SC falsely accusing me and DH of neglect and abuse

[TerrifiedCompletely]

Basically that.

In general things were going well. Few ups and downs like any family. But bonded and in general happy.

But ever since the exW and her partner seperated things seemed to go downhill with the children. Mainly the youngest. Playing up terribly in school, weeing on purpose in the hall, arguing with everyone. Full on tantrums akin to a toddlers.

Eldest went more reclusive and distant.

All understood and not judged (although hard) as naturally they went through a big loss, as they were close to exW partner. Relevant or not, partner was moved in within a few months of knowing him, encouraged to call him dad etc. So very much pushed them intk seeing him as good as a dad, bery quickly. Which ended a year after.

Again, myself and DH completely appreciated they were going through a lot. Tried to all work as a team to support and help them.

But now it has come out they've been accusing dh of physically hitting them (never has he touched them for anything apart for affection) then both of us, starving them and refusing to feed them (they eat constantly here and food is always freely available with a help yoursf attitude which they do. Along with two cooked meals and a breakfast done for them), that we never let them touch the tv as it is always baby shows (they have it constantly and if we ask for one half hour for the baby to watch something they get moody) , that i walk around saying how the baby only matters and only she is family (we both always stress all three are equal and we arw a family of five) , that we leave them to look after the baby while we swan off (at best if the baby is acting up and the kids are hungry i ask them to entertain her while i make them something. Always with eyes on them to make sure all is okay and intervening if baby plays up)

Isn't the first time the youngest has accused people of falsely hitting him. Or saying so and so told me to hit whoever. Despite it being glaringly obvious that is not true. With witnesses or sometimes even family videos where he claimed it happened. When it clearly didn't. One example was playing with his uncle, he claimed he was hit. Video playback showed no such thing.

This is concerning me for many reasons. Their mental state as clearly theu are calling for help, just in the wrong way. And for the risk of my family and baby. I am terrified they will say something like that and we will end up with social on our door and possibly losing them and baby!

Both parents seem to think it isn't that big of a deal. ExW although initially fractious, has weirdly bonded with us regardong all of this and has brought us closer as a team. But the general lying seems to be brushed under the carpet a bit and no consequences have come of it all.

I have said that from now on i will not for even a moment be alone with them. As i always want witnesses. We also now have a book to note behaviour and consequences of such with times and dates. Just to have some kind of backlog for our own protection. I have even suggested cameras inside so we call always show video evidence.

Drastic maybe. But i am seriously scared. It has reached the point i dread them coming. As I'm terrified what new storu they will go home saying. I walk on egg shells when it comes to simple things that even their mother and my DH has agreed with me on (not being glued to consoles and tidying up their own things) . And concequences of such. Nothing major and even their mum has said if anything it is softer in that regard here as she expects more from them.

But I'm terrified. I feel like if they don't get their own way, they lie. And i don't want to see my baby grow up watching them get away witj murder through fear when baby wouldn't be. Baby is 14 months and we already have a very basic age appropriate set of boundaries. As we done for all children that spend an awful lot of time in our home.

I just don't know what to do. I hate that i dred them coming now. Because i do love them. But i hate the underlining fear and anxiety it gives me. And it seems to only be me that really sees just how damaging these kind of accusations could be to them, us individually and us as a family.

Our house joins onto my parents and with everything coming to light it has now put them on edge for even being alone with them for a second.

Sorry for the rambling. I just don't know what to do. I'm shaking now just thinking of it all and quite honestly I think if it wasn't for DH and my baby i would walk away completely.

We have done all we can prebaby and especially after the baby ti spoil them and support and love them. Dh went to court and faught his butt off to make sure he got regular contact as exw was at a time difficult. By her own admission.

Just ergh. What on earth do i do?! I have even suggested spending those weekends apart to save myself from the stress. But DH doesn't want that as due to his work schedule it is the only time he really has to see any of us. So it would mean essentially me and baby giving up spending any time with him.

And yes they have one on one, well since this started they both go with dh to respective football games. Saturday and sunday. Which works out around four/five hours each day it is just them and their dad.

It used to be one would stay with me while the othet went to their Match with dh so they did get one on one. But i just can't risk that now.

I feel like such a failure as a mum and stepmum. I love them all dearly but i just can't get passed this anxiety

Thank you all so much. Youve helped clear a bit of a mess from my brain!

I can't contact SS without the agreement of DH or exW. Neither og which I'm likely to get. And if i done it behind their backs i would be making things worse for everyone. Myself included.

I've decided to do what you all have suggested and to have a Frank chat when they are next round how i will be next door for now, i still love them and care but until they understand the severity og the lies and truly apologise and change behaviour for my safety i need to keep my distance. I will suggest we still meet to see each other in very public places that have securitu of cctv or something similar.

I am hoping this approach will show them that i love them, while also stressing just how frightened they have made me.

As petty as it sounds also, i will be hiding console controllers. As a punishment was meant to be no console and somehow DH still allowed them on it the last weekend.

I want DH to be left to parent and see what i do/put up with. While also them having a fair consequence for their actions.

It won't be a long term solution. The further along i get pregnancy wise the less likely i am goibg to want to run around my parents place whivh isn't childproofed. If no steps have been made regarding sorting it by then i will discuss with DH his need to move out.

I will need to be near mu parents for support. He does not. As much as i love him this isn't a viable way to live that doesn't involve damaging me and mu own children.

I'll stand by them all, exW included all the time they are fighting to get the kids better. If they don't fight i will have to do the hard thing and walk away from the relationship.

Well done OP - a hard decision for you, but a sensible one.

Sounds like you are managing to see the wood for the trees and have come up with a sound plan to take forward.

Hope it all works out.

Thank you. Its such a sad place to be in. I do genuinely feel for those kids. They clearly are very messed up at this present time.

I will still engage with them, as i said in public places and through text. So it is evident to them i still care. Because i bloody well do. Iy makes me sad to think i have reached as far as i can go help wise for them.

But my little one needs a mum that isn't stressed, and that is also the last thing i need through pregnancy also.

I need to put them first. But i won't stop badgering my DH to see they need help way more than he needs peace from his exW.

I had a similar issue with my step children who are similar ages. They told all sorts of lies about DH and I and I eventually decided I couldn't risk being around them anymore. They still stay regularly I just stay out of their way either in another part of the house or I go out. Unfortunately it means they see very little of DD who is their half sister but I couldn't risk being lied about anymore. My step children are also incredibly rude and unpleasant towards me so it was a no brainer really. They get to spend time with their dad on their own and I don't have to be subjected to their abusive behaviour or lies. They were caught out with their lying because DSS went home and told his mother I had been horrible to him on a weekend I had actually been away so hadn't actually been within several hundred miles of him. Neither of his parents ever punished him for his lying and it was all brushed under the carpet as poor him etc and blamed on hormones and other pandering like that. My DH sounds equally as spineless as yours in that both his kids clearly need professional help but because the ex wife won't agree to it he won't do anything about it.

My DH's ex is actually on Mumsnet and has previously posted on here slagging DH and I off with some of the lies that DSS has told her so I don't even know that she cares or realises her kids are lying which is really sad.

I'm so sorry you're going through that.

Really as you said, spinless DH and (in your case) an ex who is willing to believe anything and make excuses if it means they are left looking the "good one".

It is a shame as in general my SC are lovely and sweet. Yes they have their moments, but ignoring this major issue they act out no more than most their ages.

It is a shame as from an outsiders perspective all i can see is two innocent kids being ruined due to my DH level of fear and exW life choices and level of spite in the past.

As if it is this bad now it'll only get worse if things don't change!

I was a naughty teenager. I never lied, but u played up a lot. I went through a lot (loss and hurt) as they have, albeit not in the same situation. I was quite frankly, awful. But i got out of all of that thanks yo having two parents working as a team, who saw i needed help and made me get it. Even though for a time it made things worse for them.

It not only helped them lead a happier life, they got me to be able to as well. It was what was right long term for the whole family. Sometimes what is righy isn't always easy. And in that respect i fear my DH has failed them massively, but i am not blind to the amount of crap he went through to reach this beaten stage. And for that i blame exW.

It is sad when kids are used as pawns, and sadly it seems to be this is the result of it. Kids get damaged. Then slowly as reality hits exW is wanting to play ball as it seems she is aware what part she had to play in yhe build up. But by still wanting to hold onto anger she is still refusing to see just how serious their issues now are.

If i see it from their eyes, they've faced loss after loss. On top of that they have had lots of people on ger side brought in and out their lives as a new daddy figure. Just to spite my ex. They've heard her scream abuse at him for no real reason. Bad mouthing. On top of that she would stop contacr sporadically so in their eyes they just sae their dad not seeijg them anymore. (Hence court).

The only constant they ever had really was her, so they want to stay loyal to her. They think because of what they've heard she wants to hear their dad is nasty and awful. As am i. Because by her own admission she hated when they came home saying how much they liked me/had fun here.

They have no idea of what they really are doing, nor an understanding of why all these people seem to come and go from their lives.

Just that their mum is a great mum to them (which she is.) And has never, ever gone anywhere.

They want to make her happy. They think this will. Iy is terribly sad.

ExW said herself it took a friend to tell her it wss better they were loved from all sides and her find that hard than them not to be loved and her find that easier emotionally.

I feel for her having to share her kids. As i do my DH for having to do the same. I know i would find it hard. But for a while she lost sight of the happiness of her kids through being blinded by jealousy and spite.

Sadly now they are paying that price. They have no idea how to feel. It has left them confused and wuite honestly, broken for now on some level.

And through all of this they are inadvertantly ruining relationships where they are loved and so wanted.

For all of this i don't blame them, and i can't give up on them completely. But 100% protection of myself and my own need to come first for now. As there is not much else i can do for them as much as i would like to

I don’t believe it’s professional help that any of these children need and I am referring to the information given on this particular thread.

From my perspective, what is lacking is strong parenting which is meant to provide guidance and teaching on the fundamental difference between right and wrong. Today’s parenting does not seem to encompass comprehensive teachings on respect or trust or care towards others. I read a lot about parents scared of the reactions or actions of their own children. So much so, that if you should be unfortunate to partner up with one of them, you have unwittingly signed a contract to be bullied, victimised and abused.

The world has gone mad.

Oh i agree completely. There is a serious lack of parenting which would be the major factor in all of this.

I just feel from what they have gone through that they could do with an outsider to truly have their own voice to talk to.
They seem to tell one parent one thing and one another. Always what they want to hear. They are guilty of this with DH as well.

I fear their own emotions and feelings have gotten lost in all this mess.

The eldest especially has anxiety, i noticed it from the get go. It has escalated now, although exW won't consider it an issue.

If it helps you to get through and over the bullying you have suffered by painting them as victims, then so be it.

Is that what i am doing? I honestly have no idea!

I was bullied a lot as a kid, so i feel kinda emotional over the prospect over being bullied by kids now.

Although in theory it is true. Using fear and threats in any adult setting would not be excused and would be classed as bullying.

Step parenting is so hard. I musy admit despite the love i have for them and DH if i knew the extent this would get, i would never have gotten involved in the first place.

You are right it is a form of bullying, we also have no control over our lives at all as exW books events for them and hobbies (fair play they are entitled) on our time. Or weekly ones that impact our time. Which now has resulted in no time to di anything together either as a group and family or even for my dd.

There is literally no time to add more in. So dd misses out. When if we had three together it would ve planned that all children got equal time and allowed for days out and the like.

I feel suffocated a d scared. All i wanted was for us to all be a family. But i think the harsh reality is they don't want that, for whatever the reasons.

Whivh means dd and myself will always have to slot in whenever we possibly can ,(which with everything isn't physically possible) . Just because DH is a coward anf equally if not more so bullied.

Haven’t read the thread yet, just your OP, but my first response is keep away when they come. Especially as your parents are near, go there.

Stuff your partners work schedule, they are accusing you of abuse. He’ll have to make other arrangements.

And HE and their mother need to get them help

Oh and get evidence that you are not in the home also. Record yourself in your parents home or something.

Yes I think so by reading everything you have written on this thread.

It’s what I did too, although I know we are not the same person, your story is very similar to mine but without having the biological children of our own. I would say it’s a stage of the grief process you are beginning, there are other stages in the process. It takes a long time, which is why I suggested you start doing your best to focus on meditation, yoga etc but to be honest, really anything that diverts your emotional energy some place else even for an hour or so.

Also, when I suggested counselling, I meant for you and not couples counselling. If couples counselling was working, I doubt you’d have posted this thread.

Again agree with you all.

I'll be looking inti individual counciling. Even just ti help me accept the family we wanted won't be, but to accept what we do have in general is good.

I'm going to throw my attention on my dd and pregnancy. My dd makes me feel so happy and like I'm actually pretty good at this parenting lark!

I will also be ay my parents more and any contact will be written down. Including interactions.

Hopefully this is something we all can get past. If not i just have to focus on the amazing aspects of life i do have.

Suppose now is yhe time to throw the mn mantra of "not our monkeys, not our problem!" To all yhe step mums trying their best and hitting a brick wall, i respect every single one of you.

No one truly knows how hard this would be at the start. By then we are in so deep it is hard to get out while maintaining dignity and sanity.

I will grieve for the family i wanted, but i will rejoice and love the family i have. With no burdens out of my control clouding that.

Thank all you lovely ladies again.

Not our circus nit our monkeys even!

Correct.