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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

SCs obsession with money

46 replies

Mclibby · 03/10/2019 14:06

My partner and I have a new home that we are doing up and we've been working and saving hard to buy furniture etc. We have 1 DS and my partner has 2 DCs who stay often.

The SCs both have an obsession with money, they want to know how much everything costs, how can we afford this and that. One told me recently "we can't go on holiday because you bought a new house". They are always asking for money too, even though they seem a bit young to me for wanting cash (10 and 7).

It's got to the point where my partner lies to his children about money, saying things were free or second hand. For some reason this really bugs me. I feel he's telling them we don't deserve new things and it also means they aren't taking care of the items we have bought for our house.

I just want any talk of money to stop. It's never ending and feels really sleazy and materialistic.

Any thoughts what on earth is going on here?

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 03/10/2019 14:08

It sounds like they have heard things from their Mum. Don't lie to them though. Just say "It's rude to ask what something cost" and repeat...over and over again. They will tire of asking.

Regarding them asking for money, give them jobs and pay them a set amount.

Teddybear45 · 03/10/2019 14:12

It’s normal at this age for kids to start thinking about money and the cost of things, and you are doing them a disservice by not explaining that (and how) you save for things to be able to afford the house AND take them on fun outings. Suggest paying them a small amount for certain chores and explain that saving them up will mean they can afford something big later. I agree their mum or someone in their other family is putting ideas in their head but you can overturn them.

randomusername · 03/10/2019 14:15

Their mother probably has a lower income from you and are told that they can't afford something they want. They're just trying to process you are richer than they are

lunar1 · 03/10/2019 15:04

I talk to my children about the cost of things all the time. How else will they learn about budgeting, saving and looking after things? I've told my children before that we were having a short holiday in the uk because we'd had to do repairs on the house that year which were expensive.

I want them to grow up appreciating the value of things.

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/10/2019 15:10

we can't go on holiday because you bought a new house

I would have pointed out that one doesn’t necessarily correlate with the other.

What you do with your money is one thing and what his mother does is another.

Personally I would go the other way and say things cost thousands.

HugoSpritz · 03/10/2019 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stuffedpeppers · 03/10/2019 15:48

They are trying to process you are richer than they are - NO - they are part of that family as well, so the wealth or lack there of is also theirs, as is their mothers poverty.
It is alot to process when young - I teach my children the value of money, they know the price of things and know how ot look supermarket bargains and see if it is a good deal - Aged 8-12!

Witchydearest · 03/10/2019 16:17

we can't go on holiday because you bought a new house - my SD said stuff like this. In my case it was from BM.
Tell them it’s bad manners and swiftly move on.

Original poster

Mclibby · 03/10/2019 16:27

Thanks for everyone's thoughts on this. It could easily be from their mother but not sure what she could be hoping to achieve. It's just making the kids really materialistic. Apart from spending on the house renovation recently we tend to live pretty minimalist lives. Experiences over buying stuff. The attitudes to money in the two houses are really clashing but my OH won't address it.

OP posts:

LizzyBennett · 03/10/2019 16:28

I'm a RP not a SM but my DC went through a phase like this at about the same age - it didn't come from their other parent, but it was around the time that they were starting to realise that there wasn't endless money around.

Honestly - it was so frustrating but just a phase that they went through. Just keep repeating that its rude to ask how much something costs, parrot like, until they get bored.

(Once my DS, when told that he couldn't have a new XBOX the very second his old one died, suggested that if I spent less on flowers then it wouldn't be a problem. How he didn't get my £1 bunch of daffs shoved up his bum, I still don't know)

Bloomburger · 03/10/2019 16:30

Just say very very bluntly that your finances are none of their business.

Johntorrodeismydad · 03/10/2019 16:30

I have this with my SC. I know it comes direct from their mother who is always pleading poverty despite the fact she doesn't work and easily could. She tells them that living with her is the 'real life' where she has to pay for living expenses and dad and 'John' get to do all the nice stuff with all their money. It's total bollocks, she gets all her money from my husband. He's equally to blame for enabling her.

Sorry I don't seem to have any advice. Never be a step parent, but it's a bit late for that.

swingofthings · 03/10/2019 16:40

My DS used to ask me how much things cost all the time and was fascinated with money from a young age. We used to talk regularly about money and budget because as Lunar said, how do they learn otherwise.

As it turned out, he is now studying finance and accounting.

Why always assuming that if kids are interested in money it has to be because of their mother telling them sob stories that she can't afford things when their father has plenty for his new family. It might be true in some cases but not all.

slipperywhensparticus · 03/10/2019 16:44

Well it sounds like they have made a few leaps I'm assuming dad still pays child support and hasnt cut it recently or anything....dad might need to have a chat and explain that him buying a house has nothing to do with mom not taking them on holiday

catsmother · 03/10/2019 16:56

We used to get this too - particularly when we'd declined a request for stuff or fun on the basis of affordability. On one memorable occasion my eldest SC had a god almighty tantrum at the age of 10 or 11 because we'd said no to an impromptu theme park trip, though apparently we had 'enough money for new cutlery' (cheap plastic handled in Tesco's sale for £5!). Anything new was always remarked upon with a raised eyebrow ... from kids FFS. I found it so rude and intrusive.

Of course this attitude was encouraged by their mother who relentlessly complained about money. Hand on heart I can say we were as generous as we possibly could be, paid well over legal minimum and their lifestyle was considerably better than ours. I guess she wanted even more. My partner did just about remonstrate with his kids in a softly softly fashion but, as is common, wasn't as firm as he should have been, fearing loss of contact should they be 'upset'. And that's key to something like this really .... firm but fair parenting and clear boundaries regarding expected standards of behaviour. Something too many non resident dads (usually) fail to deliver. I can't offer any other advice unfortunately other than echoing what @Johntorrodeismydad said. It's horrible to live under a microscope like that for sure.

catsmother · 03/10/2019 17:01

I agree btw that kids get interested in money and it's sensible they learn its value. But being regularly challenged about very ordinary purchases in an accusatory tone, or asked why we said we had no money if we could afford particular brands of shower gel, or being told by a child that we didn't need something we'd bought certainly wasn't within the normal range of innocent financial curiosity.

Witchydearest · 03/10/2019 17:16

@LizzyBennett @Johntorrodeismydad Omg hilarious posts. Made me lmao

readitandwept · 03/10/2019 17:23

The DC didn't say "we can't go on holiday with mum because you bought a new houses". Just that they can't go on holiday.

Do they usually get away on holiday with your DH, OP? Or is it usually only mum who takes them?

If they did mean with mum, then did you clarify what they meant and explain that dad is contributing the same as he always had, and that the two issues aren't connected? Assuming of course that he is?

pikapikachu · 03/10/2019 17:28

I think it's common.

I split up from my ex 7 years ago and have kids who are now 16 and 13. I've overheard them discussing if their Dad has money or not. On one hand he lives in a smaller property in a rougher place but on the other he has a lot of holidays and buys his groceries from M&S. I've told the kids that I haven't a clue as our finances aren't joint any more but they are confused how he seems skint and flush at the same time. I live in a bigger house in a nicer area for the schools and because this is their main home. I shop at Aldi and don't holiday regularly like their Dad.

Personally I'd say that holiday (with mum) isn't linked to Dad's house as finances are separate. It would be good for Dad to ask the boys to stop asking so much about money. It's rude and makes them look like gold diggers (which will hopefully put them off asking so much) Not talking about money at all isn't healthy either but it doesn't hurt to know what jobs you and your h do that enables home improvements etc so they know what to aim for when older. In early secondary school my kids had to look up how much the jobs that they were thinking of doing paid and Ds was surprised how different jobs varied so much. He assumed that doctor and lawyer would be top of the pile but there were a lot of jobs which surprised him too.

Willydish · 03/10/2019 17:41

I'm sort of in between on this one: on the one hand it's useful for children to learn the value of things as a life skill, to develop gratitude and a value for working hard and taking care of possessions. I guess I feel this applies more to things relevant to them - food, treats, household items relevant to them etc.
Other things, I feel a bit more traditional about. I remember as a child my Dad would put me in my place if I tried to nosey how much money he was getting out of the bank (this was in the 90's). He was old school and thought some things just weren't for kids to be knowing about. I guess big things like the cost of the new house and holidays I'm inclined to agree with him on. It's not really for kids to worry or get hung up on. It's just my opinion but I think children challenging adults on household finance is a bit much so I can understand your frustration at being pulled up on what's going by children.

It just be frustrating as I'm inclined to feel it's not really their business xx

Original poster

Mclibby · 03/10/2019 17:44

SC definitely meant holiday with us as he actually said the name of the place we went to last year. Their life at their mother's house should be completely unaffected.

It just feels that they expect us to live in a hovel so we can buy them stuff. They do it to their grandparents too so it's not just us!

OP posts:

RebootYourEngine · 03/10/2019 17:44

I don't think this in inclusive to just kids whose parents aren't together.

They may have been discussing this at school for example and are now interested in it. How well do you and ds' mum get on? Could you enquire whether they do the same at her house?

Kids should be encouraged to take an interest in money because then they are more likely to understand money better.

funinthesun19 · 03/10/2019 18:03

They could be taking an interest in money and starting to understand the value of things, which is good. They could just be questioning mathematical problems relating to money.

But equally so, they could be parroting stuff their mum has been saying about the things you spend your money on. The SC might only have an obsession with your finances because their mum has an obsession with your finances.

If they’re always questioning you about the things you spend your money on then that’s a bit beyond children just being interested in money.

readitandwept · 03/10/2019 18:04

So no confirmed link to the mum, maintenance, or her holiday with them. Purely about your family holiday and new home. But so many on here quick to directly blame their mother or project based on their own experiences.

pikapikachu · 03/10/2019 18:09

It just feels that they expect us to live in a hovel so we can buy them stuff. They do it to their grandparents too so it's not just us!

Before their father met you, was he a Disney Dad who was constantly buying stuff for the sake of it? In which case their Dad and grandparents are at fault here. They've created a dynamic where spending money= proof that someone cares.

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