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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Im a Terrible Person

37 replies

easybuffy · 24/09/2004 17:27

I have a major problem with my 3 year-old step-daughter. I have a partner who loves me completely and he also loves my 2 children 12 and 8 that live with us. But I just cannot bring myself to accept his child.
She is overweight (which frustrates me) and looks just like her mother. My partner has contact with her on a Wednesday evening and she spends every Sunday with us. Somedays I can barely speak or look at her I resent her so much. I just don't understand why I feel like this and it is causing my partner and I so much pain because he knows exactly how I feel. She is a well behaved normal child but I see her as some sort of monster.
I do realise that I have things completely out of proportion, but I hate the way she looks, the way she acts, the way she walks and talks.
I love my partner so much,,,,why can't I do this one thing for him and accept his child? I don't expect to love her or even like her ....just accept that she is around.
Please can anyone offer any suggestions,,,,I feel so bad about the way I feel about her.

OP posts:

Angeliz · 24/09/2004 17:34

I really hope you get some advice, i wouldn't know where to start. Don't have step children.
Reading your post though, i DO have a 3 year old daughter and i just though imagine if she knew that someone HATED everything about her. It really is awful and you must get a grip or turn into a bloody good actress because you just can't let the poor child see it!!

SoupDragon · 24/09/2004 17:37

Can you think of one thing that you ike about her and concentrate on that? Use it as a way in to get to know her as a person which should help you see past the things you don't like.

And yes, be a good actress like Angeliz says.

MTS · 24/09/2004 17:39

is the issue the child herself, or that you feel insecure because she is a link to your partner's ex and past?

whymummy · 24/09/2004 17:47

easybuffy please get help,she's just 3 and completly innocent

bonniej · 24/09/2004 17:51

This made me really sad. The little girl is only 3 and as a mother I can't imagine feeling hate for any child especially one that young no matter who her parent is. Please get help and really pretend you do like her. She may only be three but she will be aware of your feelings. Be nice to her

lilibet · 24/09/2004 17:55

easybuffy, I have no advice for you other than what has been offered, but I just wanted to say that I thought you were pretty good for admitting this, it can't have been an easy thing to do.

Something that has just occurred to me, how would you feel if this was your partner and what would you wnat him to do in the same situation?

tammybear · 24/09/2004 17:56

easybuffy, i can understand where you're coming from. dp found it quite difficult to begin with, with dd. he isnt her father, and he knew of exp so it use to upset him at times as dd would remind him of me and exp together, and the fact that dd will never be his dd biologically. but he is now really amazing with her, in fact mumsnet made him realise that he has to accept dd to be with me, and he really loves her, and asks me to give her a kiss from him, pushes her around in town, and is even willing to look after her for me whilst i go out on my own or something for a bit.

i think from what uve said, i think u cant come to the terms that his dd is someone elses too, i may be wrong but im just speaking from my dp's experience. how long have you been with him/seen her?

fio2 · 24/09/2004 18:01

you known you are in the wrong. You are good to admit
dont hate her for what she looks like, for gawds sake, she is a child

Lots of us feel jealousy, you are not alone. Coping with things like this is hard. maybe it will take time. try not to resent and look at like it was your dp hating your two, which would be awful to you.

I know you know its wrong and I know you take on board things and most probably wanted to just get thisoff your chest. we are all human

Original poster

easybuffy · 24/09/2004 18:16

Thank you all of you for your replies. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and I would be devastated if my partner felt like that about my children.
Just hearing you say that I need to act that I like her for her sake, focus on one good thing about her and that she is just a child actually helps. I probably did need to just get it off my chest. I realise that I am jealous also as she is the link to his ex but I dunno what to do about that one,,,,,,apart from somehow get over it.

OP posts:

MTS · 24/09/2004 18:19

easybuffy - in terms of getting over feelings of insecurity - would it help if you discussed things with your partner and/or a counsellor. Your GP can refer you to a counsellor, or you could go to Relate (they aren't just for couples to attend). It could be that the child herself isn't the issue - you could feel insecure for a completely different reason, and the child is sort of the focus for that if that makes sense

Easy · 24/09/2004 18:24

You've been very good to admit this EB, and I want to try to help. I think taking on step-children is a remarkably difficult thing to do, I found it very hard 12 years ago, and sometimes dh's commitment to seeing his kids still causes me to feel a bit resentful, even tho' I fully support his involvement in their lives.

You know what, I think you're jealous. Like many emotions (including love and hate) you can't help it, but you have to try to conquer it, for the sake of your relationship, as well as for this little girl.

She causes your dp to see his ex twice a week, and you don't like it, and she is your dp's little girl, and while she's around you are not the centre of his world. Analyse your feelings, I'm right aren't I?

Does your dp know how you feel? Can you talk to him about it calmly? if so try to talk it out.

I MADE myself spend 1 to 1 time with my stepdaughter when she was little and that helped me get over my feelings a little, cos I got to know her rather than 'what she was'. Now she's 16, we're pretty good friends.

I hope you're not upset by what I've said. Can we talk more about this?

One more thing, how do your children get on with her. Don't let them see your feelings towards her please, she needs friends at your home you know.

Original poster

easybuffy · 24/09/2004 18:26

Thanks MTS I did consider counselling but I think I am ashamed of admitting to someone face to face of how I really feel. And if we went as a couple my partner will discover just how strongly I feel and it will hurt him even more than he is hurt already.
Also I feel that it is somehow admitting how bad the problem actually is, that I have to ask a third person for help. That it has become that bad.

OP posts:

hercules · 24/09/2004 18:30

No advice but sympathy. I dont think you have anything to feel ashamed of. It is a natural emotion and you know it is out of proportion and irrational. I dont think you should admit to your dh how you feel as it will only be opening up a can of worms. However for the sake of this little girl and your own marrriage I do think you need professional help but alone.
what about your gp? I dont think they would think you were a bad person at all. We all have problems after all.

MTS · 24/09/2004 18:30

but admitting it here is the first step, easybuffy. admitting there is a problem and trying to fix it (including seeing a third person) takes a stronger better person that just simmering away and blaming an innocent party). i am sure that there are very often tensions and jealousies when people deal with their partners children by exes, and that counsellors will be used to this sort of situation - after all you are hardly saying - I don't want my partner to see his child ever again - don't be too hard on yourself for your thoughts - even if your thoughts aren't welcoming, your actions and behaviour can be

hercules · 24/09/2004 18:31

You are not a terrible person only a human being!

Original poster

easybuffy · 24/09/2004 18:33

Easy.....you are so right. About everything.
I did start to spend some time alone with her but I felt guilty that I was taking time away from my partner that he should be spending with her.
Maybe I should start doing that again.
He suggests that I have more physical contact with her ...such as hugging when she comes over and a kiss goodbye. Strangely I used to do this when she was 1yr old when she was a baby.....but now she is more of her own person and when she speaks I can hear things that her mother might say.! I feel like I have sort of turned against her,,,,,I feel really bad about it and I am upset writing this.
My children get along with her fine....squabbles like normal children. I think my 8 year old resents her slightly and I dread to think that he may pick that up from me.

OP posts:

Forestfly · 24/09/2004 18:33

I think you need to bond, any chance of a trip out the two of you. You need your own special joke or book game. Something the two of you like together.

SoupDragon · 24/09/2004 18:37

It sounds like it's not the child you have problems with but her mother. As your partner's DD began to look and sound more like her mother, you seem to have withdrawn from her. It doesn't sound like you had so big a problem when she was a baby.

codswallop · 24/09/2004 18:47

I think other poeples kids are often hard to get on with and that as you know how strong the parental bond can be it must sem all the more acute that it isnt there with her.

I agree with the others - take her out alone, go shopping, get her a book you can share together.

GeorginaA · 24/09/2004 19:03

I just wanted to say that 3 years old is such a yucky age anyway. There are days I don't like my own 3 year old (although I still love him, but then he's mine) let alone anyone else's. And I'm sure this is a more common problem than most people let on.

The "act as if" advice has helped immensely with my own child and with other people's when they're being less than angelic (although admittedly, I get to go home without other people's children so that makes it slightly easier - I also have a less vested interest if I don't quite achieve that). I do find that I have to act less and it becomes more natural over time.

Everyone else has given fantastic advice - particularly finding one thing ANYTHING that you can share/focus on and build on that. Praise positive behaviour, try and ignore the bad not only helps to improve their behaviour but also puts you in a better frame of mind - remembering the good stuff more than the bad of the day which can't help but improve your relationship.

You have the advantage over me in that you already have older children, so you know they eventually stop being 3

Easy · 24/09/2004 20:24

EB, is there something she really likes doing, such as soft play centres, or painting, or helping to bake?

if so make a point of doing it with her, alone you and she. It's buying her affection, but when she starts to give you her affection, you won't be able to resist her, I'm sure. And don't be guilty about taking her time from your dp, doing this will help your relationship survive, so it's worth it.

Please try to get reassurance from him about his feelings for you. You don't like him seeing his ex, cos underneath you're insecure (aren't we all?). Keep telling yourself
"He choose to be with me. He doesn't want her, he had her and decided he doesn't want her. Now he's mine"
It's logical isn't it?

I do know how you feel.

zippy539 · 24/09/2004 21:08

If the little girl is she's three and you've been with d.p 2.5 years then presumably she was tiny/unborn when you and dp got together. I'm guessing that her presence at the time would have made things really quite difficult for you while establishing your relationship with your dp (ie she was/is a tangible reminder of his recent previous relationship and also presumably complicated things in other practical ways).

Looked at in this way I think its probably relatively normal for you to feel some ambivalence towards her - and I'm sure you could make some real advances towards accepting her if you could get some help to look at these issues. Sorry if this is way wide of the mark and good luck in confronting this - what a horrible situation for everyone involved.

MeanBean · 24/09/2004 21:10

Easybuffy, I do think you need counselling about this. It's very brave of you to admit it here, but it's only the first step. Don't feel guilty about taking time out from your DH, if you are with him permanently and she has to visit you on a regular basis, then she needs both of you to want her around, not just him.

What is your relationship like with his ex? And how does your step daughter interact with you? Is she negative in her attitude? Do you suspect that she is being primed by her mother? If she does develop a very negative relationship with you as she gets older, it could actually damage her relationship with her father, which in turn could damage his relationship with you, so I think it is very important for you to sort this out properly now, while you have plenty of time.

Congratulations on recognising and wanting to address the problem. Not everyone does - and it is far more common than most people are prepared to admit. Don't feel bad about yourself, wanting to solve it means you're a good and courageous person, not a bad one.

Galaxy · 24/09/2004 21:12

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Galaxy · 24/09/2004 21:12

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