How flexible should time with parents be re holidays ?

[TheStuffedPenguin]

My H and I want to go on holiday long distance next year and would like to take 2 full weeks . However we have his 16 year old daughter every other weekend unless there is something arising eg a party that she doesn't want to miss then she will stay in her hometown . Otherwise she comes to us. We took her away this Summer on the "big holiday" The problem is that my H's ex wants to stick rigidly to the "every other weekend" agreement even although it was established when daughter was 12 OR unless she ( Ex) decides that she wants to go off on holiday and just books a holiday without consultation as she did last year ! I think my H is partially to blame as he is reluctant to tackle his Ex about swapping a weekend as he gets a shit storm in return e.g. are you not a father anymore etc etc ? I do know what she is like . As a result I find myself nagging him to message her. He is non confrontational and she has been a real bitch to him in the past and was emotionally abusive. It accelerated when she found out we had started seeing each other. Does he just need to grow a pair and tackle her and tell her that we want to go and offer alternative weekends ? Are we being unreasonable ?

first: between two weekends is two weeks...so you could go away but i hear what you are saying:
She can go away but she wants to be difficult when you would like to go.
Very common.
You have two options:
First (recommended) our H should "grow a pair" and let her know that you are away. His daughter can stay with her dad maybe two weekends back to back instead.
Bare in mind, Daughter is 16 and her mum saying "you are not a father any more" will nor affect the daughter because she is old enough to have a basic understanding how her mum is manipulating you.
Second (the easy one as your H is a pushover) find someone to stay with your SD for that weekend instead of you two. Someone who would be a good company and can do something nice or fun with her during that weekend.

Don’t communicate with the ex and ask the dd directly what she wants to do. If you would like her to come on the holiday, ask her directly

The daughter is not coming on this holiday . It is just the two of us .

It would not be 2 weeks it would be 11 nights away only.

Yes I think he does need to grow a pair . That's a good point that you make about her making her own mind up .

16? Direct with the daughter only really as that more than old enough! Speak to her well her dad explain it's just how flights work or whatever and say we can see you these extra days instead would that work or book a treat one evening eg theta her or ice skating or cinema as an extra. Problem solved.
Ex dosnt need to be involved really

Explain to SD you'll miss one weekend with her but will make it up to her either side of your holiday & then go book your holiday. Bypass the ex altogether. SD is 16 & if the worst comes to the worst I'm sure she has a friend or two that she could stay with on the 'missed' weekend.

Ex has no reason to be involved at all.
Make sure dh tells her that.
Or at this rate she wil be organising when he sees his dgc!

Thanks that's given me some food for thought .

At 16 I'd definitely be having the conversation first with DSD herself. Then just email her mum afterwards to let her know what you've agreed. At 16 she may even have her own holiday plans with friends for next summer (post GCSE, or will she be 17 by next summer even?), Or could arguably stay home alone. Is the ex likely to take DSD away herself at any time though? If you could go away at the same time that would seem ideal. Are you doing anything with her included? If so, mention it at the same time so she doesn't feel too left out. And mention all the "very boring museums" or such like that you'll be taking in without her

DH and I have teens and find that talking to them direct rather than via exes works well and cuts down on conflict and plans you make that they don't sign up to. You do need to keep their other parent in the loop though or they fail to do so themselves.

Sounds like HE doesn't want to swap either. Go from Monday one week until Thursday the next so a whole ten days. That way he doesn't miss any weekends.

The DD is 16. That is old enough to understand that you want a holiday and she can see you when you come back. Her father does not need to discuss contact with his ex tbh. However I would talk to DD about it first then inform her mum out of politeness but that's all.

Flexibility? I have tons with my exH. But that’s because we aren’t idiots and can co-parent. And understand that from time to time work/ personal time will impact existing contact arrangements. So we flex and it’s a two way street.

At 16 I agree with others. This is a convo with the SD. However that also depends on what this SD is like. You have two ways the child will behave.

1. no probs dad, go have a great holiday. You deserve it, you work hard. (That’s what my kids would say, but they would also be envious of a 11 day trip abroad that they weren’t coming on).
2. you’re not going to see me for a month so that you and penguin can take a luxury 11 day trip abroad?

The reaction is most likely going to be determined by how strong your partners relationship is with his daughter vs anything the EXW May plant in her head.

I would never expect my exDP (if we were still together) to come away with me on a holiday if inflexible EOW contact he has (his EXW is completely inflexible) meant he didn’t see his children for a month.

I wouldn’t want to do it if the shoe was on the other foot. Age regardless. Can’t you do the 11 days and fly after one of the contact weekends? Then no one misses anything and life continues

it’s only once! Your OH needs to put his foot down. DSD is old enough to understand.

He has a strong relationship with his daughter and I expect she would say Go as we were away with her for 2 weeks this Summer. Her mother didn't complain about that funnily enough.