New baby

[mrnoballs]

I know I'm at risk of being torn apart, but long story short is I have a 10 yr old DSS. We've always had a good relationship and our time with him has always very much revolved around doing lovely things for him etc (days out, holidays etc etc).

I now have a newborn baby, and I resent that most weekends are spent essentially tagging on to activities purely for my DSS, which basically means i sit in cafes in trampoline/climbing centres with my baby or stay at home on our own. If we try to do things like stay in and play etc DSS becomes moody and rude saying he's bored etc.

It's the first time I've felt regret over being with someone with a previous child. I know its bad to say... but i really resent him and find myself dreading when we have him (which is about 50/50).

Your baby gets 100% of her dad's attention the rest of the week and the weekends you don't have your step son.
Your step son deserves to get some of his dad's time too.

B) as a SM, I can't really discipline him like I would my own child. If he were my own I'd tell him to stop being selfish and that there has to be a compromise with our time and basically to suck it up for the time being whilst the baby is so small.

We also don't want him to feel pushed out by the baby, especially as he isn't with us full time. So it's a little more sensitive that the standard non blended family (if that makes sense?)

You do realise that these two paragraphs completely contradict each other. He is a little boy who has already gone through his parents separating (unless he was a baby or not born at the time), dealing with a stepmum coming into his family, and now a new baby. What about his mum? Has she had any new partners or children for his to adjust to? It’s hard for him right now. He’s ten and been through a lot.

For those showing understanding and offering suggestions of things to do/how to manage it, thank you so much it's really helpful.

For those saying I'm being unreasonable, I totally understand that and know it, that's why it bothers me so much. You also need to remember i am extremely sleep deprived and hormonal.

However this thread is helping me to snap out of it a bit and I do agree that this is as much of an adjustment for him and it is for me. I will try to do better with it all

Once they start laughing with each other, then crawling around the floor together, splashing daddy a the swimming pool etc it will be TOTALLY worth it!

You have all week to go to little baby classes. Think of all the extra stimulation your child is getting from going to these places. Will make them smarter and more robust as they'll want to do whatever the older child is doing.

You sound like a very caring person, don't worry, the more kids you have around (yours or otherwise) the more mummy guilt there is.

Babies don't really care where they are as long as their needs are met. You've got second baby guilt with out the first baby.

I'd ask for a schedule (rough) re when ds is round and how many of those days will be out all day or part so that you have a bit of freedom, ds and dh have time, you all go out together and eventually they all go out and you have a break alone.

Once you're both happy that everyone's needs are met then agree that whining from dss will not be rewarded. Look at making home more exciting without pandering to the must entertain child at all times etc

I have been in the same position and gone through a similar thought process, only to arrive at the conclusion that newborns basically just can't do anything.

It sounds obvious, but when you're planning an activity and find yourself thinking "hang on why is this always fun for DSS while baby is just sat in my arms doing nothing", just remember that other than baby clubs there is basically nothing aimed at your baby that doesn't involve them just being held or pushed around while others do things, because that's basically all they can do at this stage.

You're visiting places for children and very aware of the stage in parenting where you fill your time with child friendly activities (through your SS), which is an insight people who don't have step children don't have, and by default you expect that for your child too, but the truth is they're just not at that stage yet. Even when SS isn't here, I find myself at a loss to think of a kids day out a newborn would be ready to get much out of beyond observation and stimulation.

My daughter has just turned one and can now walk so doesn't need to be in her pushchair all the time, and when we go to soft play she is fully engaged herself in the toddler area, but before she could get around by herself I wouldn't say there were many activities that felt like they were "for" her, with or without her brother there.

I am in the exact same situation at the moment and do not blame you one bit. It's a normal feeling to become protective of your baby and just want that time as a family to yourself,no matter how much you love your step child. I'm working through it now and making an effort for us to be a family, because it started to turn into the step child wanting dad all to himself and me and the baby out the way. Sometimes it's important to do thing as a foursome, and other times just leave dad with son and have a nice time. Obviously also vital you dad and baby have a day a week when you don't have him, to go out together and make special memories. If people haven't been in this situation it's hard to give advice as you cant help how you feel. Hormones play a large part as well in these early months so don't feel bad x

Your comments are so kind and really helpful, thank you so much :)
I'm going to make a conscious effort to do a lot to what you have suggested and also think about the bigger picture and not the immediate worries which are hugely exacerbated due to lack of sleep and wine

You sound lovely. You'll all work it out

Is the problem maybe partly that you're comparing your life to those of your NCT friends who are all first time mums whose family lives now revolve entirely around their new babies?

Do you have any friends with older kids? Or does your DP have friends with kids a similar age to DSS? If so, it might be good to cultivate these friendships a bit so you can be with friends who do similar things to you. DSS would benefit too from seeing other kids a bit closer to his own age at weekends and a few play dates might take the pressure off needing to entertain him all weekend long.

@Firefliess yes that's a good suggestion and I have asked my DH to sort some play dates out but he can be a bit disorganised and then no one is available last minute! I'm going to take ownership of this a bit, as I think DSS would really enjoy it too. I do envy my NCT friends I have to say.

DSS has been with us this weekend, I've made a conscious effort to be less uptight and apart from a slightly stressful time when DD was crying and DSS was rolling his eyes (I pretended not to see and counted to ten in my head), it was a nice weekend. We did an activity today which did involve being sat in a cafe, but I tried to see the positive a bit more and DD was ok.

I can't 100% say I'm loving it all the time, and there are lots of things I'd have rather done today, but DSS will be going back having had a nice weekend and I'm pleased about that

@mrnoballs
I don't think you're being unreasonable atall. I'm in a similar situation to you and I think things do need to change when a new baby comes along. You all need to adapt as a family so doing activities that only revolve around your step child isn't fair on the rest of you.
I completely understand the resentment you feel and you're right you literally can't help the rage inside! You do sound like you're handling it much better than me though 😂 me and my partner don't agree on the way he should be disciplined atall, or should I say he doesn't discipline ataall!
We have my partners son every weekend and he's got to take him to football every Saturday and Sunday which isn't done till the afternoon so can never plan any days out as by the time he gets back and showered it's 2pm.
I feel you and you're not alone! Really hope it gets better for you, you sound much stronger than me as I'm at the end of my tether 🙈

@Hayley2407 please don't beat yourself up, I posted that message when the weekend was over, there were times when I felt really stressed/resentful and had I have posted then it would've been very different!

Yeh fact you have your DSS every weekend is full on. Why is that? It's hard if he's used to playing football so much, but is there anyone else who could share taking him? Eg his DM or another family remember? I know my Grandad would often help out and take my cousin to football if my uncle couldn't.

I hear you on the discipline side of things, I feel if I ever say a negative word I'm labeled a wicked stepmum.

I'm sorry you're feeling low, feel free to vent any time as I promise I'll totally understand (as well as a lot of really helpful people on this thread). It's also important to remember that we still love our SC, it's just a huge shift in the dynamics (for everyone), but we are probably the most tired and hormonal, so find it the extra bit hard

Siblings with 10 year age gaps, won't have much on common.

Why would you logically expect a 10 year old to do baby activities.

Why tag along...just stay home with the baby.

If it was my older child and my baby, I'd much rather stay home and let DH take the older one out.

@SandyY2K I'm not suggesting he do activities for babies. An example of what I would suggest is an afternoon in watching a film with popcorn/playing board games etc, whilst the baby can happily kick around on the mat/in the bouncy chair etc. I'm not suggesting this all the time, but this isn't enough for DSS and he constantly wants to be taken out to things like bowling/trampolining/cinema etc which splits us all up.

I totally want them to have father/son time and have always been an advocate of this over the years. But when it means I'm expected to spend 75% of my weekends alone, with no support/company it gets me down. I also think it's important my DD has time to bond with her Dad/Brother and we can't do this if we spend all our time apart.

Finally (sorry it's long) my DH works late into the eve, so she doesn't spend much time with him mid week at all, which means I could really do with help at the weekend as having a small baby/lack of sleep/lack of personal time can be hard going.. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, and when I see my friends with their partners and their baby's going for long walks, having duvet days, visiting sensory classes etc together, it really gets me down.

This sounds like a classic case of Disney Dad. He's been taking your DSS out having fun all the time as I imagine he doesn't see him often so wants him to have a great time however life is sometimes 'boring' so DSS does need to experience that side of time with Dad too.

I wouldn't change things overnight but I do think you need to make some changes. Maybe spend some time at home playing board games or doing arts and crafts. Wishing you lots of luck but you DP needs to be onboard too.

@Butterflyflower1234 we do have him 3/4 weekends and a night mid week, so it's not that we don't see him often, but you're right, we did over do it on the activities as DSS has always wanted to be "doing something" and finds it hard just to chill at home.
I don't really think my DH is a Disney dad though, not in the negative connotation at least.
Agreed though that making changes gradually makes sense.

Why not do things they both can do, like swimming or a softplay that welcomes babies up to 12 year olds etc. With Christmas coming up you could take them both to the grotto / christmas fairs etc.

To be fair your problem with dd tagging along to activities would be the same if he was your son - 10 yo, especially active ones like your DSS, do get bored easily, and to put it bluntly their activities are far more fun for parents than baby ones. Eventually even your dd will realise this too and insist on tagging along too (my 10 month old DN insists on trying to rock climb alongside his brother and my 8 yo DN, to the point where despite not being able walk yet, with a harness etc he has started to traverse under supervision. He is also trying to swim to copy big brother!).

Cut down on the activities for now. You are exhausted and need the support of your DH. DSS will have to suck it up for now.

Still do some thing but not every weekend. He'll soon get used to it.

Also why do you think you can not discipline him? He's in your house, of course you can. DS friends were often around and I disciplined them and expected the boys to be disciplined at other people's homes.

I totally want them to have father/son time and have always been an advocate of this over the years. But when it means I'm expected to spend 75% of my weekends alone, with no support/company it gets me down. I also think it's important my DD has time to bond with her Dad/Brother and we can't do this if we spend all our time apart.

I get this completely and I know my OH would be similar if we had a child together. They are so paranoid about their non-resident kids having non-stop fun when they're together that common sense goes out of the window.

I'm 100% sure that when my SD (child 2) was born, my OH wasn't allowed to just be out with SS (child 1) having fun all weekend while their mum did all the hard work.

In your shoes I would definitely expect to spend most of the weekend all together rather than me at home with baby while OH is out with SS. Can he not take SS to the cinema or soft play or the park for a couple of hours and then come home? Why can SS not watch a film with everyone else, or play in the garden, or do a puzzle, or play on a tablet? Whatever!

He doesn't need to be out and about all the time and at 10 he's old enough to understand that his dad needs to help out with the baby and they can't leave you home alone all the time.

I also completely get your resentment of doing activities solely based around SS.

If I were in your shoes and stuck at home with a baby most of the time, I would massively resent if my only chance of getting out of the house with my OH at the weekend was to go to some awful softplay or whatever else SS likes to do. There must be some things that are more enjoyable for everyone, like a walk in a nice park with a playground or even a day out to a farm or swimming.

I think your problem is that your dh hasn't adapted to being a second dad. So in a years time your dc won't see his dad very much at all if things don't change. He's a dad to two children now. He needs to meet the needs of both.
I do agree he's got the time to change things slowly as long as he sees the need.

Most people giving you a hard time have most likley never been in your situation, understand how you feel 100% as i am in a similar situation. Ignore the unhelpfull comments, you are human and allowed to feel like this at least your looking to try and make things better. Your tierd and worn out and still figuring out how to be a mum and a step mum which is a harder job than looking after your own child somtimes its a constant minefield of feeling resentful somtimes but also caring about that child and wanting the best for them too and like you say not wanting him to feel pushed our or affect his relationship with his dad. Maybe its down to dad to speak to him if not already done so to explain things have changed and he needs to share his time & love with both of them. He may have a strop about it at first but will get used to it. Does your partner know how your feeling? Is there a way you can have a family meeting to both speak to DSS and say he will be going out for activities once every other weekend and the other weekend stay at home so he can have some special time with new sibling? / play games at home. Unfortunatley there is not alot that can be done to make this situation any easier except spend more quality time with your partner when you are together or plan out the days on a calender so you all know when the days out/in will be. It does get easier and when he is a teenager may get much easier when DSS wants to play on playstation or go out with his friends. Hang in there and keep talking about how you feel or the resentment builds up. Things will get easier. You do also have a right to discipline your step son you are helping to raise him and he needs to learn to respect you. hope things get easier soon for you.

Thank you everyone. Honestly walks in the park etc have all been suggested, as well as soft play, but he's 10 going on 18 and thinks going to the park with us is uncool and hasn't been to soft play for a couple of years now. He looked a bit underwhelmed when we mentioned Xmas fairs 😐
Thanks for the advice though, I'm taking a lot of it onboard.

Wrt to disciplining, I know it sounds odd, but up until about a year ago, he was so good I never really needed to discipline him. If he's rude / ungrateful now, I do say the odd thing, but I do get worried he'll associate DD with me becoming boring/mean/moody etc and I know my DH would really worry if I properly told him off, so I just leave it to him...DH does pull him up on things, but ultimately DSS will always get his own way as DH would be worried he'd decide he doesn't want to visit us anymore (I don't think that would happen to be honest), but I think he worries about the risk of this.

He turns his nose up at Christmas fairs? What kind of magical events are these that are good enough for him.