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Help! 1st time poster 1st time SD

10 replies

N3wd4ddy · 13/10/2019 18:33

Hi, First time poster on here. So I’m a man, met a girl about a year ago and we became pregnant way earlier then we had planned. Unexpected by both but taken as a blessing and both positive about it. We have our ups and downs as any couple would but generally good. She has a 10 year old son, me and him get along well and did pretty much from the start. I have spent time with him, bought him bits and pieces, driven him to/from school, tried to teach him things, explained respect to him, emphasised how amazing his mum is to him/us - basically did all the things I would do if he were my own blood son. She says he has anger/emotional issues and he does seem to go from 0 to 100mph rage in a split second over the smallest thing (ie: if we make a joke he doesn’t like or even mimic a noise he makes). He will scream, shout, bang doors and generally be horrible to be around. He is an only child and his mum has been a single parent pretty much since his birth (which I respect and salute totally). My issue is he talks to her (his mum) like dirt, he screams at her, shouts, is rude. Even if she asks for a small task to be done he will be nasty and horrible about it. I know kids can be resistant to tasks but he will make it WW3 and totally over react to any request. When she asks even a small thing he will ignore her or moan so much she gives in and he basically does what he does/doesn’t want to do. He has zero manners, he will never say please or thanks and never shares anything he has. But feels anyone else should share or he is being cheated/left out. He is horrible to/about other kids and says mean things about them and acts nastily to them. For me, being 10 he should be nicer to other kids especially if they are 3-4 years old? The other day he literally went crazy just because his 3 year old cousin took one of his many free from McDonald’s balloons. The most frustrating part for me is his Mum doesn’t think his behaviour is a problem or an issue. So in turn he doesn’t get called out of reprimanded and he can act this way and thinks it’s ok. It makes me want to scold and discipline him but his mum has asked me not to discipline him. So I bite my tongue and try not to listen or get involved. But when I hear/see him being so disrespectful to his own Mum. I fear for how he will be when he’s a teenager. For me he hasn’t got any emotional issues he just hasn’t had any discipline or boundaries set. It would be easier to walk away and leave the situation, but as mentioned we have had a baby just a week ago. Even the night before labour her 10 year old son was telling his mother he hates her and being horrid to her just because he wasn’t allowed to his friends house to play (his mum did explain it’s because baby due any moment). I don’t feel unreasonable, ok I’m not a previous parent but my career means I’ve worked closed with children previously and I come from a big family. My fear is our new born daughter will see her old brothers behaviour and mimic it. It saddens me a 10 year old can talk about his own mother and act so mean to her but as mentioned the most frustrating bit is his mother acts like his behaviour is fine. So it’s not even addressed or highlighted/worked on. So it makes me look like I’m over sensitive or overly strict. I was raised to love your mother endlessly and respect everyone (especially your elders). Am I living in the 1950’s or am I missing something? Any opinions much appreciated. Please be as brutal/harsh as you feel as this is my last hope to get any further insight.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
N3wd4ddy · 13/10/2019 18:37

but my career means I’ve worked closely* with children previously

OP posts:
Novembersbean · 13/10/2019 20:38

Oh dear, he sounds horrendous. Do you live with your partner?

I think you need to have a really serious discussion with your partner about her unwillingness for you to discipline him, because if you are unable to do that going forward it will impact the whole family. What are you supposed to do when he is being cruel to your joint daughter? Let it slide?

I do not think this relationship can work unless she stops being defensive and is willing to put some boundaries in place for her son and willing for his half sister's father to have a reasonable degree of input into what is acceptable in the family home.

N3wd4ddy · 13/10/2019 23:16

I don’t live with her. We were seeing each other 1-2 times a week (which I think is normal for new/dating couples). Especially as We lived apx 70-80 miles apart. Since shes been pregnant/nearing full term I have been ensuring I see her minimum 2-3 days a week (I do all the travelling) and around full term date I was there non stop bar a few hours when I had to go to my house to juggle other commitments etc.

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ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 14/10/2019 07:45

Typical behaviour for 10year my 11 year is the same what isnt normal is the lack of discipline which needs to be address by the mother. Tbh the child has had a lot to contend with it's just been him and his mother all his life I assumed his father isnt on the scene. His mother starts a new relationship and is suddenly pregnant and you dont even live together but you drop in 2-3 times a week which tbh isnt alot when you're in a committed relationship and have a newborn. You both been pretty reckless getting pregnant considering the living arrangements distance and the existing child.

Beamur · 14/10/2019 07:53

Congratulations on your new baby.
Tricky situation!
I think to start with you have to accept the dynamic between mother and son and for the time being, don't interfere. She is probably very aware that the new baby coming along has affected her son and may be cutting him more slack than usual.
Some kids at 10 are kind and thoughtful, some haven't learnt those skills yet.
Given you are new on the scene here but have already made a big change, go gently.
Model the kind of behaviour you want from him and praise good behaviour, let his Mum deal with discipline for now and respect her choices.

Novembersbean · 14/10/2019 08:30

It's a little more manageable if you don't live together but will need to change if that's ever your eventual goal.

I would be telling her you will step back and respect her rules at this early stage since you don't live together so it's not a joint home, but that you will have to intervene if there is a squabble in between the kids and he does something that is clearly unacceptable. It's unlikely she will be there 100% of the time and it's unhealthy to leave you in charge of a child that may be hurting or cruel to yours and you are unable to step in to prevent it. And if he is as bad as you say to younger children, your daughter shouldn't grow up thinking nobody stepped in for her.

N3wd4ddy · 14/10/2019 10:36

Thanks for the feedback guys it is much appreciated. A lot of what you said echoes my own thoughts and that of hers. We know not living together yet isn’t ideal. But we are working on/moving towards living together. But the behaviour does scare me, at the moment I find myself stepping back which feels wrong but as mentioned necessary perhaps. She isn’t cutting him any extra slack, his discipline has apparently been this way always and she thinks his behaviour is ok and acceptable. Thus for me I can’t even be really mad at him (10 YO) as he is just behaving in a way he thinks is appropriate. I will keep working on things and see where it goes. Thanks again to all commenters

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Beamur · 14/10/2019 12:11

I think you and your girlfriend need to talk about this before you live together and find some common ground and agreed boundaries.
I am a step parent myself. Luckily my SC's were pretty well behaved, so I didn't really have any complaints.
But there is a difficult line to tread. Respecting your partner's choices is one thing, but you don't have to accept poor behaviour either. I think you have a good opportunity here though to communicate and explore how living together and parenting together will work before you actually start doing it.

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 18/10/2019 01:17

Hi I just wanted to add that this absolutely isn't normal behaviour. I have 2 DC 9 and 13 and would be horrified if they spoke to me in this way. That said, I do not have step children and obviously this kid has been through some stuff.

I do think you need to be able to discipline him but you absolutely cannot do this without the full support and back up of mum else you will find you are trapped in the middle of it all and you'll be fighting them both.

It's such a tricky time because your partner is going to be exhausted and emotional from having the baby and your SS will also be struggling. It's been him and his mum for so long and she went out and got herself 'a new family'. I suspect there will be a lot of fear in his attitude because mum is having a new baby and has a new man and he will be scared as to where he fits in. Coupled with normal teenage hormones starting to kick in this must be like a ticking time bomb.

I think maybe I would start by making him priority and talking (in his more receptive moments) about his relationship with his mum and reassuring him that he is loved and wanted and needed by you both. Emphasise his role in the new family dynamics. Perhaps showing him his new role as 'big brother' and how much you need him to be there for his mum and the baby when you aren't around. There are no easy answers but I would put money on this being about insecurity. Once the baby is a little older you can talk to his mum about boundaries but I caution you to tread carefully at this time because there will be a lot of emotions in this household soon.

My only other thought is that discipline does not have to be angry or loud. I see no harm in your saying quietly that he is disrespecting his mother and that is hurtful. Showing him his behaviour is unpleasant and unwanted can be simple demonstrations of love towards his mum whilst absolutely refusing to acknowledge the bad behaviour. Stand by her and stay calm. She still does the discipline but you show by example the way you treat others. But when he's nice, reward that. Make sure he is heard when he is calm and see if you can build a relationship with him. Remember he is a scared little boy that fears he's losing his mum. I wish you luck op

ChongADong · 18/10/2019 22:58

Typical behaviour for 10year old

Urrrr....no, it isn't.

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