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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Changing childrens surname

19 replies

kallwin7625 · 04/10/2019 10:39

My OH and I are talking about getting married. I have children from a previous relationship - born out of wedlock, then got married, then divorced.

I am the only parent named on their birth certificates and they currently have my surname. Ex husband has never applied for parental responsibility - I am unsure if he would have some legally as we were once married. I never changed my name after we married and I had left soon after.

For background - the childrens' father was an abusive, controlling man who made my life a misery. I ended up leaving one morning with the children after he physically attacked me. He pays no maintenance whatsoever. He got arrested for an awful matter a couple of years ago, got a suspended sentence and so has a serious criminal record. He is lazy father, although not an absent one, and I know he loves his children, even if doesn't show it in what I deem to be a proper way. He sees them a lot, although I restrict it a little as they simply sit in his flat (with a new girlfriend and his two other children), playing computer games. I do not feel he is a good role model, he is not employed (he supplements his benefits with his criminal going ons - which I should add are still going on), he has awful respect issues with women and thinks himself very superior to most around him. However, I know a childs relationship with their father is important and I have tried my best to accommodate it even though at times I do not agree with it and, in my head, done everything I can at home to ensure my children are happy and balanced. I ultimately had children with him so I must deal with it as best I can. Hard to get across when writing this!

When I get married I would like to take my husbands name. He is a caring, wonderful man who has restored my faith in relationships, and has taken on a wonderful role as step-father to my children, supporting them emotionally and financially. He really is amazing. We were discussing names the other day and he has mentioned an option of having all of us having a double barrelled name - my maiden name + his - say Williams-Jones. He suggested my children could also take this name, to give us all a semblance of unity, so my children don't feel left out, have a different name to their mum etc...

I like this idea. However I feel a little bit torn for my childrens father. I think this is an unrational feeling due to the past control - but would it be wrong to let my children take MY new surname through marriage.
In my head I argue the point that if my ex husband had been a decent man/husband this situation would never have arisen. If he had changed he would help me with maintenance/make more of an effort with the children - but he doesn't and I know he never will. I think my ex husband will be hugely against this idea - does anyone know if he would he have any legal right to stop us? He seems to take a lot of pride in himself and expects others to do the same, and I think he will see this as some kind of attack.

AIBU to change all of our surnames so that we all have the same family name going forward. I feel it is important to keep my maiden name with the children as my family are amazing and have been there for us since day one so I want to keep it with my children.

Alternatively - if I took my new husbands surname - Jones - do any of you think it would affect my children now - who have a large extended family with their name.

I know this may seem a very trivial issue to most people - I can appreciate this. Just wondering what your thoughts are on it.

Thank you x

OP posts:

Clangus00 · 04/10/2019 10:43

Why doesn't your new husband adopt the children?
If ex isn't on the BC & doesn't have PR it should be straight forward enough.
Maybe speak to a family solicitor.

Annasgirl · 04/10/2019 10:46

I know it seems to be a thing in the UK and Australia but 100 years after the suffragettes, why would a woman take her husband's name on marriage - is your own name not good enough?

Will you also have your mail addressed as Mrs. (HIs first name, his second name) ? Because that was also the tradition at the time.

Maybe83 · 04/10/2019 10:46

My dd is double barrelled my name and her fathers. When I got married I double barrelled my name.

To be honest my dd was very worried about what our names would all be. She didn't want me to be different to her and most certainly didnt want to take my dh name. Even though she loves him a great deal and her dad is flaky to say the least but he s her dad and she loves him. I dont know how old your child are but my dd was old enough to be able to tell ms what she wanted.

My joint dd has my married name only.

It's not perfect but it works for us.

PotteringAlong · 04/10/2019 10:49

Your new DH could change his name to your name, then you would all be the same?

Clangus00 · 04/10/2019 11:31

@pottering That's a pretty obvious solution that I didn't even consider! That's exactly what to do OP

Original poster

kallwin7625 · 04/10/2019 11:42

Thanks everyone - it is a really good idea! We didn't even broach it this way, having seemingly discussed EVERY other option.... Thank you, will bring it up this evening. x

OP posts:

Sultanainasalad · 04/10/2019 11:45

I think it sounds like a fab idea too, and would be really interested in hearing if your partner will go for it. In my experience even the most enlightened men are funny about the name issue

PotteringAlong · 04/10/2019 18:33

Onatreebyariver · 04/10/2019 18:39

The only obvious solution is he takes your name. There are 3 of you in the family with your name. Mum and 2 kids. So he just changes and it solves all problems.

I suspect he won’t do it. My husband thinks himself hugely progressive and equality and feminist. He drew the line at this. We got married (no kids) and I said I wouldn’t change my name. He gave a little speech about wanting us both to have the same name, and it showing we were a family and it was really important to him. I said “what a lovely sentiment. You can change to my name then”. Suddenly it was a lot less important to him, he never mentioned it again and we both kept our own names when we got married.

Hopefully your future husband is more sensible seeing as there are children involved too. You can’t change both their names when he should just change his.

Windydaysuponus · 04/10/2019 18:41

Beware of changing their name to a new dh. If you divorce your dc will have a name that isn't their dm's or df's
Ime...

swingofthings · 04/10/2019 18:45

How old are the kids? Please talk to them even if little, just adopt an age appropriate discussion before deciding on anything.

My mum did what you want to do and I hated it. Not because it was her name vs my dad, but because it was MY name that she wanted to change. I went along with it because I didn't want to upset her, but when I turned 16, I made the decision to take MY name back.

They have to be 100% happy with this decision, and ideally really, it should come from them.

Wallywobbles · 04/10/2019 19:04

My husband took my name on - double barreled. And my kids have also taken on my maiden name added to their Dads. So we now all have slightly different names but a common element.

Firefliess · 05/10/2019 23:06

Do you have much contact with your ex's wider family? I just ask because I don't think my ex would have cared too much if I'd changed our DCs' surnames when I married my DH. But his parents would have been really hurt and upset. They'd have seen it as losing their grandchildren.

Clangus00 · 06/10/2019 09:05

@Firefliess the children here have their mother’s surname.

FrivolousPancake · 06/10/2019 09:11

I think this would be madness
I would never change DDs name to the name of a man I was marrying, if it was such a big deal he could change to our name as there’s two of us and one of him.

ArnoldBee · 06/10/2019 09:12

One thing to consider with if your children change their name is that you will be burdening with having to prove their previous name and name change all the time. It's a pain.

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/10/2019 16:44

So much easier for him to change to yours or double barrel to yours. If he doesn't want to that's his choice but no way would I burden my children with a name of a man they aren't related to. Your name is perfectly valid for them.

readitandwept · 06/10/2019 17:41

He's changes his. And if he won't, then you certainly don't change the kids name to his. There is not guarantee he will be in their lives forever, so why should they take the name of a man who won't sacrifice his for them.

Bellringer · 10/10/2019 19:08

Assuming your ex husband is dc father? But you and dc have your original name? He would have or easily get pr. you would need his permission to change their name. If he has any contact it's a bad idea, that's their identity, please don't do it. Don t let your new partner be daddy. He will be step father, that's enough. Unusual these days to adopt step children, guardianship is more usual and better for dc but probably doesn't apply if their dad is around.
You can both have double barrel name or he can take yours (which is theirs but not their fathers?). It's not a little cosmetic thing for them. Your new dp is encroaching. Watch out for that. How old are dc. How long have you known this new partner?

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