Advice re. dsd not wanting to spend the night

[rbe78]

Hi all - after a bit of advice with how we should deal with a new situation with my dsd (11). Background - been with my DH 8+ years, he has two dc (dsd 11 and dss 13), we all get on v. well, kids have always been v accepting and welcoming of me in their life, I couldn’t be happier to have two such awesome little people in my life. I don’t have my own children, and don’t really plan to.

DH and I live about 3.5 hours away from DSC, not ideal I know, but the kids need a home, so DH needs a job and doesn’t work in a field where jobs are available wherever you happen to want to live.

DH and ex have a historically rocky co-parenting relationship, but have both made massive efforts over the last few years to find an even keel on which to co-parent. Current (not court ordered) access is every third weekend and half the holidays, though both DH and I would like more. As we live a fair way away, generally at the weekends we go down to them, and either stay with DH’s parents, who live locally, or rent an Airbnb. Holidays the kids stay with us, they love our house and where we live, have lovely rooms they are super-excited about, helped decorate etc.

So dsd has went up to secondary school in September, and though usually a happy optimistic person, is a bit of an overthinker, and worked herself up into a worry about starting big school. Though it hasn’t proved as bad as she expected, she has been making quite a big thing of ‘how hard’ it is, ‘what a big change this is for her’, how starting secondary school is a ‘big transition’ that is ‘very tiring’, but you can hear that these phrases are coming directly from her mum. Now, while DH and I both worry about her, and listen to her worries etc, we are trying to build resilience in both the kids, and want them to know that life isn’t a big deal, and you generally just need to roll with it, enjoy the fun bits, and try not to dwell on the not-so-fun bits. Their mum has a habit of doing the opposite, and making everything into an issue - I know that obviously isn’t here way of seeing it, and from her point of view she is encouraging the kids to be in touch with their emotions etc etc, but this does lead to conflicting views on how best to deal with the problems life throws at the kids.

So, when the dsc came to stay at ours this half term, there was a lot of ‘I miss Mum’ - fair enough, but she’s stayed with us a lot since she was very little, and homesickness has never been an issue beyond the first night. (I have a feeling this is compounded by the fact she has just got a phone, so can now constantly be texting mum instead of just getting on with enjoying herself.) So, we all had a nice time, but a fair bit of moping from dsd. when DH chatted about it with her, it’s apparently because she’s ‘so tired’ from changing schools. We have our first weekend with the kids since half term next weekend, and their mum has just emailed DH to say dsd is very anxious about staying with us, so mum has said she can see dh in day and stay with mum at night - mum is happy to do this to help ‘ease this difficult transition period’. DH has chatted by phone with dsd about this, but didn’t get much clarity from her about why she doesn’t want to stay over.

Now, obviously we both want dsd to be happy and secure, but she has always been desperate to see her dad in the past, and whilst it’s not a big deal for one weekend is something we don’t want to become a pattern. To me it all seems to be linked up with this ‘big transition’ to secondary.

So I guess my need for advice is twofold:
Has anyone had a dc/dsc worried about changing school, and how did you help them through it? For us, it is particularly hard, as mum and us have different ways of dealing with things, so I guess also advice on how to reconcile these views!

And what should we do about this weekend? My instinct is to not make a big thing about it and roll with it for this weekend (but only this weekend, not let it carry on forever). DH is leaning towards saying he can’t wait to see her, but she needs to stay overnight, because we can’t all (mum, Dad, me, her brother) change all our plans and be driving backwards and forwards all weekend. He is concerned it will become a pattern if we let it happen once, and he desperately wants to continue his (normally very close and happy) relationship with both his kids.

Sorry for the ridiculously long post...any advice?

My DSD started secondary school this year and I’d say it’s only been the last weekend where she’s been more herself. The ones before half term she was quite spiky which we put down to the transition.
I’d be inclined to agree with your DH as I do tend to find that once we’ve rolled over on one time it often becomes a habit that’s hard to get out of.

I think it can be a big deal for many kids moving to secondary and can feel very overwhelming. I'd be tempted to follow their Mum's lead on this as presumably she is with her daughter to hear the day to day issues as they come up. If she and her daughter have worked out strategies for dealing with this and talking it through then it's going to be difficult for her to be with people who don't seem very sympathetic.
Either way, your job is purely supportive so maybe take a step back and let the Mum and Dad discuss it together.

@user1493413286 That’s good to hear, it’s worrying to see these little changes to her personality. Her big brother seemed largely oblivious to the transition, so it’s good to know other kids are similar and getting through it!

Thanks @rarelyonatuesday - some good advice! Though I would say it’s not that we’re unsympathetic, we listen and chat through her worries with her, but also want her to know that it’s not something that has to be all-consuming. For instance, she’s not joining clubs because ‘it might be too much while she’s still settling in’ - whereas I would say the more things she can join the, more friends she’ll make and fun she’ll have and the quicker she’ll settle. I guess my perspective is that if you constantly tell a child that something is hard and difficult then they’ll find it hard and difficult - and vice versa.

But, as you say, it’s for mum and dad to sort out - but I’ve been in her life a long time and can’t help but worry and want to help!

Have you also considered that she may have started her periods & may feel more comfortable in her own bed than an Airbnb one or at her grandparents?

If she stains the sheets at home during the night it's a bit of a pain, but an 11 year old flooding the sheets of a rented property may feel a big risk at the moment.

Even if she hasn't many people prefer their own bed and she may be one of them.

I wouldn't push her too hard to stay overnight with you, the 1st year of senior school can be a very hormonal time and you just need to give her some space to settle.

I completely agree with your attitude to parenting - kids grow up much more resilient of you don't keep telling them how hard things are for them. BUT, is their primary carer is someone who does always empathize/reinforce their anxieties, and you and DP don't there's a risk that your attitude is just perceived as a bit hard and uncaring by both DSD and her mum, so you may need to reign in a bit.

In this weekend I'd be inclined to let it go, but ask that her mum does the driving around so it doesn't impinge on the weekend for the rest of you. Might also deter her mum from suggesting it another time. Or could you suggest she comes and stays with you but is allowed to opt out of some family activities and have some quiet time (staying home with a grandparent maybe) to cope with being tired?

My DD did find the move to secondary school quite hard. She struggled particularly with being organised with all her books and stopped wanting to stay with her dad on a school night as it was too complicated for her. If this is a problem for DSD could you maybe drop her (and DSS) back a little earlier than usual?

Look up parental alienation

That’s what could be happening here.

Your dsd is possibly being manipulated into being some kind of pita weapon to use against her dad and indirectly you.

Funny how the ex is so available to assist in this chaotic arrangement. Something about dsd going to secondary school and therefore growing up and needing to be more independent is making the ex try to render dsd more dependant - probably due to her own feelings of inadequacy or inferiority or something. Either way she’s creating a monster.

As a co-parent I’d be inclined to say to dd (and the ex) is that if dd is so nervous about staying, then perhaps she ought to stay with her mother and come down when she’s ready. No drama, no repercussions, life goes on.

It’s all about the drama. Don’t engage, call the bluff whenever possible.

I’d also suggest dsd sees someone to talk to.

But of course... we’re only step parents... so nothing to do with us eh?

Parental alienation my backside

Its a big transition moving schools and she is at that age when hormones are coming into play and their friendships are more important to them.

I would let it go like you said. Contact is for the benefit of the children not the other way round.

@Hooferdoofer37o that was my thought too. She may have recently started and be due on this weekend so may prefer to be at home. Or she may just be getting to a stage where she wants to hang out with new friends at the weekends and not be tied to staying with you/Dh in an airbnb. I'd leave her be for now and hopefully she'll settle in better at school by Christmas and will visit you at your house then.

Apologies if I projected, I’ve seen a delightful little dc be manipulated into someone unrecognisable, rude, contemptuous of anything that wasn’t specifically involving them, with an unbelievable level of drama created about the most mundane of things (like really - toothpaste!) and accompanying rudeness/contempt.

This was one who adores school, would spend every waking minute there if poss, so it wasn’t school, it was all the poison that had been dripped into her ears.

Not reacting is the way that works “Ignore the bad, reward the good”. Any rude or mother dictated texts go unanswered, any normal interaction gets acted upon... it’s working... slowly.