When does contact time become more about the parents?

[SuperMeerkat]

Just that really. DH has two children from his previous marriage and he religiously sees them fortnightly which is great. However, they’re 15 and 9 and live 100 miles away. At 15 I couldn’t think of anything worse than being forced to be away from my mates 2 weekends a month and to prove that, she spends most of the weekend with us on the phone to them! It’s a bit different with the 9 year old as he still likes doing arts and crafts with DH. However, the ex won’t let the 15 year old not come as she wants time with her bf (fair enough) and DH never wants to miss a weekend (fair enough) even when the kids have a party to go to.

It just seems to me looking on that none of the 4 of them are getting a great deal 🤦‍♀️ With my DS it’s far more fluid. If he wants to see his dad he goes, if he doesn’t then he doesn’t. Seems to work fine.

Really, really tricky one. My teens see their df eow & an evening during the week. However we all live in the same town. But, neither I nor my ex spend a huge amount of time with our teens on our respective weekends as they are off doing activities or with their friends & that's exactly how (I think) it should be at their ages - their peer groups are supposed to take precedence - it's all part of learning to separate out from parents.
That being said (unless it's an exceptional circumstance) I do insist on them going to their df's eow as it's the only break from taxi-Ing etc that I get - so I do get where your dp's ex is coming from with her stance re the 15 yr old.
My exdp had a similar situation regarding his teens living in a different town. He used to travel to see them eow as they wouldn't come to us but in truth he found it absolutely exhausting as his job involved very long hours & lots of driving. I personally think he would have been better off seeing them less frequently but for longer stretches, however I can see that his ex may have not liked this even though the trade off would have been her having longer breaks. She doesn't work outside the home so bar housework she has 9 - 4:30 to herself everyday. In your case it sounds like it's your dsd who's losing out & I think seeing her dad once a month at her age (with the option of twice a month if she's free the other weekend) would be fine - but then her dm gets no break which is hard especially if she has a job outside of the home too. I work outside the home and really do need those free weekends to catch up on myself/friends/the housework etc.

This is something that I don't think co-parents consider post break up. They move away for work or a relationship but forget that they are obliged to lessen the impact on kids. If me and hubby split up, it would be our duty as co-parents to stay close to each other and the area our kids call home so they're able to live as smoothly as possible and don't have to make sacrifices due to our relationship breakdown.

So to me, the being 100 miles away (whoever made that choice) is the issue here. That was a dumb move for co-parents' to make and that's what was prioritising themselves over the kids. As I said, I don't know why they are that far apart,could be a choice by either/both parties,but it was one that put the parent(s) before the kids.

I think the risk of letting the 15year old not come is that you end up in a position where you haven’t seen her in months and start resenting that she only gets in touch for Xmas presents and money. Whereas in reality her relationship with her dad is important- even when it’s not very interesting to her. She can see her friends every weekday and the other 2 weekends a month. Also- there is and onus on your DH to arrange to spend some with her doing something she’ll actually want to put the phone down for and talk to her dad. Not every visit but maybe every other visit? 15 can be a hard age for dads and daughters and requires some effort on dads part to keep a connection there rather than just let her drift away.

It is a tricky one. I would say that by 16 it should be the kids decision, maybe even younger than that if they have activities that are important to them. But I would certainly not have any kid under 12 deciding whether they want to have contact on x day or not.

I think you underestimate the importance of a continuing relationship with an NRP.
She probably spends a lot of the time when with her mum on her phone too! Assuming it’s a statement of ‘i’d rather not be here’ might be unfair. Obviously you know the situation, and have only described it briefly.
I think the situation cheeskake factory describes comes up quite often inMN as a complaint from step parents too.

Would it be possible to move closer so your DSC can have more of the homely/dropping in & out relationship that @Magda72 talks about?

Alternatively, could you DP do an Airbnb in his DCs home-town & the DC stay with him there when they have parties etc, so he gets to see them, DM gets a break, he can do the drop offs & pick ups etc (many a good conversation can be had with your DC in a car) and the DC don't feel like they're missing out?

You are right...its about parents as well as children. If parents decided that holding close relationship with their children is important then they will make it happen. Teenagers do act like that; with mum and with dad as well as with grandparents. But at the same time they are aware that they are important to their parents, being together is important to their parents. Tat they are not brushed away and not alienated.
Would be amazing if they can make friends around your home as well. My daughter found her best friend like that; one weekend each months together and 150 miles apart for rest of the months did not stop those two. They built a strong friendship and they are calling each other best friends still (11 years for now).

Why is the only option for the 15 yo arts and crafts or electronics? I agree with a pp that your DP needs to make the visits work for her too. If he doesn’t make an effort to do things she enjoys then she’ll stop coming next year.

It's easier with your DS because (I assume) you live much closer to your ex. Since DH and his ex live 100 miles apart, I think it has to be the way it is. If it was left to be more fluid it would be a nightmare, because you can't organise a 100 mile journey at the drop of a hat, so they would probably end up seeing less of each other (which would be a shame) and everyone would be even more cross because of having to try and accommodate the fluidity!

I think I would try to rearrange the contact slightly so that the 15 y/o comes to you 1 in 4 weekends, and 1 in 4 weekends your DP (and you?) stay in an air bnb or a hotel and see the children in their home town so that parties, friends, football matches can all be accommodated. I can't think of much worse for a 9 and a 15 y/o to be told that eow their friends/parties cannot happen because their parents have decided not to be together and live 100 miles apart. Compromises have to be made but it can't just be the children

Our schedule with my sd is very fluid and she organises directly with her dad. She is 16.

When her mum first met her boyfriend however the mum tried to change our whole schedule (sd was 10 at the time) to suit her new bfs own contact schedule with his kids.

She still does stuff like this now. We were meant to have my sd this last weekend and she had to change weekends with us as mum had decided she was going out with her bf on the piss and sd needed to stay at home to babysit the mums step grandkids

This is the difficulty with NRPs. In reality lots of teens spend time on the phone or up on their rooms at their full time home.
It's just magnified and looks more obvious if you're the NRP.

I agree with a pp. It's the parent who moved away that caused this problem. It's easy to say kids/teenagers are selfish, but so are some separated parents.

The further away a child lives from a parent, the greater the chance is of them growing apart and not having much of a relationship.

There's always an excuse of why they had to move...but it comes down to choice.

My brother had the opportunity of a job 5x his salary (and he's a high earner as it is) when he was divorced, but due to the distance from his Ex, he didn't take it.

When he was getting married again, his new wife wanted to be closer in distance to her family and he said no. He wanted them to be a short bus ride away.

I have teens. Some of them spend all their time messaging and on phones even when they are in the same town as their friends. It's very different from when I was young and being at home with your parents meant spending time with them or being very bored. So if the 15 year old isn't complaining themselves and resisting coming then I'd leave well alone.

But the 'choice' to move isnt always that obvious. My ex moved 2hrs away to be with OW. I then increased the distance by moving where i could afford housing and have family support. I couldn't stay where i was, despite working ft on a good wage. Its awkward but I agree that if the 15yo has a specific event on one weekend she should maybe stay home to attend it, but spend longer with her dad in the holidays.

My exH and I live a 5 minute drive from one another to ensure this exact scenario does not happen. Our eldest (a teen) is regularly doing sleepovers and can make it to either parents house the next day.

I too was offered a great job which would have meant a relocation for me and I just ruled it out immediately. A move like that can wait until they’re all independent young adults.

If however I ended up in this situation, I would have one contact weekend locally. And I would find a nice Airbnb owner who was prepared to rent a place 1 to 2 nights a month for me locally to where the children are. Unless you live in central London, it won’t be exhorbitant pricing

It's a shame you cant live closer you could rearrange a weekend when they clash with parties etc because that stuff is important at there age

But the 'choice' to move isn't always that obvious. My ex moved 2hrs away to be with OW.

My point exactly. His desire to be near his OW, overrode his desire to be near his DC.... he didn't prioritise them by moving 2 hours away.

Even where a couple split, a hands on involved father would still want to be active in his DCs life and be supportive.

The fact that he moved 2 hours hour would have reduced your support, so you needed it from family.

My Exh moved over an hour away with the OW. He had never understood the impact him doing that has on his relationship with the kids.

They are expected to disappear from their day to day lives when they are with him. They miss playing football, friends, parties, wedding, christenings etc as he wont bring them back (im not allowed to collect them as offered).

My oldest wont go now and its my fault apparantly. He openly admitted he believes contact is in HIS best interest. The kids will do whats best for HIM.