Need some advice

[Soapboxwatch]

Boyfriend of 4 years. We live separately and I have 2 kids he has 3 from different relationships. He tends to have his son most weekends as his other children are adults now. We go out sometimes with the older children but I notice he doesn’t invite me out with his youngest very often.
I feel as though he is deliberately keeping me out of the youngests life purposely. Have tried to ask him why he does this but he gets defensive. 4 years down the line we are still no far further forward. Should I tell him how I feel? I get the impression the son doesn't like me to take his dads attention at times which is why I take the back seat as I understand that children come first. However, how can we move forwards and build a family when he won’t allow me to get to know his child. Advice please?!

Maybe he doesn’t want to build a family? Have you actually discussed building a family?

He has spoken about wanting another child with me and us moving in together But I won’t commit to anything like that until I feel as though I have bonded with his children

Yeah that’s bonkers. You’re right not to move forward on that while he is keeping the different parts of his life separate.

What happens when you tell him that?

I just say to him that my career is important and that I think I’m too old for another child. I haven’t actually told him how I feel as he gets defensive when I have tried to approach the subject in the past. That’s exactly it.... keeping parts of his life separate, I really find it offensive

Very odd. How old is the youngest? You clearly can’t live together or have a child with him if he’s deliberately cutting you out of his relationship with his child. Fine to live largely separate lives by mutual agreement but that’s not what this is.

Additionally, step children aside, defensiveness is a terrible characteristic, keep an eye on that, it’s horrible.

Agree ^^ this is more a relationship issue, defensiveness (him) and not saying what you think (you) is not good.

My experience of this is that you can avoid difficult subject quite nicely by keep long things separate for quite a while. A good number of years. But ultimately these issues will leak into your relationship in the end.

Time to be upfront about your wants and needs long term.

It might be about his ex and his privacy. Could the youngest be telling tales to his mum and that’s why your bf doesn’t want him to know what’s going on? Perhaps the older kids can be trusted not to say things. Or perhaps they have a different mum who is cool and doesn’t flip out that her ex has a gf?

Yes that’s what I was thinking. Or perhaps the son doesn’t like me and theirs something going on behind the scenes ie, the mother has a problem with me being around her son. I think he should be honest with me about what the issue is. I just need to Tell him how I feel I guess

You do OP. I hope it’s productive. Don’t put up with the defensiveness - it’s a way of him shutting down communication and it’s not fair on you. If he’s unwilling to have an open and honest conversation with you, especially after 4 years, then maybe you’re better off going your separate ways.

OP dont be the 4th woman to have a baby with him. Theres a reason why he has dc to various woman and he is keeping you at a distance with his youngest.

How old is his DS? Is he maybe thinking he'll not get serious with you until after he's left home?

Sounds like he doesn't have much time with his son and wants to ensure that he does have 1v1 time with him often. Why is that a problem for you?