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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSC mum off the rails

45 replies

Doyoumindifislytherin · 23/10/2019 10:51

Looking for practical advice regarding DSC
I've been in a relationship with their DF for 2 years. We have them EOW as DP works away so midweek access isn't an option right now. Every weekend we drop them back at mum's she is a mess. Still drunk or Hung over, not been to bed, the house is a tip etc. Feel awful leaving them in that environment but dp leaves early hours of handover day for work for the week and I have to get my own DD to school in another town an hours drive away so can't do both drop offs.

His ex had always been like this and this is what caused the breakdown of their relationship, she claims she has mental.health issues and uses any excuse to get wasted. My DP brushes it under the carpet every week so as not to cause a scene and give her another excuse to get hammered.
There has been several Mondays the kids haven't gone to school and she hasn't gone to work as she's too anxious to leave the house etc. The kids come to ours with tales of drunk mummy and sleepovers (parties) from her access weekend.

Clearly she needs help but it's not my place to interfere and DP won't mention anything to her about it for fear of reprocusions.

I'm tempted to say we will have them every weekend but feel this is just enabling her behaviour! We went EOW from 1 night and 1 full day every weekend to give her a full weekend for a blow out and be in a reasonable state on handover day thinking this would help and she would parent properly on her weekend but it seems to have had the opposite effect.

The DSC are seeing and hearing things they shouldn't and it's causing friction between me and my DP.

OP posts:

SnowyRacoon · 23/10/2019 14:34

@Doyoumindifislytherin all these instances you have noted yet your DP has done fuck all and allowed HIS kids to live like that?

Original poster

Doyoumindifislytherin · 23/10/2019 14:38

Shreddednips thank you for the constructive advice. I agree with everything you have said, My DP has been looking for local work for sometime now and he has no option but to continue working away.
until something more local turns up.
I'm going to suggest that they come to us every weekend for the time being, but unsure how this can be broached. If DP goes in there stating he wants them every weekend because she can't step up and parent properly at the weekends, shit will hit the fan.
He needs to broach it as a supportive measure and she needs to agree to it.
Hopefully she will miss them enough to realise she should be spending more quality time with them that doesn't involve parties and wine.

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/10/2019 14:38

I agree that your DP has to do something.

I'd start with him requesting a chat with his ex to discuss the DC.
He should raise the issue of them missing school and ask why it's happened, plus mention her staying in bed all day too hungover to parent. I'm sure she'll get upset, but he has to confront this. I think he should ask what he can do to help out and see how it goes from there.

Worst case, she refuses to engage and he can seek further advice - perhaps mediation to begin with to see if they can resolve it?

Best case, she'll admit that she needs to dial back the weekend drinking and make some positive changes.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/10/2019 14:40

It doesn't matter if shit hits the fan, it can't go on like this. She can have all the hissy fits she wants, but changes need to be made!

Apolloanddaphne · 23/10/2019 14:40

Your DP has to step up to protect his DC and if this means assuming full care of them and moving them schools then that is what he needs to do. The children can have access to their mother if she is sober and able to spend quality time with them. If I were him I would tell her that is what is happening and let her make whatever decisions she needs to make to ensure she is able to parent them adequately. She will either step up or go downhill. That will be her choice. In the meantime the DC will benefit from a stable and nurturing home.

ColaFreezePop · 23/10/2019 14:43

@Apolloanddaphne the problem is as SS hasn't been alerted to her alcohol problems she will be given the benefit of the doubt and if the OP DP takes them without her permission he could end up in a lot of crap.

Apolloanddaphne · 23/10/2019 14:46

I am actually a SW and I would always say that of one parent isn't able to parent adequately the other has to step up and be the protecting parent. OP and her DP could contact SS if they felt it was bad enough or they could sort it out themselves. Why would they be in trouble? The children have both a mother and a father. Either can look after them.

Wallywobbles · 23/10/2019 14:46

The choices don't seem over complicated in the first place to me.

Ideally residency should change to DF But that would leave you as a non parent in charge. That is legally ok as if residency is with DF he gets to decide who looks after them. Morally rather a Grey area.

How far away exactly does DF work. Could the kids go live where he works or is it an oil rig or similar?

So if you are really saying that residency needs to change next step is legal advice. There will probably need tones social worker involved and it's unlikely to be much fun. But from what you are saying that's beside the point.

I think what everyone's saying in part is that your DP is failing his kids by not dealing with this issue in the actual safe guarding and welfare interests of his kids. Great that he fab when he's with them but that's 2 nights out of 14. And that's not really good enough for them is it? Would you just let it go if it wa your kids? I suspect not.

AutumnCrow · 23/10/2019 15:15

He doesn't need to wade in criticising her. If she was struggling when he was with her, she's obviously going to be struggling more after he left her with two very small children to care for and the same problems.

He could say he realises he should be doing more and offering more.

shreddednips · 23/10/2019 15:38

I'm glad it was helpful. I see what you mean about shit hitting the fan, and I think it would be best to broach this as sensitively as possible, but I also think that the adults' feelings and convenience in this have to come second after the safety and welfare of the children. She will be upset, because nobody wants to hear their parenting being criticised, but IMO the fallout from making custody changes will be far less than if (heaven forbid) something were to happen to the children on her watch. If she's drunk and they are trying to feed themselves for example, I can just imagine them trying to use the oven or something and there being a horrible accident.

None of this is easy, and I feel for everyone involved, especially the children. But I think you have to ask yourself, first and foremost, what has to be done to keep the children safe and well? Her distress and upset over the situation shouldn't come before the children's right to decent food, an adult who is sober and cares for them properly, and their full education. Just because doing the right thing will create a stink doesn't stop it being the right thing to do.

shreddednips · 23/10/2019 15:49

I also wonder what is happening during the week. If she is struggling to cope so much at the weekends, can you be sure that they are being suitably looked after the rest of the time?

averythinline · 24/10/2019 12:15

He could frame it as giving her a break at the weekends and say it's not going to affect money...
As a start...

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/10/2019 00:03

Why the hell isnt their father stepping up? Stop making excuses. He should gone for full custody before now. He isnt protecting his children.

ZoyaDestroyer · 31/10/2019 00:09

Your DP needs to step up.

Can you imagine having your kids EOW, sending them back to an unsuitable parent and having any suitable excuse for why you wouldn't get them out of that situation and take full custody.

I'm gobsmacked that you are defending him. They are his children, its unforgivable that he is allowing this.

ZoyaDestroyer · 31/10/2019 00:11

What would he do if - heaven forbid- she got seriously ill or died. Shrug and say I can't help, I have to go to work?!

PerspicaciaTick · 31/10/2019 01:51

If what you are saying is true, then the child safeguarding issues are far more pressing than any issues between your DP and his ex.
IMO he should be getting much more involved in his children's lives and social services should be involved if they aren't already.

Gingerkittykat · 31/10/2019 05:21

So here is yet another man who has left his kids with a mentally unstable and substance abusing ex. He only had the kids one night a week but thought changing that to one full weekend is helping the mother, but it's ok because he takes his kids to a club every so often.

He needs to step up, including changing his job. I'm sure the ex has had to change her working arrangements to accommodate the kids and has not had the choice to do otherwise.

Hopefully she will miss them enough to realise she should be spending more quality time with them that doesn't involve parties and wine

She has 12 days quality time with them a fortnight, compared to your partner having 2. Who is the one who needs to step up?

ChilledBee · 31/10/2019 06:50

Your husband is wholly irresponsible.

DriftingLeaves · 31/10/2019 07:09

So much criticism of the father while ignoring the dreadful behaviour of the mother.

Ridiculous.

ChilledBee · 31/10/2019 07:27

Any parent needs to be aware that their co-parent might not live up to the job and they'll have to take over and run the show. Mums do it all the time. This dad has chosen to leave his children in an abusive situation and enjoy their new life.

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