Can you remember the first time you met your partner’s kids... any tips?!

[PARunnerGirl]

We have been together for around 2.5 years. I have no children, he has a 10yo DD that he sees a few times a week in one way or another (i.e. 2 overnights per week but also school run or doctors appointment or brownies drop off etc). So he has a good relationship with her and her mum.

We don’t live together (which works really well for us right now) although we do spend probably 3-4 nights together. Our relationship is serious but at the same time we are relaxed and don’t think too much about exactly what the future holds. For example, we know we will live together eventually and we enjoy talking about the kind of home we’d have/ plans for the future etc but haven’t put an actual timeline on this. We both have reasons why we are enjoying having our own homes.

I think because we don’t live together, we haven’t rushed a meeting between DD and I. I certainly haven’t pushed it in any way because, although I like to hear about her and I love the side of him I see when he talks to her on the phone, having children in my life is not something I myself have ever craved. I have always said that I would really love to meet his DD (although would obviously be shitting myself!) but will just be lad by when he and DD’s mum think it’s the right time. He mentioned discussing this with DD’s mum soon because he’d like to introduce us.

Does anyone have any tips for me for when it does happen? Where, what, how long, how to talk to a ten year old?! I don’t have children so sometimes I think that maybe I don’t have those natural sort of instincts with kids and I so badly want to get this right!

I met DSS after 6 months. We were supposed to go out but it was raining, so let at DH’s house. I just approached him like I would any other child, it was fine. He has SEN and doesn’t understand I’m now his step mum, so I think it’s probably different for me.

That said, I wish I’d met him earlier in many senses. He has very complex needs (he actually hit me in the face on our first meeting!) and I felt I was already head over heels for my DH and so didn’t make as an informed decision about continuing the relationship as maybe the rational side of me would.

Just be yourself. You don’t have to be anything, or anyone. You’re just going to be present in her life. It will be hard on you long term if you put on a persona for her benefit.

Like Stegosaurus1990 said - just be yourself. Let your OH take the lead and don’t go into it with huge expectations. She may take to you straight away or she may need a bit of time.

I met my husband’s kids a few months into dating. Both girls. It was warm weather so we met at a cafe on the beach. It was nice and relaxed.

Thank you for the simple but probably very correct advice! I have a tendency to over-plan, particularly when it comes to situations with people I love, when I want everything to be perfect.

I’ll be completely led by him, as I have been thus far when it comes to his DD, and try to relax and just be myself.

My advice would be that if you are a planner. Discard that when it comes to his Dd. Children in this situation can be unpredictable. And change in how they interact with a parents partner depending on many different factors over time. (I’ve seen it all, trust me and it can be intensely lovely but also intensely challenging). Keeping your own home is very smart in my opinion and unless anything pressing makes you think this needs changing. Stay as you are for as long as you can. I’m very glad that my DP and I have never lived together.

You have tons of positives however. You sound super relaxed. And the fact that your partner has a good relationship with the mother of his daughter is also a brilliant factor.

My advice?

1. be open to meeting your partners DD’s mum. When I told my exh, I also offered to say would you like to meet my DP? Some ex partners say yes, some don’t. I would want to have a quick coffee with my exh’s partner in this situation. Just to relax them and build some sort of relationship where if we see one another we would stop and say a polite hi. It’s nicer for all involved but especially the children.

2. be prepared to answer the DD if she asks who you are? By 10 some children can be direct/ curious and may directly ask ‘are you daddy’s girlfriend?’ (Even if their don’t quite know what a girlfriend is).

3. as many others have said. Be yourself. Relax. Be polite and engaged but also keep a healthy distance and let her approach you. Be lead by the child. When I met my partners DC, two of them were immediately engaged and open with me. One really held back and hardly engaged at all. Different personalities and also it was the eldest, so they were more on guard I suppose as to who I was and what I was doing. I also made sure that my DP and I weren't physically kissing/ holding hands etc. Not on the first few meetings.

4. ensure she is reassured that nothing will change. Children love their parents undivided attention and routine. New people can destabilise them and it’s good to say it if you think it’s needed).

You sound lovely and Grounded and boundaried. That will hold you in good stead as you move forward. Good luck and do report back on how it goes x

Thank you so much @sassbott! How kind of you to take the time to write such a thoughtful response. It has given me a lot of food for thought and reassured me massively at the same time.

I will definitely update on the new year when I think this is likely to move forward a little.

We just met in a coffee shop first, he introduced me and my children and I really just let them come to me and talk to me when they were ready. They were shy but did start to talk to me and we just went from there.

I met my DP child first time after year. We had very similar relationship: Both had our own houses and spent half time together half time minded our own business.
We did not plan meeting, it just happened. I gave him a call about something he left to mine and needed for next day and he asked me to drop it off. We met in a shopping center. Turned out he was there with his child. We had a quick chat. I only said "Hi, nice to meet you" and left. Next meeting was similar, they were in a Air hop center. I went there. Children were on activity, me and my BF chatted away. When his child arrived we had drinks and very casual chat (how you like trampolines? what else you going to do today. Dad introduced me as a friend he knows already year) and we parted.
take it easy.

Just mirroring the above, be the best version of you - chatty, bright and friendly and I'm sure it'll all fall into place. Doing some sort of day trip/activity might also help ease any awkwardness.

DP didn't give DSD (6 at the time) the heads up the first time we met so she was very taken aback and shy at first, but soon got over it and we had a lovely day. Later found out that she'd gone into school the next day and wrote in her news diary for the weekend - 'went to the science centre with daddy and his friend. she was loud but ok' 😂

4 years down the line we're the best of friends!

My tips or what worked for us was to go off and do something rather than sit in a restaurant or your partners home. Don't try too hard and just be yourself. We went sledging as it was snowy at the time. It was great and still have a strong relationship. There were small issues along the way but all in all it has been positive x

We met up in the park. The kid's parents dropped in my name in the week leading up to our first meet, so he knew to expect it. Meeting in a park with lots for the kid to do (he was 3) was great because it really took the pressure off. We did that sort of thing for the first few months, where there were distractions and things that the kid loves doing. If the kid is in a place they feel comfortable, and not forced to make small talk with you, that should help. Good luck!