Step Siblings Fighting - Vicious Circle

[alpat24]

Hi,

New to this forum, have recently moved into my partners house with my 5 year old daughter,, who I have have half of the time. I have been with my partner for nearly two years and she has two daughters 8 & 10. The children all have a room each, but there has been quite a few bumps in the road in how they get on and it seems to be regressing at the moment.

For months now, my daughter and the 8 year old have been engaged in a viscous circle of playing together, then my daughter invariably ends up crying over something, anything could trigger her off, which provokes a violent reaction from the 8 year old, as she hates crying, and she attacks my daughter for crying - hitting, sometimes swearing at her, saying i hate you etc. The 8 year old gets told off for this reaction and they are kept apart.

My daughter has been crying alot recently, over very minor things on a constant basis looking for my attention on days out and on holidays, triggering the same angry response from her SS. This crying and anger in response is both becoming very draining for me and my partner, as we argue over the children's behaviour and both feel guilty about our children's behaviour, it is ruining days out and family time. We are working on the anger issues with the 8 year old at school and I am trying to re-assure my daughter or her place and my love on a daily basis.

I feel bad that my daughter is acting up and ruining days out looking for constant attention and then feel angry that she gets hit from the 8 year old, which is unacceptable.

Does anyone have any advice on to build better relationships between the the two girls and to reassure and settle my daughter from not constantly crying over little setbacks and trying to get her own way ?

You clearly moved in together far too quickly. For the benefit of you're dc you need tibseperate. The dc arent ready to blend.

I feel bad that my daughter is acting up and ruining days out looking for constant attention

She's 5 years old FFS!

The poor child has been uprooted into a family where one child is hostile to her. She must be so confused, poor wee thing.

Why does your need to live with your partner take precedence over her feelings of security?

I feel bad that my daughter is acting up and ruining days out looking for constant attention

All 5 year olds can be like that especially during the autumn term.

I suspect if you move out, the girls will both be happier.

Good god. So many positive words of support and encouragement here. How dare you try and create a stable new life with your partner of 2 years!

Here’s my tuppence worth.

Start doing 121 things with your 5 year old. Including days out and holidays. You don’t say how often your partners girls are with you but if your daughter is only with you 50% of the time and your partners daughters live with you more of the time, this child is going to feel jealous.

She’s 5, struggling with complex emotions and she cannot verbalise them. So she’s acting up. So stop putting her in the situation of feeling like she has to share you.

My ex partner and I were together for over 3 years, we never lived together but would spend time together during his contact time with them. Initially they loved it but after a period of time, started acting up with me. I simply said to my partner, they feel threatened by my being present and they just need you to themselves. Start doing holidays and contact 121. The improvement in them was huge.

You don’t have to move out. But what you need to do is focus on your daughter away from the other children.

When you do have the children together. Start doing things together (bit by bit) like a board game. Start doing games where they have to be a team against the adults.

Stop focusing on what the 8 year old is doing wrong and encourage positive behaviours. The 8 year old is kind/ helps the 5 year old, reward her. Shout out the positive kind behaviours and start reinforcing it. I find it worrying that you are painting the 8 year old as a child with anger issues. Does this anger show itself elsewhere? Is the 8 year old attacking anyone else?

This is back to basics parenting. You need to recalibrate and rethink this all. But you don’t have to be as drastic as moving out without trying more interventions (including play therapy for the children).

For months now, my daughter and the 8 year old have been engaged in a viscous circle

So why did you move them in with each other?

She's 5.
She's had so much go on in her short life and no control over any of it.
you appear frustrated she's not falling in line with your wants and desires to create a blended family.

And honestly time and time again posts about step siblings hitting their child and keeping them in that situation.

Why is your love life more important than your daughters emotional well being?

Good advice from sassbott. I agree, stop focusing on everyone getting on so much and start spending time with your respective children separately.

It’s normal for children to act up when new children arrive (think when a new baby arrives in a bio family) there is a period of change and adjustment.

Both the behaviours sound like anxiety induced attention seeking.