Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

1 2

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Step dad is awful to his 13yo step son

37 replies

Weffiepops · 10/12/2019 09:48

Hi ladies, I’m hoping to hear other people’s opinion on my situation. I met my other half 8 years ago when my son was just 5. Initially he was great with me and my son but since we’ve had our daughter 4 years ago and he believed he was on our mortgage (I almost put him on ) he’s turned really nasty. He shouts at my son all the time for the tiniest of issues and calls him names like ugly and stupid. He’s also been very shouty with me and always tells me I’m a rubbish mother. Our holidays are always tense and family days end up with melt downs and arguments. I started to say things like we’re not compatible, we should go our separate ways etc but he just started threatening to run away with our daughter or to rubbish my reputation by spreading lies about me with work colleagues, friends and family. I’ve been suffering with depression because I feel like i’m Stuck with an arsehole. More recently I’ve recognised his behaviour as abuse and I’ve said I want to end the relationship. He continued to pick on my son so I phoned the police on 101, just for advice but the police came and arrested my partner. They said it was coercive control and because the property is just in my name, if I want to refuse him to live there the police would remove him. He used to pay about 40% of the bills, I always paid more because I earned more. When he realised he wasn’t on the mortgage he stopped paying anything towards the bills. It’s been nearly a year now since he stopped paying but he refuses to move out because he has so much credit card debt that every penny he earns goes to pay the interest on all his cards. He has recently been behaving himself and has stopped shouting at us and insulting us, but I still want him out. I know that kicking him out would mean he would be homeless and as I do want him to have our daughter occasionally, I would hate our daughter to visit him in a shelter or shared home where I didn’t know the other people. Also he did lots of work on my property such as fitting a new kitchen and painting and decorating in other rooms. He now says he wants me to pay for his labour for doing these. He thinks I’m heartless for wanting to split up our family and when I say I want him to pay towards the bills he just says ‘you’ve got a short memory’ because he thinks I owe him for the work he’s done. He’s a really good dad to our daughter which is his redeeming feature. What do I do??

OP posts:

Report

editingfairy · 10/12/2019 13:03

You might find it helpful to do the Freedom Programme - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ - afterwards so you can avoid similar men in future.

Report

Weffiepops · 10/12/2019 13:13

We’re not married, we’re engaged but I always had doubts about marrying him. Yes I owned the property for 7 years before he moved in so it puts me in a better position. I can financially support me and the children without him. Yes I think it should be on the abusive relationships page, I just posted to the first relevant header I could see.
And someone mentioned he’s a cocklodger, just looked it up and that is a very relevant term, thanks for expanding my vocabulary!!

OP posts:

Report

RandomMess · 10/12/2019 13:22

Glad you have confirmed you aren't married.

Let him take you to court he won't get a penny!

Give him £50 for a travelodge for the night and change the locks.

Honestly it will be the best gift for you and the DC

Report

lunar1 · 10/12/2019 13:47

Please don't let your DS have to spend Christmas with him.

Report

Anuta77 · 10/12/2019 16:46

One day your son will be angry with you for not protecting him from this man. You grew up in an unhealthy environment, look where it lead you? How do you think your children will grow up? I feel so sad for your son, because this is so damaging for his self esteem. Does he have a father who can tell this man not to touch his son? My DP once told his son's ex step father that if he ever touched them, he would deal with him (there was abuse in the family too), so the guy knew that the children have protection eventhough the mother didn't have the heart to break up. But she eventually did.

This man is not a good father to your daughter. His nice to her to have her on his side, to be able to manipulate her against you later. A person like that can not be a good father.

Please realise that you can't fix what you didn't break. You didn't cause this man to be homeless and to have debt, it's not your responsiblity to fix his problems.

Think about his threats (spread lies about you to your collegues, friends and family?). Do you really think someone would believe him? A man who comes crying to them that you kicked him out? And how is this going to affect you? Most people wouldn't even care!
Him working on your property is the least he can do if he didn't contribute.

If I were you, I would call an abused woman center too. And involve the police. And then, bring your son to a therapist.

Report

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/12/2019 19:05

One day your son will be angry with you for not protecting him from this man

This ^^

I’m NC now for similar reasons as can’t forgive them not protecting me because their own wants for a partner came first.

Report

frazzledasarock · 10/12/2019 19:09

He’s a shit dad.

It’s not your responsibility to house an abusive grown man.

Call the police and get rid of him.

Report

RedGlitterBall · 10/12/2019 19:19

Call the police back and let them get him out. What a wanker. Your poor children.

Report

AFairlyHardAvocadoHoHo · 10/12/2019 20:08

He’s a really good dad to our daughter which is his redeeming feature

It's really worrying that you think this. This makes him a worse dad - he's singling out one child in a house and bullying him while openly being kind to the other child. He's an absolute cunt.

Imagine being your son in this situation, having one adult belittle and bully you and the other adult, the person who should protect you most in the world, stay in the home with them and therefore make you stay there too.

I feel so awful for your boy and I hope you put him first by ending this relationship this very soon.

One day your son will be angry with you for not protecting him from this man

This. Times a thousand. I would obviously still love my mum but I wouldn't forgive her for this. Especially if I had my own kids and understood how protective a parent should feel of their children. Not just one of them. I'm so upset for your boy, the poor thing.

Report

Winterdaysarehere · 10/12/2019 21:05

You really can't prioritise your dd having him around over ds feeling happy.
Imo you are risking their sibling relationship on top of everything else...

Report

RubyRedz · 29/03/2020 05:11

Hi
Was wondering if you got him to leave?

Report

Ilovecats14 · 02/05/2020 12:25

I really hoped you kicked him out. Don't feel bad for doing so, protect you and your kids. If my partner shouted at my son calling him ugly or stupid I would flip out. We would be over, that's my baby (he is not a baby hes double digits). Im so thankful my current partner is the the most chilled man. Dont feel you cannot kick him out because of lockdown, you can he is not your responsibility. You want happy children not damaged ones who need counselling to deal with their problomatic childhoods.