Help with Teen!

[Jeddire1]

Hi All!

New to the forum so go easy on me!

Stepfather to a 15yo girl who is the worlds moodiest person despite how much you do for her or how nice you are. We haven’t spoken a word to eachother now for nearly 3 weeks after her attitude was disgusting towards me at a family wedding and for me that was the last straw.

For some background i have been in her life for 8 years (roughly) and we used to have a great relationship. Since her teen years (and especially the last couple of years), things have really deteriorated to the point where we barely speak unless she wants something. I do try to make conversation or interact but it is just met with ice cold responses that are basically her way of saying “go away”. Her and her mum will be always having little nit pick arguments about towels, washing, makeup on stuff ect.... which i suppose is all typical mother and teen daughter stuff, but I don’t pick at her at all other than to occasionally re-enforce what my wife has said, and infact i do everything for her like pay for her phone contract, buy her new school trainers, give her lifts all over over the place ect....and i guess what peeves me off is that i’m still treated as though i’m really disliked by her. I know our silence at the moment is not ideal but i guess it’s my only defence mechanism when i’ve tried lots of different approaches to parenting her and i’m still getting nowhere. I’ve even read two books on parenting teenagers taking into account the difference in generations, but it’s just like groundhog day. I’m unhappy about it, my wife is unhappy about it. I hate the atmosphere in the house and just wish we could all get on like we used to.

Anybody been through similar experience who found away to break through it. We feel as though no matter what we give out daughter she will still just be in a mood with us and hate us!

TIA.

Maybe you're trying too hard to be her dad? It sounds like you care about her and do lots for her but it might be an idea to take a bit of a step back and see what happens?

I also have a moody teen (16) and we bicker about the same things as you have mentioned. My husband (her stepdad) stays out of it. He also doesn't buy her stuff in the same way that you describe, but that could be because he has his own kids (am guessing you don't?)

Not sure if I'm being particularly helpful but teenagers can be a nightmare and it's not personal.

Is there any chance that she could be going through any personal difficulties? Anything going on at school, with friendships, boyfriends etc?

I was a very moody teenager too but I had the world on my shoulders and no one to talk to.

Same here..... i’m a DSM to a 14 year old DSD who is ‘Kevin & Perry’. Moody, monosyllabic answers, can’t be bothered talking to you (as it may drag her away from her phone which she is glued to). Despite how many times you show her how to do a simple taste (for example using a toaster..... I shit you not) she can’t (or won’t rather) use / do it.

After a 2 hour silent treatment (again) from her last weekend (while her dad was out) for my own MH i’ve decided to disengage and if her dad goes out he can take her as i’m had enough of her attitude and moods.

That means she (or her dad) can empty the bathroom bin overflowing with used sanity towels. Her clothes thrown on the floor last weekend are still on the floor (and I won’t be washing them). I’m no longer pandering to get extreme fussy eating. Oh and treats such as dinners out, days out (which I pay over half for) stop, as there’s never a thank you and most of the time her mood and attitude ruins the event for everyone.

Harsh I know but until she learns how to treat me with manners and respect then her dad can deal with her.

Leave the little madam to it.

Oh i’d stop paying for stuff for her until she learns some manners.

My wife and i have a 4yr old son who i hope won't be as bad at 15. I don't think she has any personal issues going on, has been like this for a while and although does have the odd spat with friends they are soon back laughing and joking.
She just has no respect and can't even be pleasant day to day the few times you see her out of her bedroom. She's not naughty or anything just 24/7 depressingly moody. I could give her a bag with £5k in (if i had it) and she would still be in a mood with me an hour later.
I of course don't do alot of the washing and making her food and stuff that mum does and now I can't really cancel her phone contract for another 12months without it costing me alot of money. I really do feel like washing my hands completely some times, but then i'm hit with guilt towards her and my wife and also i do truly care for her so it's difficult to think of not being part of her life again.
She hasn't tried to speak to me or apologise for 3 weeks now and i saw a text from my wife to her in which my wife told her she had been horrible to me and she just replied 'alright'
Question is do i try to make conversation again or just leave it to go on and on? Is she just testing me to see how long i can keep it up for?

I would honestly leave her be for a few days and see what happens. Also your wife should really be sitting her down for a serious chat about her behaviour.

My daughter blows hot and cold but 80% of the time she is sweetness and light. On the 20% when she's being stroppy I tell her it's not acceptable.

Why is she allowed to behave this way with no consequences? Everyone has the right to be in a bad mood, but you can separate yourself from everyone, go in your room and calm down. I wouldn't tolerate her level of disrespect for one minute.

To be honest, this is normal. Chilstems brains don't fully develop until they're in their mid twenties. They actually use a different part to regulate emotions until that point and it's not so good. If you can hold the door open. Ignore what you can and enforce what you can. Leave your wife to stick up for herself, dont reinforce unless you dsd tries to get you to pick sides.
I'd recommend reading stuff on non-violent communication as it uses non judgemental language.
I do people stuff for a living and I find it hard! My dd is 17 now and we struggled and one day a switch seemed to switch and out came this lively person, who only occasionally flares up.
Lots of deep breaths.
Remember teenagers are like toddlers that can argue back - they're so awash with hormones, changes, school and peer pressures....

*childrens!

The non violent communication is a really good way to enforce boundaries and consequences.

As a mum of twin teenage girls, they can be and are horrible, I have 2 older boys who were a walk in the path compared to my girls.
What she is showing is normal traits that although can be really disrespectful but just like a younger child they need clear, boundaries but more importantly love, you are saying that she has not spoken to you for 3 weeks but you have also not spoken to her for 3 weeks, you are the adult but are behaving in exactly the same way as her.

I hear you OP.
It's exhausting.
No advice just

I feel your pain. My SD is 17, soon to be 18. I can just about tolerate her presently. However a few years ago I completely disengaged for my own mental health and my relationship with my H. I pay nothing now and if she asks for anything that is not reasonable it’s a resounding NO! (From both of us) Teenagers will take and take if you let them. They are difficult, sulky, and generally really unpleasant people to be around. It doesn’t matter if they are your SC or not. But we are not there parents, it’s harder for us to except the bad manners I think. I reset the rules in our household during this time with my H and we stuck to them. She soon realised that we were working together and gave up the whingeing and sulking. My H felt better too as he felt less guilty saying no. We put the rules up on a wall in our house. When she started moaning we just said “ refer to the wall”.

I've been through this recently, though not quite as bad as you describe. Been in her life since she was 9, Her dad has effectively buggered off, sees him perhaps once or twice a year for maybe a couple of hours each time.

My take was to take a step back and stop trying to parent her so much, yes I had my personal boundaries on what was acceptable towards me and I'd call her on those if she crossed them but other than that I'd ignore what was going on pretty much. I did things for her if she asked respectfully and it didn't put me out but never volunteered. It actually seemed to make things better between us and we became closer (we used to be close before the teen years hit)

It allowed me to keep my sanity somewhat and recently she seems to be coming out the other side (recently turned 18) and we're getting on fine these days. She reverts to the monster about once a week but in general she's becoming a pleasant adult to be around. Once again able to have a normal conversation. It's lovely.

Stick with it, be there for her if she needs you, don't rise to provocation. Only do for her what she can muster her manners for and you'll hopefully get through it with a reasonable relationship on the other side.

Good luck

We have a dd 14 and just this weekend my dh has been quietly pulling his hair out as he's spent the last two weeks after long days at work redecorating her room moving furniture putting up shelves not to mention last weekend traipsing round diy places to get everything.
Sweetness and light while it's going on and then boom,back to stroppy and rude.

I had a harsh conversation with her on Sunday after yet another strop when I asked her to empty the dishwasher even though she spent the day putting make up on and taking it off again. Though dh would humanly combust

She's been told that if the attitude and bad manners carry on the phone will be with me and the Xbox off till she can be polite.

It's normal teenage behaviour in our house.
Older ds went through it aswel.
Dh is natural father not step father so it does t change anything.

The bit I don't know how to get out of now is the 3 weeks of not talking to eachother that we have been having without it seeming to her like a battle won as she is also purposely not talking to me.
I've been making a point (rightly or wrongly) of having nothing to do with her if she can't be nice and she's taking me up on it at the moment by equally giving me the silent treatment back.
Part of me wants to just keep on and think 'stuff you then' but then obviously the adult in me recognises that the ball is in my court really with her only being 15 and still a child. I just need ideas of breaking the ice the right way, she won't respond well to the sit down talk/lecture.

Thing is, she probably doesn't know how to get out of the not-speaking-to-each-other hole you're in either. So either you're going to have to confront it, or find some other way through. Would it work to just pretend that all was normal and try some very low key interaction? Would she watch a TV show with you? (Anything she likes watching that you could find an interest in?) Or an movie? My DH finds my 16 year old DD very difficult at times. She IS very difficult at times, but it's harder for him as he doesn't get much of the nicer, closer times that I have with her to balance things. She does appreciate money, lifts, treat food. But I'm struggling to think of many things they talk about together. Tbh, they probably both prefer talking to me without the other around :( Do tell your wife that you're keen to make things better though. It means a lot to me to know DH wants to be kind to DD and wants what's best for her, even at the times when they seem to struggle to have anything positive to say to one another. I'd second the advice given above not to wade in to arguments to back your wife up. As long as you don't undermine her at all, you can leave her to fight the battles herself. DSD will find it harder to hate her mum.

Just talk to her as normal and forget the silent treatment ever happened. I used to do this to my DM when i was her age. My parents cottoned on that if they carried on talking to me as normal it took away any imaginary power i thought i yielded in the situation.

I agree with the PP who said take a step back and let her mum be the parent. Go back to the basics.

My SD realised at a similar age that i did a lot more than her DM and she didnt know how to deal with that knowledge. I took a step back and let her set the pace of my involvement. It she asked politely and i could help i did. We are slowly getting back on track.

Sit down and talk to her, no lecture. I find apologising quite helpful. Model the behaviour you want from her.
Tell her your sorry its bern difficult, you want it to be better. What you need from her and ask what she needs from you. It's quite simple really, you have to have a conversation with her and not talk at her.

You could have been describing my son 2/3 years ago. It was hard for me, harder for my partner. It brought some tensions as he saw it that I was disciplining hard enough and that his behaviour was a result of it and that was only going to get worse. I saw it that he was a typical teenager, and that if I continued to discipline him in the way I had done so far, trusting that it was getting in, he would get out of it ok.

He now has, at 16 having started college and he is a changed boy, talkative, friendly, resilient, no outbursts, and very hard working. He doesn't go out partying, doesn't drink, or smoke, I always know where he is. Everyone says he is a delight. Not perfect of course, but all in all, I know how lucky I am.

Sadly, you'll just have to be patient, whilst continuing to show a good example. Don't assume that when you ask her to do something and she reacts as if you are asking her to walk up the moon, that she thinks it's wrong. Deep inside she knows she has to do those tasks and her annoyance although directed at you is really more directed at herself. My DS used to moan, whinge, act like I was so unreasonable when I asked him to put his clothes to dry. Now not only does he do it without a second thought, he will even put my clothes up if he's home and I'm at work.

Don't despair, there is still hope.

My Dd is exactly the same with DP. Hes been in her life since age 6. Shes 17 now. I dont know how hes still here to be honest.
Shes rude, self centred, messy, distespectful and impossible to talk to. Apparently typical teen, buts its so hard to live with. She overeacts to anything and it feels like shes looking for a fight all the time. She talks to us and treats us with comtempt.
Only nice if she wants something. Shes worse with him.
He lets it go over his head. He makes an effort to chat but gets brushed off everytime. He doesnt get involved in disciplining her but shes too old now for that. Im lucky that shes sensible and has her head screwed on or i dont know what id do.
If i were you id be the same as DP. Accept its her, not you and its normal behaviour. Treat her politely and respectfully, pull back on the favours and just kind of be in the background. Make the effort to chat but drop it when she cuts you off. We're just riding it out and hoping she comes out the other side a bit more human.
I also find that if there is the slightest bit of stress, eg falling out with friend, looking for part time job, starting college she would be horrendous with us. She was like that kid out of the exorcist when she was doing her gcses.

After 3 weeks of silence we finally exchanged the odd text message last night as her 4 way extension in her bedroom she uses for her chargers, bedside lamp ect... had stopped working the day before, and despite my wife having told her to ask me about it she seemed to not want to, so i broke cover and text her to say i had a spare one if she needed it. She said yes and would i leave it out for her, and when i text to say i'd left it where she had asked i got an 'ok thanks' text back.
Not sure if i should be apologising for giving her the silent treatment for the last few weeks or just say nothing and carry on as normal. I don't want her to think she did nothing wrong and i was to blame for it all but on the other hand i did kind of over-react to her moodswings as teens are so typically good at getting us to do.

Following your update, I wouldn’t apologise, I’d just move on and talk to her normally. Next time, don’t get into the silent treatment, just chat naturally without making a big obvious effort to engage her. Comment on stuff out of the car window or on the tv or general “how was your day?” stuff rather than anything more personal or potentially intrusive.

I agree with hello. The only thing with teens is to remember that they are still children. You have to develop a thick skin.