Feeling left out...

[OKL19]

Hi all,

First post so excuse any errors. I don't have any friends in step-mum roles so am looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

I have been with my partner a year and a half now and he has two children from a previous marriage. Neither of us were looking for anything serious when we started dating, but we get on great and have grown to really love each other. I met the kids (3 and 6 year old) after 9 months, and I've done all I can to be supportive and create a balance between being involved and respecting his relationship with the kids.

I know the answer is probably that I need to talk to him, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to deal with feeling shut out when you're fully involved with the family at some points and on the sidelines in others. Being a part of a blended family is a completely new things for me. I've never dated anyone who has been married before or had children before, so I'm conscious not to press my involvement or any status within the family, but I also am struggling to feel any sense of belonging...

Any advice or personal experiences you've had would be very helpful.

Your not alone in this :) I think its hard at first to find your place as after all you are the outsider at first. Wnats contact like with the kids? How regular?
I found that giving the dad and kids lots of time alone, some time all of you then time just as a couple let's everyone find there feet without pressure x

I think mainly it comes with time. I remember feeling so much on the fringes of things early on, but it's quite a distant memory and not like that at all now. One thing you can do when there's more than one child is to interact with just one of them, giving the other one some one to one time with their dad.

Thank you

I see them once to four times s week depending on their dad's schedule. I 100% muck in an we have a great time. Gratefully, I have a secure bond with both kids already. I think emotions are heightened at the moment as the kids are away for Christmas with their mum and I have not been asked to be around for any of their later Christmas time with dad. Whilst I totally understand, I feel like from my perspective they are becoming my family so I'm a bit out in the cold at such a special time of year. I, rightly or wrongly, made the assumption that as we are aiming to create a blended family and normalise my presence, we should all be together..

Would it be worth letting their dad know how I'm feeling, or should I accept that, how I feel on this won't and shouldn't impact their dad not including me at Christmas?

How do you know you're not included at Christmas? If he's made arrangements to celebrate without you after a year and a half together you have a right to discuss this with him. I'm assuming you will be buying the children a gift which you would like to give them at some point?

Don’t attempt to play happy families. By that I mean try not to think of them as their mother figure.
It’s a minefield, I’ve done it for over 3 years.
Men have this stupid habit of fostering their offsprings: if you’re his partner, you need to play mum to their kids. It starts with: we’re in it together and I simply must pop to do X, do you mind looking after the little ones? It progresses to picking them up from school, putting them to bed etc. But! You cannot discipline them. You cannot say: actually, I am going to Pilates today, I cannot pick them up. Because then you’re looking like you’re not pulling your weight/ you’re selfish.

The best advice I can give you is treat them like nieces, have fun, all of you, but don’t take on any parental responsibility.
Trust me, after a while, the whole business of going to the park on a Sunday at 8.30 am becomes tiresome. Or the tv on cartoons for hours on end every other weekend.

If that’s what you want, ask him outright: what are we doing for Christmas?
Personally, I would let him parent his own kids and do Christmas their way.

I'd tell him you'd be keen to see them all at Christmas. He's possibly just been a bit thoughtless but if you don't have other people to spend it with you should at least discuss it! Maybe you could give them some time together in the morning and join them for lunch? But possibly your BF is nervous to ask in case it's too much for you, so definitely speak about it

@SeaSidePebbles advice is perfect.
I was literally just about to write the same thing.
Love them, care about them, help out in emergencies but don’t get overly involved as it will eventually build resentment and leaves you open to being taken advantage of by both of the SC’s biological parents.

You sound like a lovely person and the children are lucky to have yog

you*

Hi @OKL19 - I too would second what @SeaSidePebbles has advised. I know that approach may seem hard but as a dm & also as someone who had a partner with kids it's the best way to go.
The thing about being a stepparent is that no matter how well you've blended or get on, when the chips are down you will always be on the outside (assuming both parents are alive & well). This forum is full of lovely women who have bent over backwards to give dsc space; to care for dsc; to help their dp's; to help their dp's exes & they still struggle with lack of appreciation from everyone involved.
Be the 'cool auntie' type, have fun with them but leave the caring to mum & dad & keep your own life full with work, friends, hobbies etc. You'll be so much happier in the long run

Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate your advice and support!!

@OKL19 how did it go? It was my first Christmas as 'step-mum' and, like you, wasn't invited or involved in any of the 'second' Christmas day that the child spent with my partner and grandparents (also, the mother was there for the present-opening).

I felt the same as you - investing a lot in to the situation and wanting to be there. Actually, probably more accurately, I want to be wanted at family events! My comfort to myself was just to hope that over time i will become more integrated and that everyone is trying their best in what is a hard situation. But it can be such an isolating experience for a lot of the time. It's reassuring to know other people find similar situations tricky, too!

I would echo not trying to be a parent to them. Dp has a relationship with me that doesn't involve his children and a relationship with them that doesn't involve me and that's OK.

I have been with dp for 6 years and my relationship with his children has grown over time. You can't force them to see you as family sadly. I would advise being kind to them when you see them and just allowing things to progress at their own pace.