I wish he didn't have children

[EasyHardGoing]

I think my step children are amazing. They are funny and kind and just good kids.

But I am in so much pain right now that I wish for my own selfish reasons that they didn't exist for just a while so I could catch my breath.

I've just had my 9th miscarriage. I feel like I have nothing, I'm drowning. I am so desperately miserable with the way my life is going and I feel terrible. I have to pretend to be fine because they are with us and it's not fair on them to see me like this.

On the surface I put on a brave face to everyone including my husband. I'm sure they would probably tell you that I'm ok.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so sorry for your loses, I've had a few of my own. While you are right that you can't let your stepchildren know the extent of you hurt, it's ok not to be fine too.

Children need to see the sad side of life as well as all the good stuff. It's ok not to be ok.

Oh OP. This broke my heart. I'm so so sorry.
Try and remember this - He is who he is because of his children, he is the man you love because of them, they have made him who he is.
I am a SM with none of my own and it has crossed my mind how I would cope if this happened to me as/when we want our own. You'd have to be completely soul less to not have resentment build up against the already existing children.
Please try and remember (I know you know this) that it's not their fault, that they are a totally innocent party. As hard as that may be.
I'm so sorry. Please keep talking on here if you need to, vent away.
How has your DP been in all of this?

So sorry for what you're going through.

For what it's worth, I really, really don't understand why people think the kids don't "deserve" to see you like this. There's absolutely nothing wrong with children being allowed to see the adults in their life be upset about things that are nothing to do with them. You don't have to pretend to be jolly - adults have feelings too and children should be allowed to know that. Even if you just said you were feeling down or feeling unwell if you didn't want to explain the actual reason. You shouldn't have to pretend everything is fine when it isn't.

And I agree with @lunar1. It's okay to show them you're sad and hurting x

I'm really sorry for your loss. I think that putting a brave face will make it even harder for you than if you felt that you could express your sadness.
Can you take some time alone?

Sorry for your losses. It's really disheartening going through that time and again.

I guess it depends on how old they are in relation to seeing you upset .

It's quite upsetting for kids to see adults upset and I personally have only done this when I've suffered a loss.

They've seen me get annoyed...if they misbehave, but that's different.

Your OP is a little close to home, as my SIL had fertility problems and although she never overtly showed resentment about DB having kids...she would often say it's okay for him and he's not as bothered they can't have any, because he already has 3.

DB made it quite clear to her he wouldn't have it any other way as far as his DC were concerned.

The whole thing very nearly ended the marriage.

It's quite upsetting for kids to see adults upset and I personally have only done this when I've suffered a loss

She's had 9.of.them....

You are not selfish, you are a human being in an immense amount of pain whose family circumstances happen to be rubbing salt into the wounds. Get that thought out of your head immediately!
Please allow your DH to support you. That’s what marriage is all about after all. You would have shared the joy with him, you should also be able to share the grief.

For what it’s worth, I think you are an immensely strong woman to have kept trying, and for trying so hard to protect others. Stop though. You are important too.