between her and the new sibling.
He needs to establish boundaries now, so that when the baby comes, it will feel natural and she won't feel pushed out.

@JesusMaryAndJosepheen I thought your previous post was going to be your last?

@Jesus - For goodness sake, please look at the name you have chosen for yourself! The OP came on here for helpful, constructive advice. There is no need for your comments. You are being incredibly unkind. OP, my SD who is 10 is not scarred because I popped to the shops with her to get milk. Other people minus 'Jesus' have given constructive advice. Good luck xx

Forget the child's behaviour for a minute, she eats properly at her mums.

She is a product of his parenting while she is with him. This is how he chooses to raise her, it probably pisses his ex off too and there's no wonder she doesn't want her staying longer.

Don't think for one minute that he will be an incredible dad due to your influence and things you want to do differently.

He might keep up appearances for you for a while, he might ever become the perfect dad for a time to make you happy. Your dsd will probably blame you and your child for the change.

If you want to plan a child with him, talk to him. See if he wants to implement changes, then watch him carry them out and sustain them for a prolonged period of time. If he can't without you having to prompt all the time then I would have second thoughts about picking him to be your child's dad.

People dating men (and women) with children, particularly who are not resident, or don't have a 50/50 share, should always find out why they got divorced.
Chances are, these had very different parenting styles. Code for: she parented, he didn't.

JesusMaryAndJosepheen I also thought that would be your last post but you just can’t resist can you? Op believe me, your dp needs to show tough love to his child. It will not end well otherwise, particularly for her.

My dh has similar with his dd when she was that age. He never did toughen up, and now she is an adult she is vile, cutting him off for years unless she gets x amount of money from him, I could go on. She doesn’t do this to her mother and stepdad who was firmer with her; she basically has more respect for them.

Ignore Jesusandmarychain

Stepfamily attachment systems are complex and rules in ‘first families’ do not apply, making the bed-sharing (presumably with a step parent, age 8) a reasonable thing to not be happy about. And that’s before the prospect of a new baby... the practicalities for both children are hard to fathom.

I would:

learn to drive

Shore up your contraception.

Think long and hard if you want to bring a child into this relationships because the children won’t be on a par it will feel like his child and yours. There may forever be a dividing line down the middle of your family. I would not risk it.

I'd struggle to keep my mouth shut in your situation. I have 2 sons and I wouldn't say I'm strict but I expect some respect from them. He's letting her walk all over him. I only saw my dad one weekend a month because he lived so far away and I wasn't given freedom to do what the hell I liked.

@Lweji not necessarily that way round.

OP please don't have a baby with him. He has shown you who he is. as a father. More importantly his family have shown you they cannot parent their children.

You need to leave him and find someone else. There are men out there, including ones with children, who can actually parent children.

Your partner is doing a huge disservice to his daughter and this is a very slippery slope.

1. whomever said that chores like going to the supermarket should be left to non contact days is completely incorrect. Please don’t listen to that advice.
   My DP used to do this with his children. He would get ready for contact as if the Queen was visiting. Until I explained that it was not the end of the world to take his children to the supermarket and in actual fact it was a huge opportunity to get to know his children’s likes and dislikes.
   If you have a fussy eater, then actually taking them to the supermarket and involving them in buying foods is a very smart thing to do.
   He has now taken his children to the supermarket a few times and apparently the children love it. Because they pick out all the fruit they like and then some sweets they like too. And they can look at clothes.

2. No child (of any age) should be able to dictate what happens in a house. That is the tail wagging a dog. Of course activities they enjoy should be included and they should absolutely have choices. But never 100% on their terms.

The fact that this child even knows what she’s getting away with? Sorry, that’s not parenting, but taking the easy road and trying to buy affection.

If my exh allowed this with our children then I would likely also restrict contact. Because I can guarantee that the mother has to cope with transitioning the child back into her structure. With rules and discipline (and a healthy diet).

I cannot believe posters on here are defending this set up. I’d go ape shit if I thought this is how my children were eating and acting when with my ex.

The only thing I exclude from this by the way is the co-sleeping. If this is something child/ parent feel comfortable with then that’s their choice.

And in terms of whether this is or you to bring up with him? No. As I’ve said, if my ex was doing this with our children (diet especially), I would be having words with him. Unless of course the mother has no idea?

Have you thought this could be your future child?

You have a child with him...you split up and despite you feeding them good healthy food, he allows chips and toast.

You have seen his parenting ability first hand...so you know he's less than adequate.

TTC is choosing a less than adequate father for your child. Many couples split up...not all dads behave this way.

You need to learn to drive or get an Uber if you need to go out. Imagine you need nappies or milk for your baby...she doesn't want to go out... does that mean your child goes without?

No 8 year old would ever dictate whether I went out or not. Be it my child or SC.

Think long and hard about the man you choose as the father of your child. Don't for a minute think he would be fantastic if he was still with his Ex.

@sassbott the co sleeping IS an issue if its is the happening in the OPs bed and and she isn't comfortable with it

@Tyersal If she doesn’t want to share a bed with her step child then she needs to sleep elsewhere. A child should not be pushed out of their parents bed by a new partner.

@simonjt of course they should if the parent wants to have a normal healthy adult relationship as well as being a parent

@SimonJT If it is a jointly owned home/one they are both providing for then it is HER bed as well as his and if she doesn't want him cosleeping in it then he needs to sleep elsewhere with the child or stop doing it. She is not a second class citizen, it is as much her bed as his.

You are ABSOLUTELY allowed to voice your opinion. It seems we're supposed to tip toe around kids in todays world and allow them to behave however they want. Open your mouth, make some rules or it will affect your relationship and a child should not have that power.