New baby

[mrnoballs]

I know I'm at risk of being torn apart, but long story short is I have a 10 yr old DSS. We've always had a good relationship and our time with him has always very much revolved around doing lovely things for him etc (days out, holidays etc etc).

I now have a newborn baby, and I resent that most weekends are spent essentially tagging on to activities purely for my DSS, which basically means i sit in cafes in trampoline/climbing centres with my baby or stay at home on our own. If we try to do things like stay in and play etc DSS becomes moody and rude saying he's bored etc.

It's the first time I've felt regret over being with someone with a previous child. I know its bad to say... but i really resent him and find myself dreading when we have him (which is about 50/50).

Perhaps make a big deal of dss choosing the activity from a few choices and that is Sat afternoon planned. Sunday afternoon will be in the house relaxing/walking/swimming whatever it is you would rather do as a family.

@aSofaNearYou miniature golf, cinema (if the right film is on), bowling, climbing, arcades, funfairs, sometimes swimming etc. he's not interested in Santa's grotto anymore :(

@LL83 yes this is a good idea :)

Maybe its down to dad to speak to him if not already done so to explain things have changed and he needs to share his time & love with both of them.
This!
You don't have two kids, your dp does, & it's his responsibility to sort this out. My ds2 was born at the start of the summer & was a dreadful sleeper & my poor ds1 who was 6 at the time spent the vast majority of the summer doing boring things with a cranky baby & a zombie mother. That's family life & your dp's family now consists of 2 kids & he needs to learn how to deal with this & yes, explaining to his 10 year old that he now has 2 kids & that things will have to be a bit different from now on is the best thing he can do for him. Dss's life doesn't stop when he leaves your house. He has a whole other life/set of experiences/treats at his dm's. He's not hard done by but if your dp continues along this road he'll end up with a very selfish & entitled teenager. I honestly don't get why nr children have to be treated like vips - to the detriment of everyone else in the house - when they come to stay. Yes, not living ft with one of their parents is very hard, but it's also very hard for subsequent children having to watch half or step siblings being constantly treated with kid gloves.

Not all 10 year olds will enjoy a Christmas fare t h and a walk in the park isn't that exciting.

It's a case of your DS balancing things, but from the perspective of your DSS, he comes to spend time with his dad, not you.

I would also say any telling him activities are cutting down should come from his dad, or you'll just be seen as the wicked one.

It's easier to dislike a step parent, than your own parent.

Bear in mind that boys are also generally less interested in babies than a girl that age might be.

@SandyY2K I agree any discussion should come from DH, but tbh I think just gradually changing how we approach the weekend might work. I like the idea from a PP about letting him choose an afternoon activity whilst the morning is more chilled or vice versa.

I do understand that DSS primarily visits to see his DD. But I do think he wants to see me and his DS too.. I hope so anyway! We've always had a great relationship and I don't think (I hope) he wouldn't rather we just all split off every weekend.

I was a stepchild myself and got a lot of enjoyments from my step parents/half siblings, but I definitely just slotted into their lives as opposed to the weekend revolving around me, and i was happy with that.

But remember that your ds doesn't see his dad during the week either. So his needs need to be met too

@FraglesRock absolutely. He'd actually have more bonding time with his dad if they watched a film together/played games rather than being watched doing an activity from afar. He does also spend one to two nights with us mid week.

I think i need to make it clear that I've spent the last 7 years putting my DSS first, moving house to be closer to him, dedicating weekends to him (which is rightly so), I just want the same amount of love and dedication given to my DD, and it annoys me when my DSS complains if we suggest doing something that is vaguely centered around someone else.
I think that's surely quite a natural feeling from a new mum? (And I would feel exactly the same if he was my own DS)

Yanbu at all.

Apparently it's ok for you to revolve the baby around the other child, but totally unreasonable for the other child to have to accommodate the baby. "He didn't ask for the baby" And the baby didn't ask for him. He's not special because he popped out first.

You have him 7 weekends out of 9 and a couple of nights during the week!! This is not some deprived "I only see daddy twice a month, every other weekend" little lad. He's very much actively in your household, not clutching at precious moments to see DF. He's been the only star of the show for 7 years now, it's only ever been all about him. And now it's not.

He needs to learn to share. To not expect everyone to traipse round on all these activities because sitting at home playing games just isn't good enough for him. Honestly?! He sounds spoilt and entitled. My DS is 11. We've got twins due soon. And he'll be sitting at home a lot more, because guess what, he's had 11 years of doing as he pleases, and it matters not a jot whether these twins are his full/half/step siblings. He has siblings now. And they will have greater dependency on me than he does whilst they are tiny, so, he'll have to get on with it. He accommodates them just as much as they will accommodate him.

@Courtney555 I'm on exactly the same page as you! It is our fault we've set the expectation though, but he used to be so excited/grateful/caring etc, we were happy to do it. Now there's the air of expectation and indignant responses, I don't want to pander to it.

There’s too big an age gap between them so bonding and shared activities are unlikely. By the time the youngest is old enough to want to do activities they choose, the eldest will be well into high school years and will have their own social life.

Changing things now will just make him resent the new arrival and he may choose to spend less time with dad and stay home instead.

It is our fault we've set the expectation though, but he used to be so excited/grateful/caring etc, we were happy to do it. Now there's the air of expectation and indignant responses, I don't want to pander to it

He's a child. Most children won't keep being excited and overtly grateful for events that have become routine.

You can't be cross with him for something he wasn't responsible for. And words such as "entitled" and "pander" imply the issue is with the child.

The pattern of weekend events has been established for a long time so if you and DH want the pattern to change you have to plan and support him through that change. You can't expect a 10 year old to magically become selfless.

As I said earlier I understand why you feel emotional, but I can still feel your emotions being directed at dss himself.

You acknowledge you are envious of what you perceive other first time parents to be doing and believe that the reason you aren't experiencing those things is because of dss.

It's ok to implement changes but please be careful about how you do it.

1/4th of all you doing activities he wants to do. 1/4 him doing activities with his dad alone. 1/4 doing nothing at home and entertaining himself (although giving him things to do at home that he enjoys too), 1/4 doing things he doesn't enjoy and told tough as it is in all normal families.

So you are saying most weekends - in blended families that is every other week - is that the case in yours?

Because if it is - then YANBVU

@stuffedpeppers I've mentioned it in previous responses. He is with us 3/4 weekends (due to his DMs work) and 1-2 nights during the week. It's blended.

@GertiMJN You are right, I do feel myself resenting him and it's not his fault (that's essentially why I started this thread in the first place), however a lot of the advice on this thread is helping me think more rationally. I'm hoping it's just hormones/tiredness that's causing me to feel negative