Step Grandparents

[Motherofgirls3]

A little bit of background; I'm a Mother of 3, I have 2 Daughters from a previous relationship and my third with my current partner. He's an amazing Father and Step Father, everything you could ever hope for for your children! We're a happy blended family of 5.

That been said, my Mother in law doesn't treat them equally, or in fact see us as a family at all. Are we wrong for thinking that our children should be treat the same, biological or not? She met my 2 Daughters when they were 5yo and 2yo, but has never made much of an effort to get to know them, it's just become more apparent since our LO was born over the Summer, and starting to become a lot more noticeable to my Daughters and to those on the outside looking in...

Reading my previous thread, it's safe to say that my Mother in law brings us a lot of stress/headaches haha 🤯👍🏼

You invited the trouble when you agreed to the joint party - you know how mil is and should have planned accordingly by arranging your own pile pf gifts to your dd. In fact this was probably what she expected - that your daughter would get gifts from her side of the family. If she didn’t that’s not your mil’s fault.

I also agree that your older daughters probably get a lot more attention / gifts / spoiling from their dad’s side of the family that you are deliberately not seeing because you dislike your mil. You need to fix that. The last thing your youngest needs is for HER family to disown or go low contact with her because of YOUR issues - your oldest daughters’ family won’t then plug any gaps and then it will be your youngest who misses out.

How long has she been in your elder children’s lives? If only a short time, then I guess she is still getting to know them.

However, to suggest and organise a joint party (nice) and to give obviously different presents (nasty) was uncalled for. If you plan to do a joint party, each party person should be treated the same.

Also, to physically cut the children out is unkind. Fair enough picture of dp and baby, 5hats fine, but to remove the others is wrong.

Was the photo on social media or anything?

I only ask because I would probably do the same if I was sharing the photo on Facebook because I don't like assuming I can put pictures of my SC all over my social media. I love them to pieces but I don't have any pics of them on my profile. If DH tags me in something then that's fine, but I don't put any up myself. It's not that I don't want pictures of them, I've got a keyring on my car key of them, pictures all over the house etc... But I know some people get funny about social media so I never do it.

Hell my mother doesn't treat my DS1 the same as my DS2 (different husbands)

I think mothers in general are horrible.

This is a difficult one.

On the one hand it seems unfair that your daughters might be conscious and aware of the different treatment that MIL gives them compared to her bio grandchildren. Especially as in step-family situations it's so often drummed in that children should all be treated equally...theoretically that would need to extend to grandparents too (even if it's just an outward display and not genuine feelings). AND it's worse because you now are the mother of one of her bio grandchildren and I can completely see why you wouldn't want totally different treatment between your three girls.

That said, at the end of the day she isn't your elder two's grandmother and that's fairly easy to explain to your girls in a way that they can understand. After all, they wouldn't expect their friends' grandparents to treat them the same as they do their friends. Also, they have their own grandparents on their dad's side too by the sounds of it, who will treat them preferentially to your youngest, so they will experience the other side of it too.

She could certainly modify her behaviour a little and be less obvious about her preferences, but equally you could have a chat with your girls and explain that she is the way she is because the other kids are her grandchildren, in the same way that they have their own grandparents as well.

My mother in law has 2 grandchildren from my partner's ex and 2 mine... She has never bought a Xmas or a birthday present for any of mine and eldest is gonna be 4 in a month... Some people are just like this...

The reality is, if you and your partner split, she is never going to see your older dd's again, is she? So she'd be foolish to think that there was no difference between them and her actual grandchild. A degree of tact is required in how she treats them but you also need to be realistic about how this is going to go.

You need to separate the issues here. YABU to expect exact treatment. I have a 15yr old DSS and 1yr old DD. DPs offer childcare, gifts and have a fab relationship with DD. They dont really know DSS because he visits eow but they make polite conversation and are pleasant with him. I think that's fine. I wouldn't be happy with cropping people out of photos as that seems mean. I also wouldn't be happy with being coerced in to overnights, emotional blackmail or rude messages. MIL sounds more burden than blessing there

Interesting to read this thread along side the other one, where SM say that they don't yet feel that their SCs are part of their family.

Considering that step-grand parents are even less likely to see their step grand children on a regular basis, why is it so bad that they should not consider their grand step-children their family if SM themselves struggle with their SCs?

As said on the other thread, you can't make yourself feel something that just isn't there.

If a child is made to feel excluded then your MIL is not being very nice. It affects how they feel about their step Dad too, it marks out the difference too strongly and is divisive.

That’s not to say that you have to treat everyone exactly the same. There’s a good middle way where your MIL accepts and includes her DSGs, but has a stronger bond with DGs.

Kids instinctively know what isn’t good.

They absolutely are her family.

What does family mean ? He son who presumably she loves and cares for has extended his family and wants her to respect that. Life is short and we can be kind while we are here.

My parents/step parents treat my stepdaughter as their grandchild i.e. the same as my children. My in laws are very kind to my children, always include them, give generous gifts etc but they do treat my stepdaughter as extra special. Its fine. She's their only grandchild. My children don't seem to have noticed although i think its mainly because they perceive the extra attention as connected to her being younger (she's 8, they are 11 and 14). I think you need to be really tough about your MIL being rude to you, trying to push you into her having your baby for overnight stays etc. Your partner needs to make sure he deals with her as much as possible. She sounds incredibly annoying. I don't think you should leave your partner over it though (if you're happy with him).