How to handle contact threats?

[facedowninthedirt]

What do you (your DP/DH, I suppose) do when contact is threatened?

For what feels like the millionth time, DP ex is saying that she is not going to allow contact. They usually have 50/50. She normally backtracks at last minute or just after when she realises that it really fucking messes with her week when she is ‘stuck’ with the kids.

DP is at a total loss of what to do - sweep comments aside and explain that it isn’t her decision or just let it lie for a minute and hope she comes to him?

Have officially lost all sense of what is fucking normal.

What's prompting it?

Mum uses Dad as threat towards children. Dad doesn’t like this and thinks Mum should have her own boundaries. Mum thinks Dad is trying to control her and what she does with her children.

If mu is using stopping contact as a threat to make the children behave = then completely unreasoanble.

If she is expecting restrictions for bad behaviour to be continued in other house on 50: 50 -the not unreasonable but the parents need to discuss.

Very difficult to enforce discipline in a 50:50 arrangement, when the child know s the restriction, ie, xbox, internet etc stops when they go to the other house - despite really bad behaviour.

One of the few things ex and I agree on - ban in one house carries inot the next house.

Opposite really.

If they are badly behaved in school or with her, she does nothing about except threaten to send them full time with Dad. When she’s in a good mood with them, she says she misses them and tells them if they behave, they can stay full time with Mum.

If badly behaved with Dad or in school, he will ground, remove devices, etc. She doesn’t agree so doesn’t do the same thing. Lots of stressful situations with the kids lately, but it always ends with her in bits asking DP where they’ve gone wrong and how do they get them back on the right path. Agreed to get on the same page.

Dad has asked her not to use him as a threat as he is constantly looking like the bad cop and obviously can’t compete, she retaliated by telling him she was changing contact to EOW.

She’s threatened this before but normally panics at the prospect at actually having them and back tracks fairly quickly. Obviously it’s not my decision but I’m not sure if it’s in the kids best interests to tell her she doesn’t get to change contact this far in without going to court or whether to just give it a few weeks and saying if she changes her mind. CAO is on the cards anyway I think, amicable was a nice idea but don’t think it’s working!

It sounds more like that DH assumes the position of Bad Cop and ex reinforces that to her advantage.

The ex is being ridiculous and selfish. It will have a negative impact on the children all the threats around contact.

What the fuck kind of a mum threatens to chuck their kids out and send them to live with their other parent because they’ve been naughty. Or that they won’t see their dad when they are good. They’ll be feeling really insecure poor things ☹️

I think getting a CAO is the only answer. That way she can spout off her vile nonsense all she likes, but their dad can reassure them that they aren’t going to be stopped from seeing him.

Don’t react to the threats. At all. She’s trying to exert power and control over you. Collect the kids as normal - if at any point she really does refuse to allow contact (very unlikely) threaten court action and follow through with it.

Ignore her as a PP said.

Unless she actually withholds contact more than once then don't go down the court route as they won't make an Order.

Also your DP shouldn't be disciplining them over things that happen in her time whether it happens at school or not.

He just needs to repeat to the children dad's house dad's rules and mum's house mum's rules. Then make it clear there is no discussion on that.

As long as he shows he is listening to them then setting them boundaries and enforcing discipline they will have no reason to fear contact with him. In fact long term they may actually want to live with him as he's predictable.

Oh god, poor kids. They must feel so insecure.

What is the current arrangement? Can your DP ask for more contact, and make the school drop off/pick up work?

The ex sounds like a junior version of my son's birth mum. Can't be bothered to actually parent so just puts it all on the other parent. Back in the 70s this was "just you wait til your father gets home!"