SCs obsession with money

[Mclibby]

My partner and I have a new home that we are doing up and we've been working and saving hard to buy furniture etc. We have 1 DS and my partner has 2 DCs who stay often.

The SCs both have an obsession with money, they want to know how much everything costs, how can we afford this and that. One told me recently "we can't go on holiday because you bought a new house". They are always asking for money too, even though they seem a bit young to me for wanting cash (10 and 7).

It's got to the point where my partner lies to his children about money, saying things were free or second hand. For some reason this really bugs me. I feel he's telling them we don't deserve new things and it also means they aren't taking care of the items we have bought for our house.

I just want any talk of money to stop. It's never ending and feels really sleazy and materialistic.

Any thoughts what on earth is going on here?

The mother is obviously saying stuff to them at home and asking about your purchases.

It may not be from the mum.

I think my dc have said similar to my ex. I don't discuss things with them and always say that that's adult stuff and they don't need to know but.....

....they see the difference in lifestyle.

When they were younger they thought he was poor (he did foster that idea, despite earning 5x what I do!). But in recent years they've realised his lifestyle means he's got a bit of spare cash, whereas we have to be careful with what we've got.

Even so....it's none of their business. I still tell them the same thing. Maybe that would work for you?

My dc one told me "Dad says you wipe your bum with £50 notes" and another time ex had said "so that's what my money gets spent on" when he heard DS was getting new trainers.

So, if it's coming from the mum, I'd be surprised the kids, especially the youngest, hadn't said something pinpointing to exactly that.

It's a difficult one!

If it was my own kids then I would let them know how much things cost as it's important to learn the worth of things.

I grew up in a well off family that were are still are absolutely silent and awkward around the subject of money. I remember asking about budgeting etc and was told off. This has not worked out well for me!

As it's your SC though I would be wary. You know it will go back to their mum and possibly she will have the difficulty of
either admitting that she can't afford the same (If she can't) or become resentful of her ex's life. None of which are fair!

I used to have to say to DD that I couldn't afford something - and when she asked 'can you get the money off Daddy?' rather than tell her that he would far rather spend it on holidays, going out, having a fourth vehicle for weekend activities/motorsports and buying a house with his girlfriend/originally OW because he saw buying his daughter new shoes or paying for an activity he didn't think was posh enough was a waste of his valuable money, I'd say things like 'well, Daddy has to pay bills too, he's just bought a house with [her name] and that's very expensive'.

I was trying to stop her realising what a financially abusive prick he was (the girlfriend eventually found it out - at least I'd never trusted his financial management enough to blend my finances with his, so I wasn't lumbered with £82,000 of his debt like she was).

But DD did work it out when she'd go there and see he'd bought something else non essential, said he wasn't available for contact due to work and she'd see the photos of him sailboarding or racing at the IoM TT for his birthday.

Kids perceptions of monies are weird.
To my eldest because we do not live in a large house and have a range rover - he perceives us as poor and life is hard! I earn more than 80% of his classmates fathers where there is a high pre ponderance of SAHMs!

He is now helping me do my accounts - sorting out receipts, etc for my tax returns and has now watched rich house poor house! I have no qualms about telling him things cost too much and making him work out if 2 for 1 is worth it.

He now gets we are well well off but the concept of that still needs working on - he is 12! However, I am pleased as when I send him off to get cheese and he ahs worked out the price per Kg adn not the flash sale price and got it right.

You have to teach kids the value of money - it is not innate.

My DSD has an obsession with this and still does to this day to an extent. It fully came from her mum, "mum says you you spend too much money on yourself which is why we can't afford to go to X". "Mum says now you've got a new girlfriend she should be spending money on us as well because you both have more of it" etc.

Interestingly my DSS is the most lovely, kind, sharing kid in the world. If I give him a new football he behaves as though I've just handed him a cheque for a million quid, and if he opened even so much as a bag of crisps he'd offer me one before he takes one out of the bag.

DSD has a very unhealthy relationship with money. She's demanding, entitled and very selfish. Every time we put food on the table she checks to see if anyone has more than her, she goes nuts if we go out and anyone orders the more expensive meal on the menu and she obsesses still about how much anything we buy has cost.

I have no idea how the two of them are so different but we've tried both tactics over the years. Answering every question or avoiding them. Neither worked. It's just the way she is I think.

My ex dp's kids were also obsessed with money & yes, it came from their dm & her attitude to money which was one of whatever dp had was hers/theirs, even post separation/divorce. Therefore if she ran out of money through bad management it was dp's fault & if she couldn't afford something it was because dp had "stopped supporting his family". All this despite a very generous divorce settlement & huge weekly maintenance for all 3 kids.
Personally from my own experience I think the conversation that needs to be had around this stuff (& it's always what I did with my own dc) is that:
mum & dads money are now separate because mum & dad are no longer a financial unit.
Mum spends her money how she sees fit & dad spends his money how he sees fit.
Sometimes mum will have a bit more spare cash & sometimes dad will have a bit more spare cash - it depends on circumstances at any given point in time.
As kids spend most of their time with mum, dad gives me a set amount of money every week as his contribution to the kids day to day living expenses.
I also told my lot that their dad puts their maintenance into an account that I only use for them & that I match that money every week & that's what pays for their stuff & that household/personal stuff for dp & I (when we were together) was in a separate account & that was OUR money to do with as we wished.
I think explaining financial boundaries post divorce to kids is just as important as explaining other boundaries.

My kids had no idea about money at that age so presumably it has all come from their mum.

Did you not take them on holiday this year because you’d bought the new house though-is that true?

There was never a promise of a holiday, they just came out with it a week or 2 after we'd moved in. We didn't actually end up going away this summer but more because I just started a new contract and was super busy with work (and DS wasn't sleeping well). They don't get to see that part of our lives much during the week so I guess they assume we have all the time and money we like to do things. I think they'd be shocked to see the harsh reality of commuting and working long hours. I feel too knacked most of the time to even go on holiday!

Does their dad not ever take them on holiday?

He has done quite a few ad-hoc, weekends away in the past. Only once a big summer holiday as far as I know. There should be no expectation though, we arent in any way wealthy enough to have big holidays every year, new house or not.

I guess this is what is so odd about it. On the one hand they do seem to expect big holidays and lots of gifts and money... And then minutes later they'll be looking anxious and commenting because we've spent some money on groceries or we've bought some DIY tools for example. If it's not directly for them they are very money conscious.

That sounds like they're used to seeing their mum have to be careful with money for day to day spending.

That does all seem very odd. Like I said, there’s being curious about money as a child. But your dscs seem to be a bit beyond that. If they’re getting anxious about you buying groceries then that’s not normal.

Could it be that they think the food shop will mean they won’t get a holiday/gifts? I’m sorry but I do think their mum is playing a part somewhere in this. You’re entitled to stock up your cupboards and fridge.

There should be no expectation though, we arent in any way wealthy enough to have big holidays every year, new house or not.

I wasn’t thinking a big expensive holiday-more a cheap week camping or in a caravan.

Like I said, it was more about taking time off work this year and being ridiculously tired with a newish baby. I'm sure next year we'll do something like that. I just hate the entitlement of it. Kind of takes the joy out of it. Same with daily life. I'm scared to take cash out of my purse for the parking meter sometimes because I know I'll have to hear requests and comments about money for the next hour. Same if we receive change back at the checkout. If they weren't so obsessed it would be nice to give them the change sometimes for their savings but their attitude takes all the joy out of it and its also really embarrassing in the shops!

For us it is dss mother who wants the information. She knows what dp earns (thanks cms) but assumes i earn a lot morr than i actually do and think shes entitled to it.

We get a lot of "who paid for that" "how much was that" "how did you afford x and y in the same month" from dss who is 15 and should know better.

Funnily enough at the start of our relationship all we got was "daddy is buying holiday this" "daddy bought holiday a house and a car" even though i have always worked!

Now shes realised i earn alright money shes trying to extort it out of me as well, via dss.

Its awkward. All we ever say is "its rude to ask" or "we jointly paid for it" which is always true anyway.

Dss also asked for a holiday to japan next year because "flights are only 2k each"

I will be teaching ds as soon as hes old enough about money etc because i cba with another entitled teenager!

Its actually one of the reasons my H and I are not married. We’ve been together 15 years next feb. My SD used to be the same, questioning me all the time. In the end I’d just say it’s my money I’ll spend it how I like.

Sounds like their mother tells them to get as much as they can out of their father on every visit. She probably quizzes them on return each visit.

I agree with @choli to a degree. We picked up on some very pointed questions every visit, regardless of the fact that my income brought the significant contribution to the house.

Eventually we started saying "oh yes, Dolly paid for that" because it removed the line of questioning a bit. it was hard work though