New Step-Mum how to handle a 15 year old!

[Bringiton2019]

I am new to being a step Mum so looking for advice pls.

My DP has 2 children a 18 year old son (who pops in now and again), and a 15 year old girl. She is a lovely girl, pleasant when spoken to. DSD stays with us 2 nights a week and very rarely comes out if her room. My DP will take her meals up to her, which I don't agree with as it's not encouraging her to have family time. I have a DD who's 7 and she always asks why her SS is always in her room!
Just want DSD to know that she's included in the family and that she's welcome to join us.
Just let her get on with it and hope she'll grow out of it? Don't want to be pushy or anything as long as she knows she's not being pushed out.

I have kids that age and they love being in their room. I only take them food/drink if they are ill or revising (my 16yo has GCSEs last summer) I certainly wouldn't have them eating meals away from the rest of the family unless they were out with friends or something.

If my kids aren't hungry then they are welcome to sit and chat or just have a drink. They are capable cooks so they sometimes make snacks at the wrong time to be hungry for meals.

How long have you known their Dad?

I wonder if she just feels awkward as teens are at a difficult age to integrate. I think he should encourage her to eat with you however does she say anything to her father about why she stays in her room?

We have my DSD full time and she too would be in her room most of the time too if we let her, 16 now and been like that since about 13. It's the stage.

However, mealtimes are strictly downstairs, if not necessarily at the table, and she has to at least put in an appearance on coming home so we know she's alive. The last has been much easier since the baby started being delighted every time he clocked her!

I'd push DP about meals downstairs, unless there's a particular reason behind it.

I've been with her Dad nearly 3 years and have lived together for nearly 2 years.

I think my DP needs to be stricter with her regarding meals, as I don't feel it's setting a very good example to my DD.

DSD also has a boyfriend which she thinks me and her Dad don't know. DSS told us that so she's constantly on her phone.
Just don't want her to feel left out that's all.

I think that the longer it goes on, the harder it is to change the dynamic. I think your h should be pushing her to come down and at least sit with the family at meal times. Does she eat Xmas dinner in her room? What about if someone has birthday cake?

What reason does she give? Is her behaviour similar at her mums?

I am not sure if stricter is the way to go if she feels uncomfortable. It would only be the case if she was choosing tech over socialising at both houses but then I think mum might have to lead the way.

Does your partner take her out for activities, shopping, seeing friends? I think you need baby steps as you can't physically force a teen and this behaviour is now ingrained.

I don't think you can worry about the impact on your daughter as she will learn that blending is tough, it is definitely much harder if you attempt to blend when the non resident children are teens. My DC just don't want to opt in to step life, they see no benefit, they don't like the impact on the time with their parent and they feel teen awkwardness about living with new people.

My DC are very social usually but their age just makes blending extremely difficult. I think at 18 they will do what the older boy does and dip in & out which will suit them more.

Did your partner move into your house or did you set up house together?

I think strictness and rules lie with DP.

Does DSD get on with your DD?

Just try and include her in things.
"Hey DSD, we're watching a movie if you want to join us" - things like that will make her know she's welcome.

Staying in bedrooms a lot is pretty normal for that age. However I wouldn’t stand for eating meals in bedrooms so I would be encouraging your DP to —make— encourage her to come down. But perhaps rather than selling it to him as her setting a bad example to your DD, suggest that mealtimes are and should remain social occasions.

My DS is seventeen and only once did he ask whether he could eat in his room and was given short shrift. And in my house we go one further and eat at the table in a mobile phone free zone.

I think sometimes there can be too much emphasis on wanting a child to feel included and not enough on the fact that these are the rules in one of the parental homes and they will be followed.

15 year olds need their own space. Its a difficult age and I would try to avoid confrontation unless you think there is something else going on like an eating disorder. Try to compromise and make one meal during her stay a family one where you all muck in to make and enjoy the food together.

We have a 12 year old and a 16 year old at home and both spend the majority of their time in their rooms. However I do not permit eating in rooms and even if we don't always eat together every night, the kids know that they eat downstairs. Sometimes they hang around for 10 mins or so afterwards but then they're back to their rooms. It's completely normal at this age so I wouldn't worry about that. I take my daughter out to the gym with me a couple of times a week so this is our time together, along with shopping trips etc. The 12 year old is my stepson and his dad does do stuff with him but he mostly wants to be gaming.

She sounds just like my 16 year old. She would never come out of her room if I allowed her to have food in there. Our house rule is no food outside of the kitchen.

Gently suggest to DH that he encourages her to join you for dinner and then allow her to escape back to her room after.

Best time to engage in conversation with a teen is when they are in the car with you and don't have to look directly at you! So offer to drive her places if you want to slowly build a bond.

I probably wasn't a huge fan of my step mum when I was a teen. But now she is as much a part of our family as my own mum and I love her dearly. My dad has passed away but we still see her every week.

Thanks for your advice.
She's come from school and sat in the kitchen with me and her Dad.

I'm not worried about an eating disorder, just wanted to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

We're all going on holiday next year and she seemed genuinely pleased that I'd managed to get her Dad to book it.

I agree there needs to be a balance between teen comfort and expectations. Nothing wrong with expecting a teen to join the table at mealtimes.

On a broader front though I think if she is pleased you are going on holiday then you are winning!

@LatentPhase thanks 😊

I give her space, she has a Mum. As long as she knows I'm here if she needs me.

Guess a lot of it is teenage mood swings. I look back to when I was 15/16 and I was awful to my parents 😔