What makes a stepparent?

[Rainbowhairdontcare]

I'm part of a very big step parenting group on FB. As expected most are American so there's usually a bit of a cultural clash. The most interesting one is that they only consider themselves a stepparent if married. not everybody thinks this way, but I'd say the vast majority does.

So what do you think is it the role or the piece of paper that makes you a stepparent?

The role, but here in Denmark the words aren't really tied to marriage, or at least nobody would bat an eyelid over it.

If I thought about how it is elsewhere I guess I'd say:

• Technically you have to be married to the parent to be a step-parent.
• If someone isn't married to the parent, but has nonetheless helped provide a stable and loving environment for the child(ren) for a while, you have to be a bit heartless to nitpick over the terminology.

It does seem that often here (and elsewhere) someone seeks help and people have two choices:

1. Provide advice that could help a child.
2. Nitpick over terminology because obviously that's what's so goddamn important... A lot seem to choice 2. Compassionate stuff

That's the same in British English. It denotes a parent who has married the child's natural parent. Before marriage the "step" parent would be mum's/dad's partner.

I think the role can be seen as separate to the name anyway - if my mum got remarried now, technically her husband would be my stepfather, but he would never have had a parental role towards me.

I have a stepmother (technically not any more, but I still think of her as such) who never lived with me and was more like an aunty in role than a parent, as we didn't really see my dad except in school holidays. Still stepparent, but very different to one who lives with the children regularly.

I think the whole insisting someone must be married to be a stepparent is really odd and ignores the nature of a parental role.

My father is married to what technically would be my stepmother, but I was well over 20 when they married and I've only met her a handful of times over the last decade. I think of her as my dad's wife, rather than my stepmum.

Meanwhile my mum has been with her boyfriend for AGES and he has had a much more parental role with me (even though I was an adult when they got together). I think of him as a stepdad even though they aren't married.

Surely the relationship with the child(ren) not the marital status is what counts.

Personally I often think the whole "they're not married, she's not the stepmother" thing is often something women do to keep their ex's new partners at length... 🤷🏼‍♀️

I live with my partner and his children live here 50% of the week, as are mine but I don't consider myself a 'stepmum' or him a 'stepdad'. If we get married that might change, but even then I don't see me taking on a parental role with his children, they already have a mum.

To me it's very black and white, it's just a title to denote a person that's married to (or in a long term relationship with) a parent, just the same way that you're a 'wife' if you're a woman who's married.

I think people get way too het up over the term just because it has the words 'mother' or 'father' in. I see so many threads on here that descend into arguments over whether someone actually is a step-parent or not, it's mad.

I see it as being connected to marriage. Same with siblings of the partner etc. They aren't really step stop until married. That's just the definition. It's not about the role.

I am not married to my partner but we have been together for 7 years since DS was 18 months. He’s always been great with him and treated him as his own and we also have DD together so he is definitely a step parent. I moved in with OH when’s DS was 3, he’s provided for him, cares for him, took him out, soothed him when he’s sick, took him to the hospital, took him to school so in my eyes he’s a parent to DS even if we aren’t actually married.

The OED defines it at as either the spouse or the partner of the parent. But I've seen some dictionaries to define it as just the spouse.

But that could be referring to a partner in a civil partnership. Spouse refers particularly to marriage.

Many on here claim it to be if your married - my mum and partner were together for 15+ years, I lived with him more than my real dad, they've since broke up yet he is always there for my kids! They were bridesmaid and best man for his wedding, he never forgets a birthday and takes them on holiday at least once a year!! I call him.my step dad but He isn't step grandad to my kids but grandad - their choice

My DS (8) and my DP were having a conversation about his the other day, my DS was saying he can’t call DP his stepdad because we are not married, DS wants to call him SD however we will not be getting married so DP said he can call him his SD as it’s more about the relationship than a piece of paper but DS adamant we have to be married.

Not sure who has told him that my guess is ex-MIL (not actually MIL as we were not married)