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Original poster

Fed up

57 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 05/10/2019 16:07

I am just having an anonymous moan - I have no one to moan to in RL today.

So fed up of being expected to be involved in everything when DSDs are here but getting my head bitten off for having an opinion.

For example. I do all the cooking, have planned meals for the weekend we have just been swimming but the girls didn’t want lunch first (they had a late breakfast at about 11am) so I suggest we get a snack.

He goes to Greg’s and gets them a fucking huge baguette each.

They are not going to want to eat again at bloody 6/7pm - so I express my perplexity and he has a huge go at me, in front of the kids.

Angry
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Witchydearest · 05/10/2019 18:30

Stitch him up. Hide all the food in the house that doesn’t require cooking. And his bank card! I feel your pain OP my H can’t cook anything, winds me right up. His excuse, “ I don’t like cooking” I don’t like it either but we will starve if I don’t do it.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2019 18:30

I agree that meal planning is important, but that doesn't mean everyone has to always eat at the same time. Make the meal, those who are ready to eat can, the rest can help themselves to the leftovers later on. If the stragglers want something else, they either make it for themselves, their parent helps them, or they go without.

Butterymuffin · 05/10/2019 18:30

Is your son or anyone else there this weekend? If not I would say you'll just sort something out for yourself for dinner then. And pour yourself that glass of wine. And breathe.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 05/10/2019 18:32

Yeah he’s just in from his Saturday job starving and we have invited my other son and my daughter round.

I get it it’s just it's chicken (and his kids make a mess in the kitchen and have put metal in the microwave 😩)

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Butterymuffin · 05/10/2019 18:41

Cook for those who want it then, and leave the others to their own devices. Don't let it spoil your time with your own kids.

HiHoToffee · 05/10/2019 18:48

You have posted quite a few similar threads, nothing will change until you do. Be selfish and just cook for you and DS, DH and his daughters can look after themselves.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 05/10/2019 19:21

I have cooked Confused

Everyone is hungry apparently ....

Argh Gin

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Windydaysuponus · 05/10/2019 19:47

You must actually enjoy being such a martyr...
Or mug if not being so polite...
Things will only change when you let them op.
Fake a sprained wrist next week end. See how he manages.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 05/10/2019 19:53

I’m not a martyr.

My husband is in the navy and I only see him on weekends. EOW we have his kids and I want them to feel welcome and feel part of the family.

He is utterly useless in the kitchen and needs instruction. Admittedly I am controlling in the kitchen as ran kitchens for years. I like cooking.

It’s fine, they all are so all good.

It’s not the food it’s just his lack of common sense sometimes like when they were little at bedtime he’d say “do you want to go to bed” at bedtime etc.

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 05/10/2019 19:53

*all ate!

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 05/10/2019 19:54

*on weekends when he isn’t deployed.

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Windydaysuponus · 05/10/2019 19:55

He is entrusted to protect his country surely he can manage to find his way round a kitchen?
Or prefers a red carpet and a waitress?

Windydaysuponus · 05/10/2019 19:56

Omg is it you who sends home cooked meals back with the dc?

TheFatberg · 05/10/2019 19:58

You're only getting as much grief on here because you're a step mum. Pretty sure if someone posted this about the father of their children, they'd get a different response.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 05/10/2019 19:59

No!

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 05/10/2019 20:13

He is entrusted to protect his country surely he can manage to find his way round a kitchen Or prefers a red carpet and a waitress

When you live on a base from aged 16 you aren’t allowed to cook in your room and you normally eat in the mess 🤷‍♀️

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AMAM8916 · 05/10/2019 21:32

Calm down about the hot chocolate. It's the weekend! You need to relax. Are you sure it's not you that's in the navy as this all sounds a little regimental.

I trained as a chef so I too cook a lot but I don't need everything to run to military precision. They woke late, had a late breakfast, had a late lunch too so when you go to get dinner ready for 6/7pm, just offer them a smaller portion than usual and they can have a little snack later if needs be.

Underminding your partner about how he does things with his own kids isn't a great way to be at all. If he was letting them run riot then yes, you'd have a point but you're on here moaning about a baguette and a hot chocolate.

Maybe you have control issues, certainly sounds like it

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 05/10/2019 22:15

No I am pretty laid back.

I just know that most kids thrive on a routine.

I don’t run a cafe.

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Firefliess · 05/10/2019 22:53

You have my sympathies. We have a house full of teenagers and I find it constantly frustrating to be cooking meals for people who aren't in, or have just snacked, or aren't yet out of bed..... But you're completely right, if you don't plan with a large family you end up with food being thrown out and everyone eating junk. And eating together as a family, when it works, is a really good thing that helps you function as a family. You can't work as a blended family if you just cook for your own kids and expect your OH to sort his own out. You'd get endless rows and tensions if some kids were eating junk the others weren't allowed.

But what to do about it? Best approach is generally to cook as planned and save any spare in pots in the fridge to be reheated later, or eaten up for lunch by whoever is in. We try to keep the evening meal as a family meal but tend to be a bit more flexible about lunches. That helps a bit.

monkeymonkey2010 · 06/10/2019 01:04

When you live on a base from aged 16 you aren’t allowed to cook in your room and you normally eat in the mess
Yea - so what's been stopping him from cooking on his weekends and holidays away from base?
Oh that's right - the women in his life who mother and pander to him.
Does he know how to use a washing machine - or is washing his manky stuff your job too?

Because he’s useless.... He annoys me because he sometimes has no clue about kids because he hasn’t bought any of his kids up
He sounds even more attractive by the second.....Hmm

I know men who served in the Army, lived on base and did several tours in their career - they were perfectly able to cook, clean (almost to an OCD level), iron like a pro AND they had really close bonds with their DC despite being away from them for large periods of time, and they were pretty awesome dads.

Your husband is just a selfish, lazy prick who can't be arsed being a parent.

MeridianB · 06/10/2019 07:28

Goddess, I have just stopped cooking completely for the entire family for a while as I was getting frustrated with the relentless planning, shopping and timing then changed plans.

I will probably whip up the odd Sunday roast when I’m in the mood but DH now has to cook for DSC and if it’s mostly pasta, pizza etc then so be it.

Now I eat when I feel like it and cook meals for my little ones and feel so much more relaxed having stepped back.

Could you plan meals for you/your children and leave your DH to cover him and his children? I know it’s a shame to not eat together at weekends but he’s not supporting you in this, so at least you and yours can get round the table and cut down on your stress, if only for a while (until he begs you for help).

Biggie123 · 06/10/2019 07:43

OP, that sounds very frustrating.
Though I’m not sure you would have more say or control of you were their mother as opposed to their step mother.
He would still show little common sense when it comes to parenting and he would still question you/have a go at you in front of them. I don’t think it’s a step-parenting related issue as in, it’s not that the kids won’t respect you it’s him.
As you mentioned, he basically doesn’t know what he is doing. And it must be hard seeing him asking the kids if they would “like” to go to bed.
I would try and talk to him. If that doesn’t work then I would emotionally step back a bit. I don’t know how old the kids are. If they are reasonable and old enough perhaps talk to them. Ie. ‘I love having you here and As a part of that I plan these meals so that we can all sit down together. It’s a way of showing you I care. I would really appreciate if you could try on te weekend not to fill yourselves up just before so that we can sit down together etc’. It doesn’t harm a child to be told of the effort being made and letting them show their appreciation. It just depends on their maturity and responsiveness. My 8 old step daughter actually responds amazingly to be spoken to like an adult.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 06/10/2019 07:52

Just chill out. They can just have snacks later. Why are you so involved in meals?

What a ridiculous question. Maybe OP does the shopping and likes to eat healthy, nutritious food that doesn’t go to waste. So when she purchases and buys food for four she doesn’t want any wasted.

I am a SP but also a parent and a human who consumes food, so I am involved in meals because I take on the majority of the household chores, inc food shopping. I like to eat nutritious food and I like my DC to eat nutrious food. It would piss me off if DH fed DC an enormous snack which prevented him eating his dinner which I had bothered to buy, cook and serve.

OP, cook food and stop accounting for SC if your DH doesn’t appreciate the effort. Let DH sort the DSS himself (then you’ll be accused of not including them and that’s a whole other threat can’t bloody win.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 06/10/2019 09:20

*I know men who served in the Army, lived on base and did several tours in their career they were perfectly able to cook, clean (almost to an OCD level), iron like a pro AND they had really close bonds with their DC despite being away from them for large periods of time, and they were pretty awesome dads

Your husband is just a selfish, lazy prick who can't be arsed being a parent*

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 06/10/2019 09:23

Your post is horrible. Why are you on a step parenting forum just to be so throughly unpleasant?

“you know” plenty of people is totally different to being a forced family actually.

Yes DH cleans and irons within an inch of his life (I don’t iron, I don’t like doing it) he is a good dad, he drives 10 hours each way EOW to have his kids. That’s pretty awesome.

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