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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Fed up of being a butler/personal chef/cleaner

24 replies

Franklymydearidontgiveadam · 25/09/2019 13:22

Please don't flame me but I'm at the end of my tether...

I used to absolutely adore my stepkids and I've always thought of them as my own. I still go out of my way to treat them, buty extra clothes and goodies etc....but I'm very slowly starting to get really down.

I'm a step parent to Dss 14 and Dss 16 who we have every weekend (Fri to Sunday)

It never used to be so bad but they treat me like everything in the subject title. DH is too soft with them and says he will do it all etc but I've tried that before and it never happens. If I don't tell Dss to eat or drink he forgets as he is so obsessed with his xbox. He leaves litter everywhere for me to clean despite telling him a the time to tidy. They are really fussy/junk food eaters so meal times is a pain as I'm cooking so many different meals. They won't eat fruit or veg at all, despite trying to hide it via puree in sauces etc. They literally come down to eat, won't talk to me, won't say please or thank you and just walk out after eating.

I'm Currently working 45hrs a week while also going to night college so I'm pretty tired in general.

They are with us during the next half-term while their mum is away with her DP and DD, Dss didn't want to go as he openly said he won't be as he won't be able to go on his xbox the entire holiday and hates beaches, swimming pools etc.
So for 11 days as its Inc the two weekends.

I'm dreading it, as this happened last year. I came home to pots everywhere. The bathroom was messy via DD leaving damp towels on the floor etc. Coming home having to clean up, cook etc.

I need to find a way to just get through it while not blowing my top. I know they aren't teens forever but it's not fair I get treated like utter shit when they aren't even my own kids.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TwentyEight12 · 25/09/2019 13:35

Oh My God.

Just stop.

Just STOP right now.

You pick up the phone and you find a cleaner. You tell DH how much the cleaner is and you book the cleaner to come in on the Monday after the boys have been. Every Monday after the boys have been the cleaner comes to clean up their mess.

Stop cooking for them. If all they eat is junk, buy microwave meals that they can either eat from the dish they come in or can be put onto a single plate and eaten from that. Or DH takes them out for a burger or whatever cheap junk food they are in to.

Sorted.

Original poster

Franklymydearidontgiveadam · 25/09/2019 13:45

Thank you pp, I might just do that and go back to basics. Micro meals it is.

I'm actually shaking actually finally writing this down and getting it off my chest. My own stepmother was horrible to me and I vowed that no matter what, if any took on any DSC I'd never make them feel the mental pain she put me through.

I meant Dss and Dsd BTw. I don't want to wish their teen years away but by gosh it's hard work. Xx

OP posts:

LadyBrienneofTarth · 25/09/2019 13:49

I'm wondering whether this isn't about the step bit abs more about then being teenagers - my solution with my teens is clear rules, clear consequences as well as some empowerment

LadyBrienneofTarth · 25/09/2019 13:53

And stop cooking - at their age they should be able to make meals - I showed mine some basic stuff in the kitchen (ie pasta and salad), had them cone shopping with me (if the come they can put whatever they want in the trolley) and then said "over to you - make sure you clean up after yourself"

TwentyEight12 · 25/09/2019 13:57

My own stepmother was horrible to me and I vowed that no matter what, if any took on any DSC I'd never make them feel the mental pain she put me through.

You are not being horrible. You are giving them what they want to eat, rather than working yourself into a frenzy by concocting a list of ways to get them to eat properly which they couldn’t give a toss about! It will no doubt change when they are older and find that taking girls on dates to McDonalds and the like, doesn’t get them the girl or that business lunches don’t involve trips to KFC.

DH isn’t pulling his weight and nor are his sons, so a cleaner it is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2019 14:30

Oh dear. None of this should be your job. Hiding veg for two teenagers?! Nope. Giving lifts to ungrateful kids? No way, stop that right now and get their dad to ferry them around. Mess? Some on inevitable but fuck no to wet towels on the floor. Dump them on their beds if they’re getting in your way.

There is clear blue water between being a horrible mean step parent and being a doormat. You’re firmly in doormat territory and you’re not helping yourself by running yourself ragged doing everything in the house while working a long week and studying.

If their dad won’t make them tidy up then he can do it. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to do it because you can’t stand the mess. You need to start thinking about yourself, cook and shop for yourself, wash your own clothes, tidy your own mess. If he doesn’t step up and do his and their share and it becomes unbearable then it’s time for an ultimatum. You’ve weakened yourself by thinking there’s any chance you’re at all like your own SM and they’re taking the absolute piss out of your good will and fears.

No one’s doing either child any favours by letting them spend their lives on the x box and not being able to demonstrate independence by looking after themselves but you’re working with one hand tied behind your back if the parents aren’t on board so you have to stop bothering. Basic civility like saying hi, bye, please and thank you should be a given and if you’re not at least getting that then stop all favours, lifts, special bloody meals, treats. I’m not my step DC mum or dad but I’m one of the two adults in our home and I wouldn’t put up with rudeness or being ignored by anyone here, either resident or visiting.

TwentyEight12 · 25/09/2019 14:33

I see that they are not both boys, but either way dates to fast food joints aren’t that impressive when you reach adulthood regardless of their gender and nor is going to a restaurant in any situation and refusing to eat anything other than something from the bread basket.

Anyhoo, it doesn’t matter. They won’t be like this forever but right now they are. And right now the biological parent isn’t parenting and you’re trying to do his parenting job for him, work full time, study at night school and make the wrongs of your childhood right by being saintly. But it’s not working for you, hence why you are here.

Glad you’ve seen sense and a way out of this madness via microwave meals and a cleaner.

Original poster

Franklymydearidontgiveadam · 25/09/2019 14:43

I know, I think I just try too hard and make myself stressed over it. Tbh they should be going on this holiday but their mum has admitted they spoil majority of holidays by just wanting to stay in bed so this time gave them a choice to go and they of course said no, I think she a bit relieved so I know it might not just be me they are grumpy with xx

OP posts:

TwentyEight12 · 25/09/2019 14:52

I hope you’ve opened up a Google search page and tapped in ‘cleaners in my area’ and are noting their contact numbers

Bibidy · 25/09/2019 14:59

Yep agree with other posters you need to stop doing all this for them.

If SS doesn't eat because he won't get off his Xbox then that's his look out, don't you worry about it.

Your OH should be enforcing that they clean up after themselves though. Even if you get a cleaner they aren't going to tidy everything up after the teenage whirlwind has struck. He needs to make sure they're cleaning up behind themselves.

Katex888 · 25/09/2019 15:07

You must really love their father, no man would be worth cleaning up kids shit for me. They are his children his responsibility.

Original poster

Franklymydearidontgiveadam · 25/09/2019 15:39

Haha I do love their dad so much.

Ive wanted a cleaner for many years, even before DH came along... This is much actual proper reason to get one now xx

OP posts:

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 25/09/2019 15:42

OMG stop right now and make your husband step up - HE should be the one who is telling them not to be slobs and take you for granted!

I had a huge battle with my stepkids when they moved in as their mother's house is a shit tip and she doesn't care if they are slobs whilst there, but we have a WHOLE different set of rules here. They pick their own shit up. And yes we have a cleaner, however I don't pay her to pick their crap up. They do it before she comes.

As for food and picky eaters, youngest was very picky and his mother would make him something different if he didn't like what she put in front of him first time around. Here he eats what everyone else does, and yes it was a battle for a few months where he played with his food and claimed he didn't like xyz but guess what he got nothing else and now he eats everything and says it's all yummy!

What I'm trying to say is the longer you do all of this stuff for them, the more they will take advantage of it. If I were you I would sit them down (with your husband) and you both lay out what the rules are. At that age they should be picking up after themselves and helping out around the house. I'm not surprised you feel like a slave or whatever.

everybodysang · 25/09/2019 15:48

Listen, you sound lovely but getting them to clean up after themselves is NOT being horrible. I love my 2 DSC but they have grown up to generally be polite, well-mannered and tidy (and occasionally rude, messy, shouty - because they're teenagers) because they were given to understand that clearing up/cooking/looking after the house is a shared responsibility. We were a little soft on them as they had to look after two younger siblings at their mums house and it was quite chaotic there, so they don't do major cleaning etc but they load the dishwasher, sometimes cook for us, wipe the table down etc. And would never leave rubbish just lying around.
You're teaching them proper life skills if you help them understand this. Though... not easy if starting from here. And really - this is their dad's job to manage too. He should be teaching them this.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 25/09/2019 15:55

Just to add to the previous post, I think it's really important that you get your husband to do the laying down of the rules / telling off etc. I was very conscious that I didn't want to be the one that just nags them all the time. That's their dad's job, just like it's my job to keep my own daughter in line.

Original poster

Franklymydearidontgiveadam · 25/09/2019 16:09

Do you know what?

I kept on saying to DH its life skills re tidying up etc and I felt like a nag so I've just kept my mouth shut and carried on. I've got to admit though I've cried with feeling massive relief that's it's ok to feel down about this and I'm not some horrid evil stepmother.

I was petrified I'd get stick as I know its hard with your own children and teens full-time so I think the parents, guardians and step-parents who do it all the time deserve a medal. Xx

OP posts:

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 25/09/2019 16:15

Thing is @frankly while you're doing all the nagging etc it's easy for him to just sit back and not be the bad guy. Make him do it - they're his kids! Step parenting is difficult. You have all of the downsides of having kids and not many of the upsides. He has to back you up.

SavingSpaces2019 · 25/09/2019 17:26

Your husband can'tr be arsed parenting his own kids for the 2 days a week he has them - what's so lovable about a man like that?

Stop doing anything for any of them until your husband starts taking responsibility.
If the kids go hungry or without clean clothes - that's on HIM.

june2007 · 25/09/2019 17:36

So you say there welcome to come but they clean up after themselves. I would expect a 16 year old to cook a meal but they can help with prep and def wash up.

MikeUniformMike · 25/09/2019 17:53

Take a weekend off. Go on a spa break or something.

Frenchfemme · 25/09/2019 17:58

I’d book myself on a weeks holiday the week they are with you. Let your husband manage his own children! And if the house is a mess when you return, he has the choice of paying for a deep clean or doing it himself. And going forward, no more pandering re. meals, basic standards to be expected (him to police) and common courtesies to be observed at all times - otherwise you develop a new hobby that takes you out of the house every weekend...

swingofthings · 25/09/2019 18:29

14 and 16 is a horrible age. I hated it. Now both over it and they are back to being lovely. My DS who just washing his plate was asking to catch the moon, took my clothes of the air dryer and folded them all before putting his own on it.

I got scared that I was going mental not remembering having it done that morning until he told me it was him! Never thought that would ever happen!

It might not be a step-mum issue.

Techway · 25/09/2019 19:45

Google life skills for teens, print it off and ask your DH to tick off what they can do.

Are they likely to go to Uni? If so it's seriously uncool to be person who has poor or zero skills.

It isn't acceptable that they are not parented,my dc would be grumpy when asked to cook or clean but all were grateful later on that they have some skills.

Witchydearest · 27/09/2019 10:42

Your a mug babe, I nipped this kind of behaviour in the bud. My SD doesn’t stay over anymore. I’m a lot happier

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