Chores, how do i get rid of the drama?

[ohdamnit]

My DP moved in at the beginning of the year, followed fairly soon after by his 12 year old DS and 13 year old DD who live with us full time (maybe 5 nights in total with their mum since March). I don't have any kids so it's just the four of us, we all get on really well most of the time but not when I ask the kids to help around the house, l have asked them each to wash up once a week and keep their bedroom reasonably tidy which I think is not a lot at all, they seem to think it is totally unreasonable, the 12 year old has just had a complete melt down with shouting and tears because he hates washing up and it's not fair that he has to do it. The 13 year old also makes a big fuss though she usually just sulks. My DP often works late so misses the drama but completly backs me up and has explained to both that it is a small contribution to the household. I don't want to give in to them as I think it is important that they learn some skills to contribute to their home, but I don't want to get angry with them, I accept that no one wants to wash up but when I've asked them to do something else instead I get the same response. When living with their mum they didn't do any chores so it is a shock to their system, how do you get your step children or partners children to do chores around the house without all the drama.

Write a list of the jobs that need doing, remind them everyone in the household needs to pull together as it’s not a hotel, then ask them to pick the ones they’d rather do if washing up is particularly awful.

They’ve had a lot of change so don’t expect things to happen quickly. If they’ve never had to do anything like this they obviously won’t take kindly to it and you being the one to ask/tell them isn’t helping.

You’re right that they should be pitching in but starting at their ages isn’t easy and loads of 12 year olds are resistant to housework - of course they are, there are plenty of more interesting things to do.

My DSC are younger so we don’t make a thing of it and I find asking for something to be done in a tone that makes clear it’s the most reasonable thing in the world and not a favour does the job. “Dinner’s nearly ready, plates are in the cupboard, please go lay the table so we can eat straight away”. “I’m putting a wash on in 5 minutes, go get your bedding and any dirty clothes so we can have them washed and dried for bed and we’ll go to the park in 10”. The same approach probably won’t work in your situation so that’s not very helpful but all I can offer is that if you asked mine if they have chores they’d probably say they don’t because there are things that we all just do which keep the place running. They’re not perfect by any means but if there’s back chat we remind them everyone has to pull their weight and while DH doesn’t adore mowing the lawn and cooking pasta all the time, and I don’t worship endless laundry etc but we want us all to live in a cleanish pleasant home and that requires a team effort.

It sounds like it’s got a bit dramatic and chores are a flash point so try and take the emotion out of it, calmly reiterate everyone plays their part and see if choosing jobs so they have more of an input helps.

Their dad should take the lead but if he’s not around much it’s tough.

You have to demand your partner deal with his children. It's his responsibility to make sure they do as their told. If he refuses to discipline them it will take a huge toll on your relationship. Do you imagine yourself living this way for years to come?

If you want them to wash up once a week can you make that on a day that DP is home so he can be the one asking them to do it and dealing with the resulting tantrums? It’s completely unfair to leave that to you. Same with their rooms. He can check them periodically and get them to tidy/clean as needed.

All that being said it sounds like you’re doing an awful lot of parenting for these teens. It’s your DP that should be stepping up. It sounds like you’ve had to change a lot of your life - cooking dinners, washing up & I'm guessing other extra duties as he’s often home late. Has he adapted at all or just had them come live in your house full time knowing you’ll pick up all the slack?