Contact with exes-What am I missing?

[Anuta77]

Some of you may remember me, the stupid third woman of a man with 2 exes. 2 exes that he left, because clearly his relationship skills are not the best. I was young and immature, fell in love and didn't think about this fact.
As to what I know the separations didn't go well, but now (over 5 years after the second separation), he's very very friendly with ex#2. The same ex who 2 years after the separation was cold to me and him is now super nice.

My partner had to go to Cuba for a small dental procedure. I'm learning now that both exes were asking him about it, asking him how he arrived... He tells them how his suitcase got lost. One is making a cute joke about it. He then tells her (because she's a recently graduated dental assistant) about his dental issues and either him or she offers to talk to the dentist she works for to look at his X-rays to give advice about removing his wisdom teeth. He tells her how he's embarassed to ask our dentist and she gives him advice to discuss with the secretary instead of the dentist and send the x-rays to her. Our dentist is close to our house, whereas the ex works in the city, which is always in traffic. Why in the world does he need to remove his wisdom teeth with the ex's employer and have his ex look into his mouth??! This has nothing to do with their daughter!

This weekend was our toddler's 2nd bday. The ex hasn't seen him in 1.5 years, but she surely congratulated my partner with our son's bday and told him that she and the daughter went to buy him a gift, so when he goes to their house, she'll give it to him. His daugther wanted to come, but I didn't organise anything big, just an outing to pick apples in the morning before his nap. One of my partner's sons (from ex #1) decided to come from the city (we live in the suburbs) and it took 50 min to pick him up. To go pick up the daughter (who's the daugther of ex#2) would take another 50 min, there was no time to do it. So I told him, why doesn't his ex bring her for once (they were 20 min away) and then you would bring the daughter back home at the same time as the son. No answer. The ex later wrote to him that the daughter was left dissapointed.

What's the point of all these cute messages, nice wishes for every bday or holiday and then when it comes to their kids, he's expected to do the taxi? The ex NEVER brings her or picks her up.
If he went to pick up the daughter in addition to the son + bringing them back, that would have been almost 4 hours driving. 4 hours that he would be absent from our toddler's bday. I know he's small, but it's symbolic.

Few weeks ago, I organized a trip to an attraction park, his daugther wanted to go (was her mother's weekend). My DP run to the other side of the city to pick her up, fell asleep at the traffic light with my son in the car. Why wasn't it possible to tell the ex to bring her closer? What's the point of this friendship?

The ex receives close to 1000$ in maintenance from the gouvernement and my DP. She has a 18 year old son from previous relationship and lives in a 2 bedroom apt. Where does the daughter sleep? Used to sleep with her until 12, then the ex separated part of their already small livingroom into SD's "bedroom". Couldn't she add 50$/month and take a bigger appartment? When I mention it, my DP says that it's none of his business and SD doesn't complain, so everything is good. In our house, she has a room and he starts denigrating this room just to make the fact that she sleeps in the livingroom in her mother's place ok. She's only with us EOW. What's the point of the friendship if he can't discuss this with the ex?

SD spent the whole summer alone at home while the mother was working. She would just meet with a friend and go to a park with other teens. She didn't even had a phone with service. My DP tried to ask her about how long she's actually alone and received vague answers. Didn't push more not to cause an issue. One day he tells me that her friend was on vacation, so SD was really competely alone. I offered to pick her up, at 2:30 pm, she still didn't eat. What's the point of the friendship, if this can not be discussed either?

What am I missing here? When I complain, I'm the crazy, the ex is always right and is a great mother. So I just get the impression that by being falsely nice, she just gets her way. And honestly, she's the smartest ex of them all.

Just wanted to vent, because I feel stupid.

Suck it up SM. Put up shut up lovely.

I don't know if there's a back story I'm missing here, but you need to butt out of his exes lives and how they manage their finances/homes. If your SD is happy that's all that matters.

Of course your teen SD spent the summer alone while her mum works, that's what single parents have to do in order to live. I'm lucky to work at home, but if I had to take a job out of the house my DCs would have to suck it up and they're perfectly capable of making themselves something to eat. You say "Used to sleep with her until 12" so she is clearly older than that, no? She is old enough to hang out with friends and to be safe at home alone.

You need to concentrate on your own family situation and stop putting so much energy into everyone else's. When you get with a guy who has DCs you have to accept that people don't all do things the way you would do them, so you just keep your mind on your own DC.

What's the point of all these cute messages, nice wishes for every bday or holiday and then when it comes to their kids, he's expected to do the taxi? The ex NEVER brings her or picks her up.

Erm, perhaps as she's looking after the child for the rest of the time, as she's only with you EOW, when your DP wants to spend time with them he has to put in a bit of effort?

stuffedpeppers , your answers are always super negative, so I wouldn't take it seriously. Successful coparenting relationship my butt. Most things I described here and in other posts have nothing to do with their daughter.

Not super negative realistic as a mother with children who had a step mother - who did what you do and now have a step mother who just gets it right.

Oh and as a step mother myself which seem to get 2/3 good and one which def is not!

You seem hypercritical of something which works for your DSD and that is the point of this at the end of the day. That children get a fair crack in life form both parents.

So superrealistic, from experience

He has a reasonable relationship with the ex and drives to see his children. When her mother is at work in the school holidays his teenage daughter is at home, just like other kids in the same situation. I don't quite see what the problem is.

They sound like they are trying to stay friendly for their childrens sake, and well done to them. You sound jealous. Why wouldn't they be friends?

You don’t sound jealous to me and I have no idea where the other posters comments that allude to that are coming from. I think what you are saying is that you fear he is being used by his exes. That their behaviour up until recently, has been less than desirable nor conducive to that of responsible adults with children.

That the charm is being turned on superficially in order for them to get the most out of him and work him in the best possible way that suits them.

He may well be being taken advantage of but he is a grown man and it’s up to him. My advice would be to step back, resist from getting involved and allow him to find out for himself.

If it should all come tumbling down around him when their masks slip, he’ll be coming to you with his tail between his legs no doubt.

In the meantime, although this is annoying, he isn’t going to warm further to you if you start reading him the riot act. If you fear that one of the exes is trying to get him back - the dental ex - you could up your game and start to make him feel better than she currently is, that is of course, if you still want him.

He likes his ego being stroked. He likes his exes fussing over him. You've been told this in previous threads. He is happy to be manipulated by his exes. You need to let it go unless it affects you directly like the ex mucking you about when you did the pickup (previous thread)

Your h is right - stop fretting about the exes. My ex does all the driving partly because he enjoys it and weekends are his only chance to drive (he commutes by train during the week)

It's not ok for exes to tell people how to spend their money. It would be ok for him to mention that their dd is unhappy about sharing but telling her to move is unacceptable and controlling.

It's normal for teens in the uk to spend all day alone in the school holidays while parents work. The only summer camps for teens are residential and very expensive. Relaxing with friends is a great way to chill out over the summer holidays. It would be unreasonable for your h to bring this up with your ex. It's controlling to insist that she takes the time off or pays for childcare (which is what I assume you'd like to see) even though it's a waste of money since teens don't need babysitting as they can do stuff like prepare a meal at lunchtime.

Thank you for those who left non judgemental responses.
About SD staying alone at 12 during the whole summer, I would understand if there was no choice, but my DP and myself work from home, my older son (11) with whom she gets alone very well as well as the toddler whom she adores were all at home. All the previous summers she was with us 50/50. While I understand that being with friends is important too, I don't understand why SD who's not very mature (never seen her making herself a sandwich like my younger son, always goes to see when hungry) is left home alone without good means of communication. And I know that my DP didn't feel good about it. He told me and was glad that I offered to pick her up. That day, he was even pushing me to go get her earlier. So he's super friendly with his ex, but doesn't make a fuss over it.

I understand that telling the ex to move would be controlling, but we see here people all the time who worry about their kids not having separate bedroom and here we're talking about an almot 13 year old girl sleeping in the livingroom. She loves having her room in our house. If her mother is such a super duper nice lady and they are so affectionate with each other, why not at least have a conversation about it? He pays her maintenance for her adult son!

SD is very loyal to her mother, so she would never complain about anything with her. She's also very sweet to her father (unless regular hormonal teenage girls), but she's not running to spend more time with him than EOW and one weekend visit where my DP goes to her place.

I know there's no solution, I make efforts to not getting involved. But most women don't like having other women being affectionate with their partners. Here the excuse is the children, but all children have their phones and can communicate with the father directly and half of my DP's conversations with exes is not related to kids.

Sounds like your SD at 12 is making the decision to stay at home rather than go to yours. (At 12 I would expect her to be asking mum if she can go to her dad’s and she clearly isn’t). Kids are often more self-sufficient / feel able to help themselves in homes they feel comfortable in. Kids aren’t stupid. It’s clear you have issues with your DP’s kids’ exes. She would have cottoned onto it.

I get your frustrations @Anuta77, I would feel it too. Sounds like your partner runs himself ragged fetching and dropping his kids with very little cooperation from his exes when it comes to actual practical things.

It's all very well being on good terms as they are, but I'd say the terms aren't that good at all when they won't help him out from time-to-time when it comes to dropping and collecting their own children.

*He may well be being taken advantage of but he is a grown man and it’s up to him. My advice would be to step back, resist from getting involved and allow him to find out for himself.

If it should all come tumbling down around him when their masks slip, he’ll be coming to you with his tail between his legs no doubt.*

I thought that too TwentyEight, but like in the case of our toddler's bday, he again defended her not bringing SD (while her message to him indicated that SD was dissapointed), because she "might have other plans". A good coparenting relationship is there for the kid's benefit and she knows very well that he has older sons whom she apparently loves (her former stepsons), so if she cares about my DP and his other sons (because she's such a nice SM too) and her daughter, why not bring her if DP can not?

Same when he was bent in half from back pain a few months ago and couldn't make his usual visit to their house. Nobody came to visit him or bring any of the kids despite their sweet messages.

He says he didn't tell them too. But they do take the initiative of asking him how he is, to congradulate him with our toddler's bday (honestly who does that even?), to offer him little help when it's not necessary (like the story with the dentist or offering a boyfriend's construction hat when she found out that he was going to buy one).

I just don't understand...

It's not ok for exes to tell people how to spend their money.

In a way I agree with you. But their "friendship" is such that an ex feels the right to tell him that my way of giving birth (with a midwife) is dangerous and it should be done at a hospital.
Or the aforementioned ex made a fuss to him when she found out that we went to take a family picture with his, my and our kids and didn't take her son or make a fuss that she was not notified of our pregnancy. So it's all one sided and super annoying.

I tried to have a good relationship with both of them and issues only happened when I felt that they passed the line. But I'm always the bad guy. It's just amazing.

I feel that I have to talk to SD and explain to her that her father constantly feels sleepy while driving which is dangerous, so her mother never "helping" with that and her, never being ready when he comes to pick her up, which takes even more time of his already busy days, is affecting her father's health even if he doesn't admit it.

I thought that too TwentyEight, but like in the case of our toddler's bday, he again defended her not bringing SD (while her message to him indicated that SD was dissapointed), because she "might have other plans". A good coparenting relationship is there for the kid's benefit and she knows very well that he has older sons whom she apparently loves (her former stepsons), so if she cares about my DP and his other sons (because she's such a nice SM too) and her daughter, why not bring her if DP can not?

100%. If she is capable of bringing her daughter to you then she should have done it, given that she knew her little girl would be sad and disappointed not to be able to join in with your son's birthday.

@Anuta77

In response to you, simply put Anuta, as I said before, it works for them. As another poster pointed out, he likes the attention, many men do.

He doesn’t have a problem with having his ego stroked and running around like sh*t off a shovel to accommodate everyone and not having help with the practicalities. You have a problem with him not having help with the practicalities and I understand that, but what can you do about it? I had the same thing too and if you dared point out any unfairness or blatant piss-taking, you are the one with the problem.

So, as he responds well to ego stroking, I would suggest you become top in your class at stroking his ego if you want to make it work as best for you as possible. You send him lots of cute messages and ego strokes... see what happens yes?

The problem is that we both work from home, so we see each other all the time AND we're in constant renovations, which adds stress to any couple.
He went to Cuba for 2.5 weeks and he apparently was missing me so much, but I was in such a shock from all the renovation stress before he left (i.e. arguing) while seeing that he's super accomodating with exes that it was hard to send cute messages. I made some effort and he came back so nice and happy. But then I realized that while away, he was also getting messages from exes inquiring about him....So my messages are always diluted.

I envy women who's partner's exes are not nice (except for abusers), because in comparison to the ex, the wife looks nice. But no matter how nice I could be, the sweet exes are always there. And as soon as there's an issue between us, like in any couple, it must be refreshing for him to see a happy welcoming ex when he goes to visit his kids.

For all the exes on this board, if you want to piss off the wife, that's the way to go!

It seems that you're blaming the exes rather than your h.

Most people who have an ex who is "too nice" would assume that the ex still love them and be formal so as to not give off signals. Your h seems to be flattered .

If it makes you feel any better there's no reason to think that they are doing this to annoy you. Some people love being needed and your h may see women (except you) as damsels in distress who need him to do stuff like the driving. It may also partly be divorced Dad guilt. If he lived with the mum then he'd be driving his child around regularly and I think that you mentioned that he ended the relationship which is another thing to feel guilty about.

How can a teen not make a sandwich? Her Dad should be helping her head towards being an independent adult.

Surely your angst should be with your dh, falling asleep at the wheel. he'd not be taking my child anywhere after that.
Tell him to sort it out, but really what did you expect with so many kids in the mix, I'm exhausted with all the ex's and kids.

pikapikachu,
I agree with you, I do think it's that: partially the guilt, partially liking feeling like the nice guy. And my therapist says that I should take care of myself more, so that it bothers me less and I agree with that too.
But it's up and down. Kids are growing up, have their phones and all communicate with the father independently. He gets emails from school. He communicates by himself with SD's piano teacher. Older sons can travel alone, one even got a driving license. But the exes are just as close.
I still think that if these 2 women just lived their lives and didn't cling to my DP, things would have been better. I normally accept the driving and wouldn't complain about it in itself. But I don't see the point of cute messages if nothing useful related to the kids, comes out of it.
That makes me want to reject anything that comes from the exes, like the gift one of them just bought for our toddler that she hasn't seen in over 1.5 years, precisely because she never brings or picks up her daughter.

About the sandwich, when SD is hungry, she either informs me of it or asks what's for dinner. And if I'm not doing it, she reasks. She has never showed that she wasn't comfortable in our house. She never had problems entering our bedroom, never had problems to take my or my son's things. It's not that she's not comfortable in our house that she can't makes herself a sandwich as opposed to her mother's appartment.
So I don't know how she spent the summer alone. My DP doesn't feel good if his daughter is in our home doing nothing if me or my son are not there and feels the need to take her out right away. It's all full of annoying contradictions.

I still think that if these 2 women just lived their lives and didn't cling to my DP, things would have been better.

Better for you but your h likes things the way they are with his exes. He is your problem.

A "normal" man wouldn't be flattered and fall over themselves to please the ex. There would be polite replies and boundaries in place not giddiness at having his ego stroked by the ex.

SD is "helpless" as her parents have conditioned her this way. Children half her age can make a sandwich. SD is clearly mimicking the dynamic that her parents have. If she's "helpless" then she can have things done for her like a meal. Her mum and Dad are equally at fault here. My teens can cook a handful of dinners each but at their Dad's house he does it all (including drinks and tidying up) . He's basically treating them as if they were the same age as when he left me (8 and 5)
Last time he came round dd was making some Ikea flat pack and he was all that we'd loaded this big box in the car and she was building the furniture with an electric drill. What I'm trying to say is that he subconsciously (?) babies the kids massively and thinks that I'm negligent by encouraging them to do stuff like build flat pack. Dd could be going to uni in 2 years and I want her to be confident about leaving home. My teens have friends who can't use a microwave or washing machine never mind make a pot of bolognese.

You are obsessed with the actions of the Exes - you need to stop, otherwise you are the one who will get ill from the stress.

He has 2 exes for a reason! Your BP is the only one being raised by this, he is carrying on as usual.