DSC mum off the rails

[Doyoumindifislytherin]

Looking for practical advice regarding DSC
I've been in a relationship with their DF for 2 years. We have them EOW as DP works away so midweek access isn't an option right now. Every weekend we drop them back at mum's she is a mess. Still drunk or Hung over, not been to bed, the house is a tip etc. Feel awful leaving them in that environment but dp leaves early hours of handover day for work for the week and I have to get my own DD to school in another town an hours drive away so can't do both drop offs.

His ex had always been like this and this is what caused the breakdown of their relationship, she claims she has mental.health issues and uses any excuse to get wasted. My DP brushes it under the carpet every week so as not to cause a scene and give her another excuse to get hammered.
There has been several Mondays the kids haven't gone to school and she hasn't gone to work as she's too anxious to leave the house etc. The kids come to ours with tales of drunk mummy and sleepovers (parties) from her access weekend.

Clearly she needs help but it's not my place to interfere and DP won't mention anything to her about it for fear of reprocusions.

I'm tempted to say we will have them every weekend but feel this is just enabling her behaviour! We went EOW from 1 night and 1 full day every weekend to give her a full weekend for a blow out and be in a reasonable state on handover day thinking this would help and she would parent properly on her weekend but it seems to have had the opposite effect.

The DSC are seeing and hearing things they shouldn't and it's causing friction between me and my DP.

your DP is failing his children.... what repercussions ? he'd have to look after his own kids thats what.....and sort out childcare and feeding them etc etc but its ok for them to live like that so it doesn't touch his job!
maybe he should change his job/employ a nanny or sort childcare whatever.... like millions of other single parents do

either way I wouldnt wnat to be with someone who thinks so little of their children ...or are you planning on 'rescuing' them all..
I woudl phone NSPCC if you cant phone Social services and leave....
unless you are happy to take them on so he doesnt have to parent his own children -
youre right it should cause friction as it sounds like he's expecting you to step u where he won't..... you need to keep your conscence clear for those kids - but that doesnt mean you have to be their parent

If things are that bad their father should be obtaining custody and changing his job or sorting out a live in nanny for childcare. His children, his responsibility. Why is he letting them down? What kind of father or man would fail his own children so spectacularly by not doing so?

claims she has mental health issues....any excuse...another excuse...too anxious

Why use such derogatory language about her mental health issues and possible alcohol problems? It sounds like she is struggling with her mental health and/or has issues with alcohol so why pretend otherwise? It is also OK for her to get drunk and have people sleep over and be hung over on her time and please show me a perfect parent who has never had to parent whilst hungover. Why do you get to say that you'll have the children every weekend? Why can't your partner discuss this sensibly with their mother?

There may or may not be a problem here. But if the ex has a genuine mental health problem, it's not going to go away just because you want to believe it's laziness or just a case of making excuses about poor choices. Either the children need extra support - which could include a change in residence - or they don't. And you need to remember that the threshold for 'parenting difference' can be quite high, as can the threshold for social services intervention.

If they do need help, then really it is up to your partner to make the decision and follow it through. A starting point would be the school - if the children are off on Mondays on a regular basis, this will not have gone unnoticed. If their attendance is poor generally, this will not have gone unnoticed. Has your partner made contact with the school at all?

You can't do this for your partner. He needs to be interested enough in the well-being of his children to start the ball rolling. You need to consider what you are prepared to put up with - why would anyone want to be with someone they consider is neglecting their children? Don't make excuses for him or pretend it is the ex who is at fault here. If there is a problem, he needs to step up and fight for his children. What are you going to do if he doesn't?

If this is really as bad as you say then I would be looking to have the kids every weekend and your DH should be looking to see what he can do to support his ex in whatever way he can do that she can get the help she needs to get better. She clearly isn't happy and is struggling. He does have a duty to his children to make sure they are living in a safe and secure home. I also agree that if they are regularly missing school on a Monday then school will be aware of the situation and I'm surprised they haven't discussed this with your husband yet. Has your husband spoken to school yet and raised concerns?

I'm sorry but sesh anxiety isn't a thing. It's self inflicted and an excuse to feel sorry for yourself whilst not adulting for a few days.

I don't begrudge her having a break/blowout once in a while but it's EVERY weekend with or without her DC/my DSC.
I've had tales of them eating cold left out takeaway whilst she sleeps all day and they're left to fend for themselves.
Using VERY adult lauguge (swearing etc) and thinking it's funny because mummy laughs when they say it when she's had a few. There has been at least 3 instances over the last 6 months where they haven't been in school on Monday/Tuesday because she's been on a bender all weekend.

I've seen first hand what confrontation causes... it's all wo behold me, get the girls round and get wasted even more than last time.
Through the week she's fine. Does all the normal parenting duties but this is getting out of hand.

And those saying my DP should quit work, really.... like that's an option! He works away as that is where the work is. If He could find work locally, trust me He would be.
He parents his children at every opportunity he can. Arranges 50% of the childcare whilst he's working away.

It's not like she doesn't get a break. DSC are both in ft school, she only works 2 days per week and my DP facilitates all DSC weekend sporting activities and also arranges wrap around childcare on the days she is working. How can her behaviour be his responsibility and make him less of a parent?!

I

Her behaviour isn't his responsibility, but the wellbeing of his children is and he needs to step up. Clearly you are concerned about the impact on the kids however from your posts you dont want her to 'ave it easy' or get off lightly. Its
Not about her though it's about the children, whether or not she is enabled by having less to do with them.

Personally I would be making a call to the nspcc or social care, especially if she is regularly drunk in charge of the children and acting neglectfully (how old are they by the way)

He left her because her drinking and untreated mental health problems were out of hand and left his children with her? That’s frankly appalling. Of course he doesn’t want to address the crap hole they’re living in, the neglectful parenting they’re suffering from when he’s away working. If he did he’d have to face his responsibilities to step in and he isn’t prepared to do that. How can you take them back and leave them there knowing they’re exposed to awful behaviour and aren’t being fed properly? I couldn’t sleep at night or find him remotely attractive knowing how little he thinks his vulnerable children deserve.

I’m a SM and couldn’t be party to this shit show. Of course there are other jobs he could do ffs. He’d rather crack on with the status quo deciding not to think about his children other than 4 days a month.

Whether social care will take any interest would depend on their ages. Their mum needs help, but (a) it's rationed these days, and (b) she has to want it. Sounds like she's in a miserable rut and only looks forward to weekends.

Has your DP been fined yet for school non-attendance? Both parents get stung round here, including non resident ones.

He works away and does 50% of childcare while only having them every other weekend?
That's confusing.

I said he arranges 50% of the childcare. Obviously he doesn't do it himself as he isn't here. But the childcare is arranged and paid for by him every week and also in school holidays etc.

If the children are not having their needs met in her care your partner has to fulfill his legal responsibility and take over their care. Working- like the majority of parents do- is not a reason to fail to fulfill his responsibility. He will have to make arrangements for childcare or get a job that is more suited to caring for children like all other working parents have to do.

Your story doesn't tally due to your exaggerations. If it is as really bad as you make out then as PPs have said your DP needs to step up and stop using his job as an excuse. As he has refused to that shows he's happy with the status quo.

Your only say is whether you are happy to stay with a man who can't be bothered to parent his children apart from 4 days a month.

And if she dies? Will he then say he only looks after his children 50% of the time and not bother about the rest?

I don't want to add children's exact ages as could be outing but they are both infant school age.
My DP and I do talk about this issue lots and cant see a way to deal with it other than full custody, which isn't In the best Interest of the children. They love their mother,.home and school and uprooting them isn't the answer. Like I stated in previous posts, through the week she is an excellent parent but when the weekend comes round it's party central and any signs of adulting go out o the window. Its selfish self indulgent behaviour on her part. We do everything we can to ensure on our time they get routine, days out, activities etc.

which isn't In the best Interest of the children

That’s a lie; the truth is that it’s not what you or your partner want.

My DP and I do talk about this issue lots and cant see a way to deal with it other than full custody, which isn't In the best Interest of the children

So what’s the point of this thread? People will agree with you that she’s not parenting them well if she’s off her face drunk or too hungover to feed them properly. They, unfortunately for you, will also point out that neither of you has any right to moan about her when you do nothing to rectify the situation.

Your story is changing pretty quickly too. Is she neglectful or mostly excellent? Does he refuse to discuss it or do you talk about it lots?

Exaggerations?! Doesn't tally?! Really.... and how did you deduce that from my post.

I haven't exaggerated a thing, I've only posted what I know to be the truth based on what I have seen and what the children are saying.

It IS a problem when they spend all day almost every other weekend in their pjs fending for themselves whilst mummy sleeps off the effects from the night before. It is a problem when they are repeating adult lauguge as if it's normal. When it isn't my DP weekend he collects them and takes them to their extra curricular activities because she isn't in any state to take them, and drops them back off later in the day when she's snapped out of it. I was looking for advice in how to deal with the situation, but instead have faced accusations and backlash?!

My DP had broached the issue on more than one occasion and all its resulted in is her calling her friends and getting on the wine again.
At no point did I say I would have them every weekend, I said we would. My DP parents them when they are with us and I parent my own.
I was hoping for advice on how to present this as an option to her, but clearly I'm in the wrong place.

Ok so they're aged approx between 4 and 7, and he left them over 2 years ago with their mum because she was drinking too much and mentally unwell / erratic?

And your own DD is at school an hour away?

I think you're putting yourself in a very unenviable place with this bloke, tbh.

She is neglectful at the weekend which has on occasion spilled over into the early part of the week. It doesn't take away from the fact that she is neglectful and selfish at the weekends, and then parents well in the week when no booze is involved.

cant see a way to deal with it other than full custody, which isn't In the best Interest of the children. They love their mother,.home and school and uprooting them isn't the answer.

Full custody - which is actually residency - doesn't mean they don't see their mother. It means they don't live with her. If she actually has mental health issues then as they resolve they will end up spending more and more time with her.

If they are infant school age then it is actually easier and better to move them as it won't disrupt their education. It would also be their norm.

In short your DP doesn't want to change his job and his living arrangements as the status quo suits him.

Your only choice is to either leave him or put up with it. If you put up you need to shut up as you cannot control other people.

Similar situations with SD’s mummy here, but not so exaggerated. We have the children all weekend and drop them to school on Monday. We manage this by putting some children in breakfast club so we don’t have to be in two places at once x

When it isn't my DP weekend he collects them and takes them to their extra curricular activities because she isn't in any state to take them,

You know child arrangements are different for each set of parents? So there is nothing stopping your DP and his ex coming to an agreement where he has them every weekend and she just has them in the week, or even 3 weekends out of 4. Plus half the holidays.

I know someone who had his children every weekend until they reached school age as his ex worked on weekends.

AllFour that isn't a lie, you don't know me or my DP. I would have them full time in a heartbeat if that's what they wanted. But uprooting them from their DM, School, friends etc in what would undoubtedly be a very nasty custody battle isn't the answer.

I wish I could just give her a shake and make her see what she is doing and they way she is behaving is nothing short of irresponsible a d selfish, and that shed snap out of it, but I can't.

OP, I'm not sure people are intending to attack you but I think the answer to this issue is not one you want to hear. I don't think that broaching the subject with her will work at the moment, it doesn't sound like she's going to stop and you can't make her. The only thing that can be done, and this is your DP's responsibility, is to decide whether a change of custody is needed.

I understand that changing work would be difficult for him, but it sounds from your description like the children are actually unsafe in her care, especially at the weekend. Small children being cared for by someone that is drunk, doesn't feed them properly and doesn't take them to school is unsafe and wrong. They need an adult (their father) to stand up for them and ensure that they are cared for properly. It sounds like this will mean doing it himself.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent. When they were sober, they were excellent as you describe. That is not enough, because when they were drunk they were frightening and unpredictable and it has had lasting effects on me. I loved them, but in hindsight it wasn't the right thing for them to be responsible for my care and safety. I appreciate the difficult this puts your partner in, but he is the other parent and if her behaviour is as bad as you describe then the buck stops with him.

I also hear what you say about uprooting them, but this doesn't really sound safe and IMO that trumps everything.