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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Im a Terrible Person

37 replies

easybuffy · 24/09/2004 17:27

I have a major problem with my 3 year-old step-daughter. I have a partner who loves me completely and he also loves my 2 children 12 and 8 that live with us. But I just cannot bring myself to accept his child.
She is overweight (which frustrates me) and looks just like her mother. My partner has contact with her on a Wednesday evening and she spends every Sunday with us. Somedays I can barely speak or look at her I resent her so much. I just don't understand why I feel like this and it is causing my partner and I so much pain because he knows exactly how I feel. She is a well behaved normal child but I see her as some sort of monster.
I do realise that I have things completely out of proportion, but I hate the way she looks, the way she acts, the way she walks and talks.
I love my partner so much,,,,why can't I do this one thing for him and accept his child? I don't expect to love her or even like her ....just accept that she is around.
Please can anyone offer any suggestions,,,,I feel so bad about the way I feel about her.

OP posts:

beansprout · 24/09/2004 21:34

I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread. Step-parenting is the hardest thing i have ever done and there are very few models or ideas on what to do, other than falling short of how parents feel about their own children.

I agree that you are probably jealous of her (as i eventually realised i was about my own dsd). It's not possible to embrace a threat but I have needed to realise that my dsd is not a threat to me or my relationship. When I remember that, it's a lot, lot easier.

edam · 24/09/2004 23:06

poor little girl

tigermoth · 25/09/2004 08:19

hope you get counselling too - I think you are brave to admit to this but now need to talk it through with someone.

Personally I find the toddler stage a very trying time and 'liked' both my sons more as babies and as school age children. My oldest son is 5.5 years older than his brother and when ds2 was around 3, I did resent the restrictions that gave us - ie I knew I could easily take ds1 (age 8) to the cinema but ds2 wouldn't sit through a film. So we had to go to soft play centres etc - things I had done so many times before and was getting sick of doing again.

As you have two older children you have lived through the toddler stage. If this little girl was your own child, would you still find this stage difficult? and the age gap difficult? I don't think this is the only reason you are feeling like you do, but it might be part of the reason. I bet a lot of parents with two older children and one toddler feel stressed about the conflicting needs and demands pushed their way.

TraceyP · 25/09/2004 19:45

I think you need to separate your dislike of your partner's ex from her child. You seem to be reflecting your feelings for this child's mother onto the child, and that is unfair. You are the grown-up in this relationship and you must act like it. I do think you need to address your jealousy - she is three years old, completely dependant on her parents, and she needs her father. One day a week is not too much for your partner to be spending with his daughter. Be thankful that your partner has accepted your children, and think how you would feel if he "resented" your children because they reminded him of your ex.

You say that she is a normal, well behaved child so she is clearly not the monster you perceive her to be. I don't think you really hate everything about her, I think you just see her as a threat to your relationship with your partner. She isn't, but your jealousy of the relationship she has with your partner could be. I think you were very brave to start this thread, bearing in mind how emotive a subject this is, and hope that you can take some of the advice you have been given to make a better relationship with this lovely little girl.

Original poster

easybuffy · 27/09/2004 14:38

Hi all. Just to bring you up to date since I last saw my stepdaughter yesterday.I followed lots of your advice. I began by my partner leaving her alone with me...she cried and clung to him! Which I felt bad about, but I hugged her and told her that we were going to be friends and that we wouldnt make each other cry any more and to do that we needed to have lots of cuddles. I started off determined to act the part but found I didnt need to act. I took her to the library and we chatted a lot. I bought her a book which she liked. My partner and me then took her home and I read to her. She asked me to go on holiday with her and her mother (which would be interesting!!) We all had a nice day....and we could both see the change in her.
Im nervous, as is my partner, because its early days. But I feel like a weight has been lifted and its thanks to all your comments...good and bad. I have realised that as Beansprout pointed out....she isnt a threat to my relationship...the way I was reacting to her is the threat.

OP posts:

MeanBean · 27/09/2004 15:10

Easybuffy well done. I hope you work it all out. It's up to you whether you make this child a pain in the arse nuisance in your life, or a source of joy. It sounds like you've taken the first few steps to make her the latter. Good luck.

aloha · 27/09/2004 15:37

Hi, very glad you seem to be on the way to sorting this out. It's very good news. Well done - and keep it up! It probably won't be all plain sailing but if you stay with your partner, there will come a time when she can't remember a time when you weren't in her life and may even - gulp! - come to really love you.

codswallop · 27/09/2004 15:37

FAB# WELL DONE YOU!

Twinkie · 27/09/2004 15:44

Fantastic and I have to say that your partner must be super duper - I would kick DP out if he treated my DD any other way than with the respect and love that she deserves so you must have a good one there.

Easy · 27/09/2004 18:45

Well done EB. Keep it up. There will be times when you still feel unhappy about the whole business of your dp's access to his daughter, but you have started to workout that it isn't her, but the situation that is difficult sometimes.

You'll know you've really got it licked when you can talk/think about dp's ex without feeling resentful (I'm not quite there yet, but thats a whole raft of earlier threads)

SoupDragon · 27/09/2004 18:59

Stick with it, EB! That's absolutely fantastic for your first effort

Angeliz · 27/09/2004 19:02

Well done EB.
You've probably really boosted her confidence already as cj=hildren can pick these things up i think+

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