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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To move or not

37 replies

Pet861 · 13/10/2019 20:24

Hi would really appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in this unusual situation or anyone elses opinion as I'm really struggling.

A bit of backround -- I have lived with my Son age 10 since I split with his Dad 9 years ago. We have lived in same house all these years and my Son has a great group of friends and is very happy and settled.

My partner and I who have been together 5 years are looking at places to move into together, he has a Son age 9 also who lives with him.

The problem is every time I talk with my Son about possibly moving he hates the idea. He is usually such a happy child and he really has had it pretty good his whole life and this has really rocked him he is so against the idea. Just talking about it ends up with him almost in tears which isn't like him.

My partners Son and mine and like chalk and cheese and don't really get on, his Son on the other hand is up for the idea and looking forward to it, he has had a lot of change in his life so seems to handle it better.
My question is as Mum is it wrong for me to knowingly make my Son unhappy by moving for my own happiness?- although Im not sure how happy I will be If he doesn't adjust. Any opinions would be great.

Thanks x

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 13/10/2019 23:33

My partners Son and mine and like chalk and cheese and don't really get on

I wouldn't want to live with someone I didn't get on with either. No wonder he gets tearful about it.

I doubt that you'd be happy if your son isn't.

Is this move going to take him away from his friends?
Does it involve a new school?

What is his relationship with your DP like?

Is his own father in his life?

The answers to the above may give an insight to how his feelings.

If he's unhappy about a move, it will most likely affect his performance at school, could lead to him having anxiety and developing behavioural issues.

Felic23 · 14/10/2019 08:57

Thanks for your message. He has a good relationship with his Dad who he sees often. We would move to same town we live in now so will still be able to see friends but not how he does now as he can just knock for them. School will stay the same. My parner and my Son get on fine but with him being a working single Dad we dont spend a lot of time together. This is why we want to move in. I do understand where my Son is coming from and i feel unsure. Its a shame as he is doing so well at school and is a happy child i feel this might change all of that but that leaves me stuck.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/10/2019 09:25

I think this is a difficult situation but at the same time you can't really let your child dictate how you live your live in my opinion. Can you involve him in the house move by taking him along to viewings? Get him excited about his new bedroom?

My DD doesn't get on massively well with her stepbrothers but they rub along ok and all of the kids are happy. Just make sure you have enough room for everyone to have their own space and not be on top of each other - that would be my advice.

Bibidy · 14/10/2019 12:11

I think given your second post that you're being silly to consider not moving because your son isn't on board with it. You're moving to the same town, he'll stay at the same school and still be around all of his friends!

My parents moved when I was 8 and I was devastated too - but I was moving schools as well. I got over it so quickly! He will be fine when he realises nothing is really changing except your DP and his son will be around.

I would do as the PP says and just make sure the boys have a room each so they have their own space. I wouldn't take your son to viewings though as that would imply he gets to say yes or no to each house, and that will just cause more issues if you end up going for one he's said he doesn't like.

swingofthings · 14/10/2019 17:38

Why don't they get along? I think this is a significant issue that can't be ignored. Of course, siblings don't always get along, but they receive the same discipline and have never known any different.

Is there a risk that moving together, they are treated differently? Are you and your partner on the same wavelength when it comes to value and principles?

Ultimately, couldn't you agree to move when he is due to go to secondary school? They rarely stay friends with those from primary at that age.

Felic23 · 14/10/2019 19:19

Hi thanks for your advice, i would never want to let mu Son dictate how I live my life its just fear of him being so un happy with the change he will ask to move to his Dads which could be a possibility as he also lives in the same town.

Felic23 · 14/10/2019 19:24

Hi thanks for reply.

They didnt get along in the beginning as his Son has behaviour issues (goes to a special school) and used to be aggressive and hit ect. They have also had very different unbringings. We parent in a similar way but obs he has the Dad approach where im more Mum if that makes sense. I think deep down my Son may be a bit scared of him, he knows he was expelled from school. My Son is actually going to secondary school next year so wouldnt be long to wait. Its such a hard decision!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/10/2019 19:24

My partners Son and mine and like chalk and cheese and don't really get on

That’s your answer. You can’t, in good conscience, move your child in with someone you know he doesn’t get on with and call it a good decision.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 14/10/2019 19:25

I think deep down my Son may be a bit scared of him

Flipping hell! And you’re even considering it?

Nonnymum · 14/10/2019 19:36

You say you haven't all spent much time together. Would you be able to do that before you actually move on together. It's a massive step and will be difficult to undo if it doesn't work out once you have done it.

Ginger1982 · 14/10/2019 19:49

I couldn't my son in a situation where he had to share his home, his safe space, with someone he was frightened of. Absolutely not.

lunar1 · 14/10/2019 20:21

There is no way on earth I would put my children in a position where they feel unsafe in their own home.

Felic23 · 14/10/2019 22:03

His Son has got a lot better and there is no longer any hitting or aggression at all but i think my son still remembers. To clarify it was never bad towards my Son he had anger issues at school mainly. The little time we do spend together they can be together play a game etc but dont get a long as in share many similar hobbies and there personality dont mix well

Felic23 · 14/10/2019 22:07

I think thats a good idea and one we havent put enough effort into doing. We spoke today and are going to ensure we spend at least 1 evening a week together and see how that goes.

Felic23 · 14/10/2019 22:12

His Son is not dangerous just had lots of change with his Mum leaving him and caused lots of anger issues. My Son is very calm and placid and i think seeing how quickly his Son has lost his temper in the past has scared him but not in a way that he is scared of what he would do to him. The aggression he has showed towards my Son was when he was say 6/7 yrs old and was throwing things, shouting and on a few occasions been violent eg pushing kicking. That has all been non existent for last 2 years.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 14/10/2019 22:42

Sounds to me like moving in would be a terrible mistake. You describe all of you spending "little time together", so you haven't had a chance to really test how you will all get on when in close proximityfor extended periods. What you do know, is that in the time you have spent together, the kids don't get on. And that the other kid has behavioural issues . You can be confident that if you move in together, you (and your son) will see a hell of a lot more of those behavioural issues because that's what happens when you live together. Personally, I would never put my kids into a situation where they're forced to live with someone they don't like or get on with. As a parent, my first responsibility is to them. So no, I don't think you should be moving in and putting your time with your partner ahead of your son's sense of safety, security and happiness in his own home.

If you do decide to move in regardless, please don't stand in the way of your son going to live with his dad. He has another home where he would feel safe and secure, so the least you could do is allow him to go without kicking up a fuss if you decide that living with your partner is the key priority for you.

LatentPhase · 15/10/2019 07:08

I am not hearing ds is scared for his safety. Just that he has seen behaviour in the past which has scared him. I would say, get the transition to secondary over. Spend more time together. Then revisit the idea.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 15/10/2019 11:20

His Son is not dangerous just had lots of change with his Mum leaving him and caused lots of anger issues.

So his dad thinks more life changes is a good idea? his dad needs to wise up and maintain stability for this child. That means the two of them living together in the home their in. No trying to blend another family into a new home with them.

Felic23 · 15/10/2019 11:22

I do agree with everything youve said, i also feel like what there could be benefits to moving in together for my Son and his as a family home with a Mum and Dad might be good instead of single parent house hold. My parner is very supportive and a really good Dad and partner so would be a good role model for my Son. I think its nice if a child can have an example of a good relationship as the grow up. I guess the issue is weather my Son will be happy eventually or always hate it. I would never force him to move, i need to get him on board but not sure how! Thanks for your message.

SandyY2K · 15/10/2019 19:02

The aggression he has showed towards my Son was when he was say 6/7 yrs old and was throwing things, shouting and on a few occasions been violent eg pushing kicking. That has all been non existent for last 2 years

It's probably not that long ago in his mind though.

For some people seeing one outburst is more than enough to want to stay away.

He's too young to rationalise the behaviour the way you've done.

While you would still be in the same town, it's who he's going to live with that's the issue.

As much as I might like to move house, if it meant living with someone I didn't get on with, I wouldn't be keen to move at all.

I know you want to live in a family unit, but your DS doesn't see it the same and as his own dad is very present in his life, your vision isn't his vision and is more like a nightmare to him.

He can also still see your relationship as a positive one, even if you don't live together.

Do the 4 of you do anything together? Maybe you could try some activities like indoor wall climbing, or activities that are fun and non competitive, or that will cause issues when obe of them wins.

'Go Ape' is an option depending on where you live.
Of course it does depends on what stuff the boys are both into.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2019 19:11

Oh no OP, no, it’s not okay to ask your son to live with someone who has anger issues like you describe and had lashed out at him in the past. I’m amazed your relationship survived that period to be honest, you wouldn’t have stayed with him if he or his son attacked you I hope, so you’ve asked a lot of your son already to continue having to spend time with this other boy.

Felic23 · 15/10/2019 19:44

Hi thanks for your message, i do really understand where my Son is coming from but hadnt thought that maybe the past was still very real to him.
We have had a holiday together each year we have been together. The last one this Summer was good no problems except normal child squabbling but even that was minimal. The more i think about it the more i think my Son worry that my partners Son may behave like that agsin.

I think explaining the reasons behind his anger and that he has now as much as he can come to accept his Mum not being around might help my Son to understand rather than just thinking he is/was very angry/aggressive.

Annasgirl · 15/10/2019 19:56

Why on earth would you move your son in with a child of the same age who has anger issues? I notice you are minimising the problems with this boy because you obviously want to live with your man but really both of you are being selfish, him to a child who has anger issues and you to a son who does not want to live with that boy.

But you won't listen to any of us I'm sure so move on ahead with Mr. Perfect dad and I'm sure your son will tolerate it all until he can leave home at 16.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 15/10/2019 20:28

Why do you need to move in with your partner when the cost to your son could be so big? Is it to save money?

SandyY2K · 15/10/2019 21:07

The truth is that being abandoned or sensing your mum doesn't care about you, will have long lasting effects on any child.

Losing the love and nurturing of a mother at a young age isn't something that gets resolved in a couple of years.

You said yourself that you parent like a mum and your DP like a dad... so his DS is missing our on that vital maternal love.

Even when a dad is a good dad, of which there are many....a child not having their mum present creates attachment issues.

Your DS isn't missing fatherly love...your SS is and I wonder if living together will be worse for your SS...as it will highlight the lack of his own mum.

I know you will give him lots of love, but you don't love another child like you love your own IMO.

It's a shame really...because they're so close in age, in theory they could have a great relationship and be like brothers.

Some parents just don't realise what damage leaving a child can have and that it can last through adulthood and affect their future relationships.

You're quite brave to want to do this tbh. I couldn't deal with the complexities of it all.

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