I’m getting frustrated with my partner’s parenting

[Tryingtostepup]

My partner’s 2 and a half year old daughter has become demanding, spoilt, and bratty.

My partner gives her what she wants and when she wants it. Sweets and chocolate, snacks, ice lollies ect. She barely touches a proper meal now. She’s bribed with milkshake or some other sweet thing to have even a few mouthfuls. When she kicks and screams she distracts her with toys, when her daughter would hit us she would threaten a time-out 3 or 4 times but never did anything even when she kept slapping.

My partner answer’s her every demand so much so that her daughter won’t do anything without a bribe, nor will she take turns. She doesn’t encourage her to say please and thank you. Her daughter will cry in the nights until her mum falls asleep by her side. Her daughter gives up on most tasks she trying and asks her mummy to do it.

It’s really really frustrating, we’ve only been together for 5 months. But I’m becoming more and more angry at my girlfriend for being so blazae about her parenting.

I absolutely adore her daughter, I really do. But I’m sorry to say she’s turning in to a spoilt brat.

Tbh I'm judging her on introducing a new partner to her 2yo dd so quickly, let alone the crap parenting day to day.

I'd just cut and run tbh.

After 5 months together you’re referring to her as your ‘partner’? And you say you ‘adore’ this infant so presumably you must’ve known her a while, meaning your girlfriend introduced you to her straight after you got together.

This is all really, really rushed and inappropriate. Her parenting sounds crap, but your involvement in this infant’s life so soon after meeting her mum is potentially just as damaging/ill-advised.

Poor child in my opinion.

None of that sounds great, but you're obviously spending far too much time with her child. Sounds like a lot has changed for her tiny daughter very quickly.

Have you talked to her about how you feel? Sometimes people’s parenting skills need developing. As an independent observer you will see things differently - your feelings for your partner’s child will always be different to hers no matter how much you feel for the child. This objectivity is sometimes wise, sometimes not. From my perch I helped my partner see that rhythm and consistency make his daughter feel more secure. And he helped me to be softer in my ways. Both of us adapting from how we brought up I guess.
So talk to her.
But if I were in your shoes and she is not open to dialogue I would seriously consider the relationship. It doesn’t sound like you could be the kind of step parent who is able to turn a blind eye to stuff you don’t like happening in your shared home (frankly not many of us could). Or at least learn from the hindsight of a zillion people who’ve posted on here, and don’t rush to have a baby with someone who’s parenting style doesn’t match yours!!!

This is really helpful, thank you :)

You can spot poor parenting very easily, in the same way as you know straight away if some one is a poor driver. Unfortunately it is unlikely to change, so my advice would be to see if your partner takes note of any suggestions you make about not spoiling her. If you meet with resistance at every suggestion, you may need to think about a different partner before a stronger bond occurs with your SD. If you are able to compromise to some extent, then it could just work. There s nothing wrong with having one parent slightly more giving than the other, the important bit is when you say no to SD it must mean no, and your partner must not then challenge you in front of her. Good Luck

Sometimes kids take a turn at that age.

You think it’s bad now wait until the child reaches 9-10! Unfortunately some parents seem to not expect please and thank you’s. Which may seem a small thing to them, but the child grows up often being rude, selfish, ungrateful and generally spoilt. Her parenting is to blame, not the child. But it will be a growing frustrating for you. As when the child grows older you will want to tell them off but won’t be able to as you’ll know they have been raised in a way where they have become conditioned to believe their behaviour is normal/acceptable. If I were you I’d cut and run. This will get worse 100%. Parenting styles not matching for a step child in my experience isn’t something you can fix. The biological parent have it ingrained in them and might say they are open to change but from experience they won’t or aren’t able to.

Crap parenting, but the crappest bit of all is that the brand new total stranger boyfriend is in the picture at all. You shouldn't have even met this child yet - you hardly know if your relationship is going to get off the ground... much less be comfortably judging how this child should be parented.

I'd walk away now - not only will you get more frustrated as time goes by, but it doesn't sound like a solid basis for a relationship anyway and the longer it goes on, the worse it is for the DD.

She’s becoming spoiled and you’ve known her 5 months?

She’s barely more than a baby.

If you don’t respect your girlfriend, you don’t, at all, then just break up. It doesn’t sound like top notch parenting but it’s not your place to do anything about it so just move on and find someone else. No biggie.

It’s worth explaining I approached my partner about some things last week, she immediately started to give time-outs to her daughter for slapping which has already nearly stopped her daughters hitting. She would do absolutely anything for her daughter, and I know she loves her to bits. Though I am frustrated with some aspects, my girlfriend’s parenting is not because she’s lazy, or can’t be bothered, but because she had a difficult upbringing, and she just wants to see her daughter happy and to experience a much better childhood than she did. Also, she works really hard with her daughter’s father to make sure she he’s still in her life. The father can be really difficult at times, often cancelling seeing his daughter with short notice, and not contributing to child maintenance. If I was in her situation I certainly wouldn’t have the patience she does, which I have to say I admire.

Although I was looking for advice by posting on this forum (which I’m glad to say I’ve had to a certain extent). I feel like there’s some things that should be clarified.

Yes, some of you may say I was introduced too soon to her daughter, but unfortunately that can’t be changed now, so comments about this aren’t helpful. Also, her daughter has never known her parents to be together, the parents were dating for a short time before conceiving but had broken up shortly before or after the birth, I can’t remember which one. Finally, I was introduced to her daughter as a friend to start off with.

She would do absolutely anything for her daughter apart from making sure she eats a healthy diet and has the boundaries she needs to grow up feeling secure

The father can be really difficult at times, often cancelling seeing his daughter with short notice, and not contributing to child maintenance you’re getting sucked into the drama way too much and too fast

Yes, some of you may say I was introduced too soon to her daughter, but unfortunately that can’t be changed now, so comments about this aren’t helpful it speaks to her priorities and parenting and is very relevant, people can comment on any part of your post they like...

I approached my partner about some things last week, she immediately started to give time-outs to her daughter for slapping which has already nearly stopped her daughters hitting good that it worked but it’s not your place to tell her how to parent and it’s shit for this tiny child that some random bloke has come into her life and is having such an impact on her life! It’s for her mother to decide these things. You have no right at all to be so involved. You’re overstepping massively and she’s an idiot for letting/encouraging you. The whole thing is messed up.

@RitmoRatmo I find it hard to read that you have just called a woman that you've never met crap parent! MN is a place to help each other and give advice not to slag and belittle someone else its not big or clever to be a bully

RitmoRatmo I find it hard to read that you have just called a woman that you've never met crap parent! MN is a place to help each other and give advice not to slag and belittle someone else its not big or clever to be a bully

• @georgia19ox* I’m confused by your post above aimed at me, and by why you’ve also PM’d me to reiterate your point. To clarify:

I didn’t call a woman I’d never met a crap parent. I said the parenting style described by the OP sounded like crap parenting (because it does, as many others here have also said, and as the OP himself is also stating.

I was in agreement with the OP that these are concerning things. As is my right to post my opinion because, y’know, the OP posted on a public forum seeking opinions. And all of a sudden you feel free to label me “a bully” on a public forum, and to go out of your way to private message me to call me “a bully”

Love, I see only one person engaging in bullying behaviour on this thread and it isn’t me.

HTH

Anyhow everyone, as you were. Now I’ve been randomly singled out to be picked on by Georgia, we can all continue with our postings which are broadly in agreement and concur with the OP that this parenting doesn’t sound good and neither does his premature involvement in the child’s life.

@ OP. Convincing your partner that your way is better will be difficult, although it seems like she has agreed to some extent. Most parents will bring their children up similar to their own upbring, with perhaps minor changes to things that really upset them. If they never really had a roll model, then that is also difficult to break. If you are prevented from challenging the poor behaviour, or get into a row because you cant agree on the method of parenting, I would be inclined towards a split, try to avoid having a baby during this trial period.

To be honest her parenting does sound poor from what you have said but her whole life sounds a bit of a car crash. I’m not sure I’d want to be involved to be honest.

why you’ve also PM’d me to reiterate your point

What??! That's just bullying in my book.

MN gets worse by the day.

It used to be - still is - a place for people to get support, not to harass someone personally just because they have a different view.

Dreadful!

@Iflyaway Yep, georgia19ox decided to single my post out for some reason, react to it on the thread, PLUS sent me an unpleasant PM accusing me of being a bully

In 9years of being a regular MN poster I’ve never experienced this. I’ve advance-searched her and she’s a brand new poster. I fear that if she doesn’t realise people post opinions on here which may differ from her own then MN is probably not the best parenting site for her, sadly. Gawd, imagine how affronted she’d be by IABU?!

Ritmo, take no notice. Some people end up here through the Daily shitMail.

I also love how @georgina19ox PM’d me to explain what MN is about (helping & supporting one another) and tell me off for not doing that and “being a bully which isn’t big or clever”.

...She’s a brand-new poster.
....I’ve been posting regularly for 9 years.

Thanks for the insights love!

Cheers @Iflyaway I appreciate your kindness.

Thanks Ritmo, wish you all the best. Cheers! [wine[