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Original poster

Blended family and sickness between kids

30 replies

g059902 · 24/10/2019 15:01

Hi all

My so and I have 4 kids between us. My 2 are 4 and 8, his 2 are 3 and 10.
I just want some general feedback on what other people think about the whole sickness and blended family thing.

My view is that irrelevant of if children (either side) are sick with common illness’s (flu; colds;bugs; things that kids commonly pick up) then contact should still maintain. (We have them every other week/holidays etc).

A few weeks back so youngest was diagnosed with whooping cough, we weren’t told the whole truth which of course resulted in my youngest getting sick. I was devastated.

My child has now picked up chicken pox, (I don’t think chicken pox are as sever as whooping cough in my opinion and also something I would class as a common illness kids pick up throughout childhood - better to get it when they are young,
Unlike whooping cough which is just horrible and awful and no one should get it).

My so has decided he’s not coming home the weekend now and staying elsewhere with his kids because he doesn’t want them getting ill.
I’m furious. I feel as though a divide has been placed on the blended family and it seems ok for so to have his children when they are sick (which I wouldn’t contest to) but when mine are, he’ll do anything to avoid ‘blending’ them.

He’s also reminded me that he hasn’t had chicken pox and so he doesn’t want to risk getting them. I reminded him that neither have I so why should it be ok for him to opt out of family life when he chooses? That’s not how a family works? 🤔

Anyone else agree or see my POV or am I being out of order? I feel like we should be a family and everyone be treated the same, the good bits and bad bits.

OP posts:
ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 24/10/2019 15:05

Adult chicken pox is awful as an adult if you dont live together I sont blame him keeping the dc separate. It's fair more sensible preventing it spreading.

Original poster
g059902 · 24/10/2019 15:08

We do live together

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 24/10/2019 15:14

Honestly? If I had the option to avoid infecting one of my DC with an illness the other has, then I'd take it. Chickenpox can result in weeks and weeks off work looking after spotty-but-not-really-unwell children if they get it one after the other. And you're putting the onus on your DP's ex if you infect one of their DC and then send it back to her.

It's a shame about the whooping cough, but this isn't a tit for tat situation - especially as presumably the smaller ones are still recovering from the pertussis as it was only diagnosed a couple of weeks ago?

I think you have to look at each situation as it stands. We are a blended family and we've had to deal with this sort of thing before as well, you just need to be fluid about it.

Windydaysuponus · 24/10/2019 15:14

Mm bit divided tbh. .. I have many dc - in the past 50 /50 of some. When resident dc were ill I let exh keep the 3 dc we shared. Looking after multiple dc during sickness is a nightmare. Once spent 3 weeks with a sick bug traveling thorough. Omg never again...
I am with your so in this...
Seems you do need to discuss the future regarding parenting methods though. You sound more keen to blend than him.

sosoverytired · 24/10/2019 15:24

Two full time resident children and one sd. If two resident kids sick then step daughters mother was given the choice. If step daughter was sick she didn't visit. End off. But no one moved out for the weekend to facilitate the separation.

And yes We were strict about it as no point spreading illnesses unnecessarily.

But in this case that weekend just wouldn't happen. He wouldn't ever dream of staying elsewhere.

Original poster
g059902 · 24/10/2019 15:24

The ex (in this scenario) has encouraged chicken pox before at pox parties I don’t think she’d object on that basis. I’m sure she’d be slightly irked it wasn’t on her timescales but I don’t think she’d be too upset ultimately. This isn’t a tit for tat situation but more of a comparison to the 2 situations.
None of it is nice and of course if there was a choice no one would want poorly children, however as I say show on the other foot a few weeks ago it didn’t seem to matter!

OP posts:
Original poster
g059902 · 24/10/2019 15:26

This sounds like a resonance and fair solution. I’d be happy with that I think.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 24/10/2019 15:52

2 of my children had a sickness bug two weeks ago, so dsc didn’t come that weekend. Mum’s choice because she didn’t want it spreading to her house. Fair enough. Dsc was still welcome.
If dsc ever has a sickness bug while at mum’s, I would like to think dsc’s mum would keep dsc at her’s because if I’m honest I wouldn’t want it spreading here.

So no, I don’t think contact should necessarily have to continue as normal. To be honest I would be annoyed if dsc turned up here with a sickness bug when her mum is allowed to pick and choose if bugs are allowed to come in to potentially come in her house.

swingofthings · 24/10/2019 16:48

Getting chicken pox as an adult is not nice and needs to be avoided as much as possible, especially if 6ou are on certain medications so I don't blame him at all.

It is not nice for you either but are you saying you'd rather both catch it then just you? That does seem a bit selfish.

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/10/2019 16:54

Make it clear to him that if this is how he wants to play it you will kick him and his kids out every time one of them gets sick to protect your kids. You absolutely need to make him feel the consequences of his actions

Original poster
g059902 · 24/10/2019 17:05

No, of course I don’t want people to be ill, children, adults, family or anyone else. We have a home together; we share a life together; I have and will always accept his children into our home, ill or not, as it’s part of life - I don’t have the option of moving me and my kids out when that happens and neither would I. As parents I accept that I may get ill and that’s part of parenting. I’m cross he has decided it’s optional and that when his children aren’t well I wouldn’t object to him having them as he should be able and willing to do the rough bits

OP posts:
SmileCheese · 24/10/2019 17:08

Make it clear to him that if this is how he wants to play it you will kick him and his kids out every time one of them gets sick to protect your kids.

That's a very sensible approach Hmm

I don't think he's unreasonable. Chicken pox is a horrible illness and if he can avoid his children and himself coming into contact with it I don't blame him for doing so especially if one of them has just had whooping cough.

I can understand why you might feel upset but he needs to put the health of his children first. You'd feel awful if one of them caught chicken pox and got complications from it, its not worth the risk and is in no way comparable with a child having a cold.

INeedSleepToo · 24/10/2019 17:09

Why on earth would you want to subject your step kids to chicken pox unnecessarily, let alone yourself or your dp which could make you seriously unwell. Just keep them separate, it’s only one weekend. Then, once your kids are better get yourself, your dp and your step kids vaccinated.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 24/10/2019 17:14

I see why you’re annoyed, feels like one rule for you and another for them. Chicken pox is infectious prior to the spots so it’s really too late to stay away anyway. Where’s he staying if you live together?

cookingonwine · 24/10/2019 18:36

Chickenpox is most contagious from 1 to 2 days before the rash appears until all the blisters are dried and crusted. If the SC is going to catch it they will.

Magda72 · 24/10/2019 18:59

My dc who are teens have half siblings who are 3 & 4. Exh lets me know if there's a bug in the house & I do same - giving both of us the option to dispense with contact if we want to contain certain illnesses.
I certainly wouldn't want to be exposed to adult chickenpox unnecessarily (though I'd say your dp already has been) however there's also no way I'd send a child with whooping cough into another home.
I hear exactly where you're coming from op & I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about handling these types of situations in the future.

aSofaNearYou · 24/10/2019 19:10

Tbh I feel the same as your DH and would keep them separate if possible. It seems like a double standard because when you were in that position, you weren't bothered, but thet doesn't necessarily mean that if you HAD been bothered your DH would have objected.

I think you should both avoid where possible. I would have been absolutely fuming if my daughter had got whooping cough from my step son and I hadn't been told beforehand that he had it (assuming they knew). I would have wanted my partner to have him elsewhere. I think it is more complicated if you have shared children so one of you has a responsibility for both, but if he has his and you have yours then keeping it separate is logical.

Spanglyprincess1 · 24/10/2019 19:27

When I was pregnant we refused Dsc due to one of them having suspected chicken pox but this was on doctors advice that I shouldn't expose myself to it as it was very dangerous during pregnancy.
We took extra days in school holiday and paid for before n after school clubs and it was fine.
Sorry but I think your dp is correct but it should be consistently applies. So if they eg Dsc are sick then same rules apply as when your kids are sick.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 24/10/2019 19:35

It’s very unfair that your child was knowingly exposed to whooping cough! So EX WBVVU!

However, if it were the other way around and you were elsewhere with your kids when SO’s kids got chicken pox (and you/your kids hadn’t had them) I would STRONGLY advise you to stay away! So I can’t condemn your DH for doing the same!

I have a sibling and our biological parents have been together since teens! But my mum and I once had noro virus whilst my dad and sibling were away for the day...they stayed at families for a couple of nights to avoid us/catching it! I think it’s as common in ‘nuclear’ families for people to want to avoid getting sick as it is in blended ones

DefinitelyNOTamum · 24/10/2019 19:46

Yabu. Why would you risk getting I'll yourself when you can avoid it?

swingofthings · 25/10/2019 12:36

But you say you were not told the whole truth about the whooping cough, when you say we I assume you mean your partner didn't know and would save assumed it was just a cough especially if towards the end.

There is a difference between being around a child who you think just have a mild virus and being with a child who has obvious chicken pox.

Ravenrob · 25/10/2019 12:39

I think he's being fair.

user1493413286 · 26/10/2019 08:01

I think it’s fair that he doesn’t want himself and his children to get chicken pox. In a similar scenario you’re within your rights to say the same thing.
We don’t worry about coughs and colds but anything more we let DSDs mum know about at our house and I wouldn’t want DSD coming over with a sickness bug etc although it’s generally not a massive issue as she often wants to be with her mum if she’s that ill which is understandable

UnbowedUnbentUnbroken · 28/10/2019 08:19

I'd probably feel the same as a knee jerk reaction but in the long run it's just easier for the sake of a couple of days.

Simply enforce the same in reverse in future.

The whole chicken pox thing isnt as bad as people think. I had chickenpox a few weeks ago and wasnt unwell at all just itchy. The pharmacist and gp said it's actually not as uncommon as people think to get it as an adult and the horror stories are the severe end of the scale and not the norm.

Nonnymum · 28/10/2019 08:27

Whooping cough can be a very dangerous illness, more so than chicken pox, which is horrible but usually milder. I think you were both being unreasonable really. It's best to try an avoid spreading these illnesses. On an aside did the children have the whooping cough vaccination?

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