Opinions

[help1112]

So I’ll try keeping it brief. I just want some opinions really, as I am aware different people have different parenting styles so I want amore rounded view.
In my opinion my partner is way to soft with his daughter and I think he is so guilty for separating from her mother 5 years ago (although she cheated on him) he lets his daughter do whatever she wants to compensate.
So my partner is only allowed his daughter around 2 nights a week (mother won’t allow anymore unless she wants to do something) so I guess when he has her he wants to make it nice but he will Literally let her get away with murder.

She is 8 and won’t sleep anywhere but his bed. She refuses to eat anything other than toast and chips and then will laugh about the fact that she will eat better at her mothers just not for her dad🙃. She is asked before we go anywhere on her contact days eg would you mind if we went shopping? And if she says no we can’t go ( I don’t drive or I’d go alone). Going for food is unbearable as she will only go to one restaurant and will only eat bread and butter and complain the whole time.

Now I’m not saying it doesn’t bother me as I can pretty easily switch off from it all but I just feel sorry for her because I don’t think this is teaching her great habits.
I’m aware as I was growing up my mother was strict and I don’t have children of my own so I just want to know if others think his (lack of ) parenting style is acceptable?
And if not do I bring it up ?

His parenting style isn’t acceptable, but no don’t bring it up because it’s not your place to because she’s not your child.
If he asks your opinion then be as honest as you want.
I am a mother and a stepmother and my DP used to be like this with my SDs, I never criticised but I was fortunate enough to have my own kids who were around the same age so our different parenting styles were really apparent.
My kids were a lot better behaved and I didn’t let the world revolve around them and guess what... they still adored me
I was able to show him what healthy parenting looks like. I’m by no means a perfect mother, far from it but my little family functioned a lot better and healthier and he came to his own conclusions about his own parenting style and changed over time.

With your DP I’m not sure how I would approach it. Does he have friends with children? Or nieces / nephews? What is their behaviour like?
I would be tempted to start trying to include time with families who have more normal functional relationships with their dads and let him see the difference for himself.
I would make pleasant comments like “Wow, your niece is so well behaved? I wonder how your sister does it?”

He’s got two nieces but they are 100x worse unfortunately. There parents are constantly at the school as they fight like cat and dog and I’ve been at the nannas house and watched them hit her !!!

My parter realises how bad they are so at least that’s something 😂

Thank you !

Ahhhh you’re doomed then 😂
I’m not sure what you can do in this situation to be honest, it’s a difficult one but sadly a common problem.
A lot of NRP feel guilty for not seeing their children everyday and “over compensate” by basically being a pushover and try too hard to be their friend.
Her diet you could maybe phrase that you’re worried she isn’t getting the right nutrients for her little growing body and see if you can get her interested in cooking dinners with you and her dad? Let her pick the ingredients and make her your assistant chef.
My kids love doing that and they always enjoy the meal as they’ve prepared it themselves so they know exactly what’s in it

@JesusMaryAndJosepheen but if you have an 8 year old would you not want them eating something other than toast and chips two days a week ? Also It’s not so much as consults it’s asking permission, for example last week there was no milk in the house, she didn’t want to go shopping for milk so no one could have any tea/coffee/cereal all day 🤦🏻‍♀️
At what age do you think she should be sleeping in her own bed then out of interest ? NHS advises 18 months to 4 years.

The concern I have is we are talking about trying for a baby imminently and I this isn’t how I would want my children brought up. I know that it would be different as it would be my child so I would have an input but I would prefer every child in my house be treated equally.

@JesusMaryAndJosepheen God forbid the milk run out we must be really crappy people. 😂😂 Thanks for your unstable opinion though

I think the comment about keeping your cupboards full is ridiculous. People work long hours these days and your partner will have to just ignore this child’s refusals as an 8 year old can not dictate plans. That will never raise a well rounded child, just a spoilt brat.

No she shouldn’t be staying in his bed. I assume you stay in it too which if I was her mother I would be very uncomfortable with and this needs to stop !

I see the one negative poster is likely the bitter women left.

@help1112 I get it. My DP is also a Disney Dad (thankfully not as bad as your DP though sorry). He explained to me how the guilt just makes him want to have fun with the kids when they are with him but I completely understand where you are coming from.

Try speaking to your DP again and explain that you don't think it's in the best interests of his DD for him to act this way. However if he chooses not to take that onboard, you simply have to distance yourself from it all.

I leave my DP to it now when he has the kids. I used to plan the weekends to do nice things with the kids but I've stopped as I found it emotionally draining every time something went wrong.

You won't be able to change him and his parenting (or lack of) style so you have to switch off if you want your relationship to work.

Long time lurked here. Hope it is okay to step in.

I agree the previous poster was not nice in how they spoke but what she suggested is the same as what the mediator said to my partner about his kids. They said that we should try to keep all errands and major housework to non-contact days because it wasn't fair to them to be dragged round supermarkets and have to stay in all weekend while parents are cleaning and shopping. When we did look at what the kids do day in day out going between 2 parents is was a lot more of the boring stuff than other kids and it wasnt fair on them. There behaviour also improved when we stopped doing it so much too.

last week there was no milk in the house, she didn’t want to go shopping for milk so no one could have any tea/coffee/cereal all day

None of you could go shopping? Do you have to go as a trio?

Sleeping in his bed may be a comfort thing, though.

I suspect she's pushing boundaries with him to see how far she can go. I find it hard to believe she only wants toast or bread and butter.

@JesusMaryAndJosepheen
What really bothers me about this site is that bitter woman like you are dishing out Ill informed and bitter advise to step mums who actually want to make there dsc lives better !
You are happy to deem people bad for not having there kitchen cupboards fully stocked but then when it comes to working with professional nhs medical advise you get nasty.
Your views are conflicting and have bad motives and I really wish you would look at the best interest of the child instead of just always trying to make step mums out to be evil and calling people unhinged because they don’t have the same unbalanced views

Best thing you can do is learn to drive so you are independent and re-consider having a child until it's sorted out, children need boundaries.

@JesusMaryAndJosepheen the child is playing her dad perfectly and clearly has him wrapped around her little finger. She is acting like a spoiled brat because she knows she'll get away with it. The OP shouldn't have to put up with that because of her DP's guilt. She's talking about going to the shop for some milk for god sake!

You sound unhinged

Absolutely ridiculous to equate suggesting a child might need to tag along to buy some milk to being unhinged. Way, way out of proportion.

The fact that you have talked about trying for a baby I think totally changes whether you should say anything or not, and gives you the perfect excuse. Being a fussy eater might be a grey area (though not ideal), but things like asking her permission to do things and her sleeping in with your partner will not be at all sustainable if you have a baby together. I would be saying that you can't start trying for a baby unless he is willing to tackle these things, and that will open up a wider discussion.

If he genuinely doesn't see anything wrong with those things and refuses to change, then you know he will make your life miserable and expect you to do all the parenting of your joint child so he can focus on pandering to his older child if you did have a baby, so I would say get out now.

Back in the real world YANBU for expecting an 8 year to do as she's told and come to the shops for milk I actually can't believe people believe otherwise
The fact that people genuinely believe a child of that age should be able to dictate a whole family is really sad, and the exact reason children are growing up like they are.

Realistically she sounds like she's acting like a brat and her father needs to step up and deal with that. As her dads partner who clearly spends time around with her and has to live with her/be affected by her behaviour of course it's your business and of course you're allowed to voice an opinion on it.

JesusMary

"They"? Who are you talking to? 🤣

I read all of your comments, unnecessarily rude from the start culminating in calling the OP unhinged. Nobody is agreeing with you, so there's really no need to act like you are being totally rational and sensible and everybody else is deliberately looking for ways to pick on your comments. They were rude.