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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Help! Soon to be stepmum and need advice

23 replies

g3ml0u · 01/12/2019 22:17

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 months now and he (and his ex) are finally ready for me to meet his little boy (2 years old). I work with children and am more than comfortable around them but now that it is his child I have become nervous.
How do I show that I am excited to be part of his life without making it seem like I am trying to take over?
Does anybody have any useful tips on meeting my future stepson for the first time?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

unicornsarereal72 · 02/12/2019 05:13

I'm sure your intentions are good. And it is a positive that the child's parents are both on board with you becoming part of this young mans life. Just enjoy being a grown up in his life and don't be rushing to be in a step parent role.

Stegosaurus1990 · 02/12/2019 08:41

Just treat him like you would any other child. Don’t put any pressure on either of you, you don’t have to be besties from the off, you’re just going to be present in his life.

my honest advise is to run, hide and find a new man. This is the beginning of the end.

ShippingNews · 02/12/2019 08:46

How do I show that I am excited to be part of his life

You're just going to meet him - don't "show you are excited" , just be nice . If you work with children you know how to treat them - be natural and normal.

I'd stop thinking of yourself as being his step mother too - you've only known this man for 5 months. It's all happening a bit fast !

pinkyredrose · 02/12/2019 08:48

You're not going to be a stepmum you're the father's girlfriend who's he been dating a few months. Do you think a man would say he's going to be a stepdad faced with meeting his girlfriends kid?

Stegosaurus1990 · 02/12/2019 08:57

Calm down @ShippingNews and @pinkyredrose

Op said very clearly future stepson she hasn’t even referred to herself as SM. Clearly she’s excited for the future with this man, a girl is allowed to dream!!

pinkyredrose · 02/12/2019 09:09

I already am calm thank you. The title alone says she's going to be a stepmum, not sure how anyone can misinterpret that.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/12/2019 09:13

Take it very slowly, my children met my now-husband when I was sure he and I were heading for marriage.

As you've only known him for 5 months be a nice adult to hang around with, more nice aunty vibe than step-mum. He needs stability so only go into this if you are sure of your feelings.

Stegosaurus1990 · 02/12/2019 09:15

She’s literally posting asking how she can go about this in the best possible way. You’re still managing to berate her.

OP, bitter ex wives make for miserable lives!

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2019 09:18

Let his dad take the lead, don’t try and be anything you’re not, if your relationship has legs you’re aiming for relaxed day to day stuff not super fun stepmum stuff. He’s only tiny so be friendly but relaxed, keep the first few meet ups short and let him come to you.

Butterflyflower1234 · 02/12/2019 15:53

I am a future stepmum (we're getting married next year) so I can understand why some people have been defence as you are just Daddy's girlfriend of a few months.

The child is two, he won't think anything either way. Take him to a soft play area for the first time and he'll love it.

As for handling the ex, this is where I'd be more careful. She will naturally be concerned that her toddler will be around a stranger. Don't be posting happy family pictures on social media or anything foolish like that and you should be fine. Just respect her wishes but equally when your DP DS is in his care then he is his responsibility.

Original poster

g3ml0u · 03/12/2019 20:54

Thank you for all these really helpful insights, I am feeling much better knowing that mums and stepmums are happy to help out and give advice.
I completely understand the need for taking things slowly and just enjoying my time with them both.
I will never try to overstep my place and I know that having fun with the little one is exactly what I need to be focusing on.

OP posts:

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 03/12/2019 21:04

As far as the boy is concerned you’re just another adult in his life- like daddy’s other friends or his aunties, uncles etc. He has no concept of you being a potential step mum. So just treat him like you would any of the children you look after. It’s no different.

Though, What I suspect you’re really asking is “how do I perform good potential step mum so my boyfriend is impressed”?

My advice- don’t. Just be yourself. You don’t need to make him see you as a good step mum. You don’t exist to fill that role in his life. You’re his girlfriend because he likes you, not because he needs a mum for his child.

Character120 · 04/12/2019 07:14

A few of you commenting on how she’s not a step mum. She’s entering a relationship knowing that he has a child and it’s only a matter of time before she’ll be playing a massive role in his life. She wouldn’t be entering this relationship and posting on here if she wasn’t going to take the role seriously. It’s clearly a huge deal for her and shouldn’t be played down. Most people on here are all about the Mums feelings. Fact of the matter is you’ll be giving mum a break in your time when your raising him. I have my step daughter 50% of the time, I’ve practically raised her yet these attitudes would impose I’m not a step parent. I also have my own daughter who has a step mum (not married to my daughters dad), who I appreciate very much. To be clear it’s a lot easier being the mum so don’t be so rude as to play her new role down.

Settlersofcatan · 05/12/2019 16:41

I am straying into relationship advice now but I would advise being really cautious about taking over parenting duties with his son - don't leap to nappy changes or packing snacks or whatever. Of course if you're in it for the long haul you'll end up doing some of that stuff but - bluntly, lots of men are lazy and will let a woman do their work if offered

Annaminna · 06/12/2019 13:54

You are a friend of his dad. Act like a friend. Act like you would act around your friends children or how you are acting at work.
You don't have any special bond with that child yet and stop obsessing about being a step parent. You are setting yourself up for failure with this "I am your future step mum" attitude.

Original poster

g3ml0u · 06/12/2019 17:40

Annaminna, I find your response rather offensive actually. I was hoping for some friendly advice, not a criticism on my feelings. I've known my boyfriend for nearly a year now and we spent a lot of time together as friends before we entered a relationship. It is a very big step for me and any other step parent/ girlfriend of someone with children/child should realise that it's an important milestone in my relationship with him.

OP posts:

Stegosaurus1990 · 06/12/2019 19:21

@g3ml0u

You sound like a fantastic lady, I’m sure future step child will take a liking to you.

Wishforsnow · 06/12/2019 19:30

Does your boyfriend have his child 50/50 or is contact less frequent? Do you live with him? That may make a difference in advice.

FredaNerkk · 22/12/2019 22:02

I think the key is to show the little one that you are interested in him and care how he feels. That is the foundation for any special relationship.

Since you have experience with children, I assume you will know how to do that with a 2 yo.

Beamur · 22/12/2019 22:07

I'd agree with the posters saying that because he's so little, he won't quite get any particular significance of being Daddy's girlfriend.
Just be friendly and relaxed. Help your partner but think of it like how you'd be around a friend's child at this stage.
I'd almost say be careful not to overinvest or get too attached as you're still early days.
Good luck!

hasm · 07/01/2020 19:53

Hi @g3ml0u - i was in a very similar position to you 7 months ago. I'd been with my partner for around 8 months when I met his then three y.o. I met up with the child's mother first as both parents and I felt this was a natural step in doing what was right by the child. If you have the right circumstances to work with the child's mother, then I think that is such a huge advantage. She wants to know you're safe around her child, of course, and it's always easier when everyone acts like adults (although I appreciate how lucky I am and we can't control other peoples' behaviours!).

It sounds like you have totally the right attitude. You're already confident with kids (something I was/am not!) so that's a huge advantage, but also you are already thinking about the child in all of this - and that's the most important thing. My best advice would be to stay attuned to how the kid responds to you and go with it on their terms. Don't try to force yourself 'in', or to be their friend straight away. My partner's child has only a few days ago really started to show an interest in me (asking to sit by me, holding my hand and things like that), and we have hung out fairly regularly for 7 months now! It could've taken a year, or two years, if that's what was comfortable for them then that's all that mattered to me.

If you're serious about your relationship, then working towards a long-term goal of building trust and respect over time is so much more important in these early days than rushing in with big gestures early on and breaking hearts later down the line.

As for people getting petty about whether or not you think you're a step parent - the reality is, if you and your partner stay together then you will be eventually, and I think you're being responsible in taking this situation seriously. Because it is serious! And taking on a non-biological child is such a massive life commitment.

Best of luck, sounds like your partner is lucky to have an understanding person by their side!

surlecoup · 07/01/2020 20:26

All I can offer is - Play it slow and let him come to you (or don’t panic if he doesn’t. He doesn’t appreciate the importance of the occasion so he might totally ignore you!)
And enjoy watching your partner in parent mode! I remember seeing my partner with his daughter for the first time and being 1. Amazed that he totally knew what to do and 2. Amused by seeing him doing silly stuff with his little one.
Good luck. I hope it’s a lovely next step in your relationship.

Dollyparton3 · 07/01/2020 21:09

Ignore the cynical posters on here OP, you sound lovely and it's nice to understand your thought process on trying to strike the right balance.

Step mums get a proper bashing on here mostly from the first wives club, and it seems that step mums should be seen and not heard, tiptoe in the background and provide endless patience, sympathy and cash but never dare to have an opinion or ever be allowed to enjoy their time with step children: you could be in the child's life for 10 years an not be accepted as a step mum by some.

But some of the advice is spot on. Don't over think it, approach them as any other child and step back and enjoy observing your partner's parenting. Being an amazing dad was one of the biggest things I fell in love with about my husband, the children were drawn to me in the same way as an auntie or friend or neighbour I guess, and over time they've seen me as a stepmum. The
latter has taken 6 years though.

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