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Step-parenting

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OH doesn’t have relationship with son

22 replies

Orangerocks · 29/11/2019 12:34

DSS’s (7yo) mum stopped OH from having contact for the first few years of his life and now he has contact it is very sporadic (can be cancelled on at the last minute). He was in a bad place financially so court access was never an option. I didn’t realise how distant he was from his son until we had our own children. Our 4yo daughter loves her dad, regularly calls him her best friend and tells him she loves him. I’ve never heard this from DSS but not sure if boys are any different than girls? DSS was from a meaningless young relationship (OH’s words) and he wasn’t planned (contraceptive failure). It feels like DSS is just a burden on him when he does have contact and he is mainly sat on his phone whilst DSS plays with his grandparents. It breaks my heart but I don’t know what to do. Is there anything that I can do to help or is it a lost cause? Does the relationship with the other parent affect how you feel about the child? He really despises DSS’s mum and they don’t speak at all (her provocative). All contact is done through grandparents and will never change as his mum just argues with OH or demands more money. He already pays over the CMS amount but does it to ‘keep her quiet’ and not for his son. I’m unsure if he’s even on the birth certificate and have never really wanted to ask as it’s quite sensitive. She was with another man when DSS was born and he was there for the birth so could be him on the certificate. Just trying to figure out why he’s so distantSad

OP posts:
Digestive28 · 29/11/2019 12:38

Poor son. Sounds like there was lots going on at the birth and since which has impacted on his Dad, but it’s son who is missing out as a result. Honestly, he needs to realise all the issues are not the fault of his son and build a relationship with him.

Orangerocks · 29/11/2019 12:39

He has said once that he has never bothered to create a solid bond as his son could be taken away from him anyway. It’s really saddening for both parties I just don’t know how to approach it sensitively. I think we do need a good talk about it

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 29/11/2019 12:48

Are you sure it was the Mum that stopped DH having contact and he isn't just saying that? Seems weird that he doesn't want to be too invested in case his DS is suddenly taken away altogether. Seems strange to me

AlternativePerspective · 29/11/2019 12:49

Alarm bells should have been ringing the instant he told you he never sees his child.

He didn’t have money to pursue access; he has to communicate with the grandparents because she refuses to speak to him because she is so unreasonable.

But you fell for it and went on to have more children with him.

Honestly? Men who never see their children are generally crap fathers. Men who never see their children and cannot communicate with the ex through her instigation are generally abusers whose ex’s have run away from them.

Clearly you have doubts about him so be honest with yourself. What is your relationship like? Because if he’s done something to her then he will do it to you.

If he doesn’t see his child or pay attention to him when he’s here then if you split up he will do the same with your children, and feed his new partner the same sob story.

aSofaNearYou · 29/11/2019 13:11

Well personally I wouldn't chastise him for it. He is paying for his son and is a good father to your daughters, he is technically doing what is required of him but evidently doesn't feel a bond.

It's hard to tell without having a greater insight into his personality, i can see from the comments that most will just assume he is a bad person who mistreated his ex and doesn't care about his kids, but assuming you consider him to otherwise be of sound character I'll play devil's advocate and suggest why he could be acting that way.

Everyone likes to say that being separated from the other parent and only seeing your child for a handful of days in a month shouldn't effect the bond you have with them, but that isn't always the reality. For some, it is devastating - being a father was very important to my partner but he has never been able to have a particularly positive bond with his son despite trying for years, a lot of which has to do with not having much influence over the kind of person he's becoming and the person with that influence being his ex who he hates. He didn't get on with his mum so the more similar his attitude is to his mums, it's only natural that they would also not naturally get on, so the relationship is strained.

Your partner didn't see much of his son in the early years of his life and let's be honest, that could very easily effect your bond with a child. A lot of import is put onto dads having the opportunity to bond with the child they themselves didn't carry early on. Not only will he not have a strong, established connection with him from the early days of caring for a newborn, but he will most likely have had to actively move on from missing him, and let go of the idea of being close to him, during that time. In the early days, my partner spent a lot of time being very, very sad over missing his son, which is perhaps something your partner is trying to protect himself from, especially since he has lost all contact before so knows it can happen.

By all accounts, being very close to a child you rarely see who you struggle to get along with because of issues with the mother is a recipe for heartache. So I would be gentle with your partner about his decision to avoid that.

He needs to ensure when he has his son he is treated warmly and also not foisted off onto other people, however, as that isn't fair on them.

Dontdisturbmenow · 29/11/2019 15:40

He is 7yo, of course he could still bond with him. If he isn't it is because he can't be bothered to make an effort.

He might maybe have an excuse that he struggke to bond in the first years if what he says is true but he has no excuse whatsoever not making the effort now.

All you can do is get your oh to push himself to make an effort. Otherwise what is even the point of seeing him at all?

Pipstelle · 29/11/2019 16:00

I'd leave it alone. Being kept from your own child is horrendous and the emotional gymnastics it takes to withstand it are so complex. People will happily take shots at him for not going to court but an obstructive mother is very hard to get around and would require lots of trips to court in likelihood.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 29/11/2019 16:05

It feels like DSS is just a burden on him when he does have contact and he is mainly sat on his phone whilst DSS plays with his grandparents.

What a shit dad.

It breaks my heart but I don’t know what to do.

It’s not you that needs to do something. It’s him. You can’t make him want to spend time with his child.

Truthfully, if you separated- he’d be the same with your DD. The only reason he is a “good dad” with your dd is that she is conveniently located in the house where he lives.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 29/11/2019 16:07

I didn’t realise how distant he was from his son until we had our own children.

How?? Confused did you not know him very well?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/11/2019 18:33

I would have walked the moment I knew he had had huge chunks of time absent from a child’s life.

How could you not realise how poor the relationship was between them?

There’s not a chance I would have had more children with him ever.

Lovemenorca · 29/11/2019 18:34

* Just trying to figure out why he’s so distant*

Because he’s a Disney dad. When the going is good - he’s fine
If his relationship broke down with you he’d be the same with your daughter

Lovemenorca · 29/11/2019 18:36

* I didn’t realise how distant he was from his son until we had our own children.*

Op, not to put too fine a point on it, but you can’t be the sharpest tool in the box if this is really the case

fuzzymoon · 29/11/2019 18:42

If all he does is play on his phone during contact and shows his son no love then he is most definitely being emotionally abusive.

How do you love someone that does that ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2019 22:59

If his relationship broke down with you he’d be the same with your daughter

That’s a horrible thing to say and not a guarantee at all. If they broke up he’ll still have been involved in the pregnancy, at the birth and bonding from birth till whatever point in the future, a completely different scenario.

He’s also not a Disney dad, that’s a thing but it’s not correct here.

sue51 · 29/11/2019 23:09

Poor little boy, playing second fiddle to a phone.

wtffgs · 29/11/2019 23:22

Truthfully, if you separated- he’d be the same with your DD. The only reason he is a “good dad” with your dd is that she is conveniently located in the house where he lives

Sadly, I think this is spot on. If he actually cared about his child he would try to build a relationship. He just can't be arsed. I feel sorry for the boy.

Pipstelle · 30/11/2019 00:52

I don't think it's as simple as "he can't be arsed". It's incredibly easy to say you'd happily and easily give your whole heart to a child you may never see again but it's simply not that easy. I don't think his struggles with his son reflect in anyway what seems to be a loving and close relationship with his daughter.

ShippingNews · 30/11/2019 00:58

My son had the exact same problem with his ex, she was a terrible person and used the children like pawns in a game. BUT he loved / loves his children and spent every single moment with them that he could ( despite her threats to withhold access etc). You don't stop loving a child because of the bad relationship with their other parent.

I'd be very wary about his stories if I were you - easy to say "my ex was terrible and that's why I ignore my son". Big red flag to me.

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/11/2019 01:13

Have you asked his parents? Are you absolutely sure the access via grandparents isn’t court ordered?

Sweetpeach3 · 30/11/2019 01:22

Tricky one

My ex had 4 kids -3 mums
Oldest 2 moved in as soon as I moved in with him (pretty quick to the relationship) I took them on an brought them up, mum was never in the picture and theirs only 5 years between me and his oldest so I took on a lot

His other 2 was such a strange situation I didn't get my head around until I heard it for myself and not from him!
They was both made around the same time one was a relationship an the other was on a break from the relationship (8weeks appart birthdays) the oldest DM cut him off completely (he was obviously a twat doin what he did but he was a kid an goin through a bad time he says but hey)

The one who he had the relationship with was fine with him an they carried on as they did

Sweetpeach3 · 30/11/2019 01:28

The one who he had the relationship with was fine with him an they carried on as they did but the other went awol and told people she moved abroad (she never) she just kind of went loopy

He took her to court she got family to lie an say she had moved abroad so he had no chance of seeing their child even though he's never been out the country. He wasn't on the bc so was at a loss. But Every now and again around June she will ring and ask him to send money, meet up and buy all his uniform. (He sends cards every occasion possible with his number and adress) butHe does as she asks an when they go to meet up she lets him go an doesn't turn up an makes some sillyyyy excuses. This has happened for the past 6 years. I try not to get involved in this I just support it the best I can as Iv heard him cry a lot an we've other kids to focus on not this one woman playing a game an not pressure anything

but what I'm saying is. Your DP will figure it out himself just support him the best you can, the mother stopped that bond so he probably feels as awkward as DS because men can really be that childish and awkward in these situations. Only thing I can suggest is family days out and situations were they have to bond

Hope it works out ok xx

Sotiredofthislife · 30/11/2019 07:27

He was in a bad place financially so court access was never an option

This is a poor, poor excuse. There’s not much law in child contact cases - child has a right to a relationship with both parents. You don’t need a solicitor and barrister to establish that. You do need legal support if you know that there would be allegations of abuse but I am aware of a case of a convicted paedophile and even he is allowed very limited, supervised access with his child, for example. He could, had he really wanted, more likely than not, secured his access and moved forwards with his relationship.

I think you mean well, OP. But I think you are being very naive. He is a very poor father at best. At worst, there is something to hide.

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