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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Having my first child with my OH who already has 3

20 replies

Bean2020 · 27/09/2019 12:11

I love my partner & step kids unconditionally. But since being pregnant with my (our) first, I can't help certain feelings of resentment toward him having done all of this before, and somehow it not feeling as special as i'd expected (24/7 sickness not helping that either!) I know that it is my issue and I need to positively reframe the situation, and look ahead rather than behind, but I wondered if anyone else is going through/has been through this situation, as any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Novembersbean · 27/09/2019 12:21

How is your partner acting about the pregnancy? Is he giving you cause to feel this way?

I do know where you're coming from, btw.

Original poster

Bean2020 · 27/09/2019 12:26

He has been very loving & supportive but also he is naturally quite a practical person. So he's just not the sort to be overly excitable, but I can't help wonder if that's because its not as special to him as his previous 3? He assures me this is not the case, perhaps it's just my hormones making me overly sensitive?
How are you doing in your situ?

OP posts:

Drabarni · 27/09/2019 12:39

I think when you've already done that, been there it's a lot less daunting.
Part of the excitement is the unknown, which it isn't to him. It doesn't mean he won't love this one as much as his others.

Robin2323 · 27/09/2019 12:54

When I had my youngest son - dp's 3rd son he cried at the berth.
It's nice having someone with experience as they don't get so fazed.
Good luck

Novembersbean · 27/09/2019 13:10

I had the same worry as you, I think it's a hard thing to come to terms with because deep down you want this to be one of the most special experiences you share together as a couple and it feels like you've lost that opportunity before you even met. I thought about this a lot and it did used to make me very sad.

In my situation, it was really more comments from other people that got me feeling that way - particularly on his side of the family or friends that knew of his son. Even to this day my MIL seems much more bothered by my SS than her other three grandkids (he was the PFB) and it does put me off bonding with her tbh. It doesn't help that the way a lot of people seem to be with second borns vs their PFB is a massive bug bear of mine anyway from being a second born myself.

Despite how much outside forces have annoyed me on the matter, my partner has made it clear to me that of course it's as special to him. He had his first child when he was too young and naive, with the wrong person and believing having a kid would patch up the huge holes in their relationship. In reality of course it made it far worse, they had completely different views on how to raise a kid and she felt what she said went so he didn't really have that "magical" experience of raising a child in the slightest. He loves his son, but the experience was all wrong.

A lot of that does have to do with the circumstances of how the first child came about but the bottom line is for whatever reason the relationship with the mother has broken down or never existed - he is now having a child with the woman he loves and gets to experience parenting without the complications and guilt of a separation, so of course it will be special to him, if he is a decent person. If he says it is, he's probably telling the truth.

Anuta77 · 27/09/2019 14:58

If he's loving and supportive, conentrate on that, not on what you don't have, because you can not change it.
My DP had 3 kids and they were more excited about the baby than him. He's not very expressive and was doing everything except thinking about the future baby (like buying things, etc.). But he was working hard on the house, so maybe that was his way of getting ready for the baby.
Anyway, he was very supportive during birth (all his other kids were born by c-section, so this was his first experience). Not so supportive after (continued working on the house). But he loves our son. Of course, his 3 other kids who don't live with him get more individual attention when he goes to visit them than our toddler who lives with him and thus, is in a way taken for granted (i.e. I'm the main caretaker). I was dissapointed, but I just sucked it up. It's me who wanted the baby and I'm happy to have him.

YouJustDoYou · 27/09/2019 15:03

It'll just be different for him, not less "special".

Witchydearest · 27/09/2019 17:36

I actually found it reassuring he had done it before. My H had a better experience the second time around too as there were feelings there that weren’t present the first time around for him. His first child’s birth was indeed special and unique but his second was more calm and loving.

stuffedpeppers · 27/09/2019 22:11

Witchy - what an absolutely vile thing to say. You really do not know how the birth of his first was and what he says now in a second relationship are not necessarily how he felt then.

If you are into competitive birthing and making it better than before, I pity your step child because your smugness will come out.

Witchydearest · 27/09/2019 23:56

@stuffedpeppers actually I do. It’s a very sad story. His wife was having an affair and he didn’t know if his DD was even his. The relationship was abusive and unstable. He was and is a wonderful man. But they were unfortunately due to his EXWs actions very different. Please don’t make assumptions, there is nothing vile in my comments just the sad truth. I also pity my step child so we agree there.

Witchydearest · 28/09/2019 00:50

Smugness is out and proud baby!

swingofthings · 28/09/2019 07:25

each pregnancy, each child is special. It is the same when you are pregnant for the second time and you make yourself feel miserable wondering how you will be able to love your second child as much as the first.

At the same time, it is true that as you have children, you gain a level of experience that means that you don't get as excited, or worried the more children you have. This makes a great balance though.

Ultimately, you'll never be in the same stage of life when it comes to kids, but then you are yourself not at the same stage than a new mum who doesn't have step children either. You'll find yourself focusing both on your child coming to an already set family, whilst also focusing on the fact that it is your first child. You can incorporate both in your feelings.

Mummybunnyz · 28/09/2019 08:01

Bean I had a friend with the exact same issue. As said above, Part of the excitement is the unknown. He will be very excited Im sure - you also need to remember your hormones will be going crazy. Either way it' a special experience and it'll all get brighter! Stick in there :)

stuffedpeppers · 29/09/2019 15:31

But the child is his and for that child to hear that their father rates his other child birth better than hers - would be soul destroying,
Stick you smugness in a cupboard and think of his daughter who does not need to know anything about it.

Novembersbean · 29/09/2019 15:37

Stuffedpeppers the child will probably never know that, but it doesn't stop the adult having private feelings. It's not surprising that if a man was in a relationship that was already deeply wrong for them or went on to break down to the extent that they strongly dislike their ex, that they would have more fond feelings about an experience shared with the person they actually love now. It's not about how much they love the child, but the experience and memories will be more treasured when shared with someone they still love. A birth is as much to do with your connection to the other person as the child, the relationship you go on to have with the child when they become an independent, functioning person is different.

Witchydearest · 29/09/2019 16:53

Well I assume your not going to tell her?!? And your confusing smugness with fact.

RainMinusBow · 29/09/2019 17:04

My situation is kind of the opposite of yours as I'm pregnant (v early on) with my third child but it will be fiancé''s first.
We did have a bit of a...err..."debate" the other day as he was complaining he was tired and I said he doesn't know the tiredness a baby brings. It wasn't the most tactful of things to say and now I tread a bit more carefully.

We won't tell anybody until the 12 week scan and I am worried that my 9 and 12 yo's are not going to be amused. I'm also a bit worried about how fiancé's ex-wife (a lovely woman who is friends with both of us) is going to be with it as she suffered from infertility and has no biological children.

Butteflyone1 · 30/09/2019 14:44

It's interesting to read these comments as (hopefully) next year I'll be in the same position.

It's so difficult knowing they've 'been there, done that' before but they haven't done it with you (me) before so that's what I hold on to.

It can be a good thing that they have experience but I doubt very much they are comparing the current situation to the past. I just think guys don't generally think like that which is good in this instance.

I hope the pregnancy goes well. How have the children taken the news? That's the part I'm most worried about, upsetting the little ones.

Teddybear45 · 01/10/2019 12:05

He has 3 kids before, so I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect him to have the same feelings and anxieties that you would as a first time mum. However if he’s supporting you then what’s the problem?

Also, You chose to have kids with him knowing he has kids already so there may be plenty of things he wouldn’t be able to do for you that a first time dad might have had the time and energy to do. For example he may need to take care of his kids during or immediately after the birth etc or might be unable to take as much holiday. If you keep up with the competitive parenting only you’ll end up losing.

Longlongsummer · 01/10/2019 22:25

My DH was like this, not particularly excited about our child, pregnancy etc. I was very disappointed as I had an older child too but I was excited to have a child with him.

However now our child is getting older he’s become besotted. His kids were really pulling on his strings I think as teenagers, while our child was a baby, so the baby got ignored except as an occasional play thing. However his kids became adults as stopped being around, into their own boyfriends far more than him.

So he’s started to wake up and see this beautiful young child who still needs him. It will happen.

Even though our child is very strongly attached to me, because as well as main carer I gave him way more attention! But that’s his loss and my gain!

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