Step Grandparents

[Motherofgirls3]

A little bit of background; I'm a Mother of 3, I have 2 Daughters from a previous relationship and my third with my current partner. He's an amazing Father and Step Father, everything you could ever hope for for your children! We're a happy blended family of 5.

That been said, my Mother in law doesn't treat them equally, or in fact see us as a family at all. Are we wrong for thinking that our children should be treat the same, biological or not? She met my 2 Daughters when they were 5yo and 2yo, but has never made much of an effort to get to know them, it's just become more apparent since our LO was born over the Summer, and starting to become a lot more noticeable to my Daughters and to those on the outside looking in...

Reading my previous thread, it's safe to say that my Mother in law brings us a lot of stress/headaches haha 🤯👍🏼

I don’t know you’re background but essentially yes, YABU to expect your DP’s mum to treat your kids the same as her bio grandchildren.
She met them at 2 and 5, she hasn’t been there since day one and missed out on all the baby prep and baby stages. Of course she’s going to feel different.
Your DP sounds lovely and he chose to be with you and take on your children, the rest of the family didn’t and shouldn’t be forced.
As long as she’s polite and not actively mean to them then I don’t see an issue.

My friends have all had children, they’re cute, I like them. But for example, when my nephew was born I felt a whole world of love for him that I hadn’t felt before other than with my own children. Because he was my brother’s baby and that familial tie is strong. I would take him on if needed... I wouldn’t do that for my friends’ kids though.
Do you see the difference?

Your child together is different to her because it’s her child’s child. She’s involved more because she’ll have felt she’s known that child since she found out you were pregnant. It’s her son’s baby so she’ll instinctively have that love there for it.

Do your children not have their own families? Their own grandparents?

Your DDs aren't her grandchildren. She can be kind but may not ever grow to love them. It's unreasonable to expect it of her, they have their own grandparents.

I think great them (as in presents) should be equal but you can't expect her to love the all the same.

I appreciate your responses, and completely understand that the love will be there with our LO as she's her child's Daughter, however the way she behaves when we're in her company leaves my 2 Daughters from a previous relationship feeling isolated from their own family... Yes, they have other Grandparents, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for her to at least try get to know them and make that effort doing so! I don't expect her to feel the same love that she does for her biological Grandchildren and appreciate that it was my partner's decision to take them on and welcome them in to his life, but they're innocent young children who are pushed out of their own family dynamic!

Hi girls3, Im a granny to 1 little girl, but she has 2 older sisters who I love dearly & try to treat as much as I can the same as DGD. They both call me Granny too, I send them all gifts & we do "stuff" when we are together.
I consider this as respecting my adult son's partner & her other children. But, I do know that in the event of any education or health & safety concerns I am the step-granny & immediate blood lines take precedence for any decisions or choices to be made.
I like to think that the children shouldnt be disadvantaged, lots of families are blended nowadays.
This adult child of mine was born from my 1st marriage & adopted by my 2nd husband - not all children will live with their DM of DF so the families of the new blends should just get on & accept them as part of a whole family & not differentiate

When you say she treats them in a way that excludes them, what do you mean?

If she’s actively excluding your other children by ignoring them that’s totally unacceptable.
However, if she’s for example getting her granddaughter little gifts but not your older two then it’s up to you how you explain it. They won’t be damaged if you say “well your daddy and nanny and granddad etc get you little gifts/spend time with you/ do days out with you and not baby too. It’s the same my darlings”

Do your ex’s family include your new baby in everything? Do they by him/her presents the same as your older two? If the answer is no then can’t you see how it’s the same with your partner’s mum?

By excluding I mean throwing a 'joint' birthday party for my eldest Daughter with her biological Granddaughter (our niece), and treating them worlds apart. We mentioned before attending the party that we understood she'd gift our niece more presents, but could she do that privately (she was staying over that night and her birthday wasn't till days later, so there was plenty of opportunity to do so), but instead she laid out a huge pile of gifts for our niece and left a card laid out and a small token gesture next to it for my Daughter. I've not brought up my children to be 'spoilt' in anyway, and by no means do I believe love is shown through gift giving, I would much rather have someone's presence in my children's life than a gift, however I don't believe children can understand that at such a young age, and simply see one child been gifted more than the other, and my Daughter truly felt that. Later that evening, my Mother in law also uploaded a photo from the day, a 'family' photo, which she cropped my 2 Daughters out of and just left my partner with our LO. The following day we spent the evening with my ex and his new partner, my parents and his parents/siblings for my eldest birthday; you wouldn't have known from the outside looking in that they were not all biologically related to my ex's family.

Whose idea was the joint party? Was it referred to like that in the planning stages?

It's a funny one because from the outside it seems like you are inviting problems that don't need to be there - one of those children is her grandchild and the other is not, it's only natural that she would have a whole party in mind for one and just a nice gesture for the other, but unless they literally share an actual birthday and that was the day you saw her, there was no need to make it a joint party and highlight those differences. It would be very strange and as you say unkind if she had chosen to do it this way, so are you sure the "joint" party idea wasn't somewhat foisted on her? She probably didn't want to have to quietly pass on her gifts to her grandchild almost as though she was ashamed of them, she just wanted to be able to celebrate freely like any grandparent would without being issued conditions because of your kid, so the sensible thing to do to avoid problems like this would be to not mix the parties. Let her enjoy her grandchild, but don't create circumstances that make that particularly obvious to your child.

I can't find it in me to blame her for the photo thing really - the face she wants to show the world is a very personal thing and doesn't effect your children at all, perhaps she feels she doesn't get a chance to appreciate her family without expectations and criticisms that she should be constantly considering yours, so to have a photo of just her family meant a lot to her. You were not in that photo either so it was clearly just a "generations" type photo, as in three generations of the blood family and nobody else, which is a very common family photo. She probably felt she couldn't ask for a photo to be taken without yours at the time because she knew how you'd react, so she just cropped one instead.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I do think it is tough for wider families when one person decides to become a blended family and suddenly they are all under constant pressure to feel and act a way that does not come naturally to them due to something that was not their choice.

I see both sides. Whilst I understand the need for equality, it is difficult when there is no blood relation and no bonding from birth. Her actual grandchild will always mean more than her step grandkids, some people are good at making things seem equal, others are not.

It’s unrealistic to expect her to feel any other way. Maybe explain this to your daughters so they have no expectations from her. I would imagine it’s difficult to bond as a grandparent when you don’t have regular frequent contact which I am assuming is the case here? Her natural priority is her own grandchild, maybe her son needs to try to get her more involved with his step children.

I appreciate the comments made, and that only a short snippet has been explained in this post so it's difficult to appreciate and understand the situation in full. I've tried putting myself in my Mother in laws shoes, so can understand the comments that have been made.

The party was planned as a 'joint' party, it was arranged by my Mother in law and under no way was she pressured in to it. My eldest Daughters birthday is only a few days apart from our nieces, and as much as the sentiment meant a lot that she threw a 'joint' party, it wasn't felt at the time.

My Mother in law didn't choose to be part of a blended family, however has one of her own and has expected all parties to treat her children from her past and current relationship equally. It rattles me and baffles me that she can't show the same for two young innocent children in this situation.

As for the family photo, again, I can put myself in her shoes and understand why she would want 'blood line generations' but to crop them out of a photo speaks a thousand words to us; they are not her Grandchildren (which is already shown in lack of getting to know them), even though my partner looks at all 3 children equally, and treats them as his own.

The gift giving - well of course she wants to spoil her Granddaughter, it's what Grandparents love to do! At no time did we expect any less, or suggest so, we simply asked that it wasn't pushed in front of my Daughters face which I don't think is unreasonable to ask. It was neither one of their birthdays on this day, so it would have been easy enough to step back and do it a little later or on the birthday itself, OR throw the party simply for her Granddaughter alone, so it didn't leave any room for upset.

I appreciate it's unrealistic to ask her to love and care for my 2 Daughters in the same way she does her biological Grandchildren, it's only natural for her and like it's been said, some find it easier than others to take on a 'Step' role within a blended family... I don't expect her to do what may be the impossible!

It's just a difficult situation, as if this was a post based on my partner treating our LO very differently from my Daughters from a previous relationship, the advice given would be 'That's not acceptable' or somewhere along those lines of thought! It's quite disheartening to think that I've basically got to just accept that my children will be treat differently as soon as we're in her company, but would be unfair to not put ourselves in that situation and disallow a relationship between my Mother in law and her Granddaughter 🤷🏻‍♀️

I thought co-parenting was difficult but this is a whole new ball game that I can't understand...

My DSD has more “grandparents” (and half aunts and uncles) than she knows what to do with, thanks to divorce/remarriage and it’s a lot for a young child to make sense of. The last thing she needs is my parents taking on the grandparental role too!

That said, mum in particular (my dad doesn’t quite know how to relate to young kids, bless him) has always made an effort to spend time with DSD and build their own nice relationship, presents and Christmas an birthdays, Easter eggs, occasional random nonsense she’s spotted that she thinks DSD would like. She says this is even more important since my DS, her first grandchild, was born. Her logic is that although she absolutely doesn’t feel the love a grandmother would, her grandsons sister is a very important part of the family and deserves to be treated as such and not forgotten about just because DS is here now. This is possible without forcing the role of grandmother. It’s a question of getting the balance right.

How do your DDs see this lady? Do they think of her as their grandmother? Maybe the expectation level needs adjusted if they do?

I can see what you mean and how it could be worse than we interpreted it from reading, it's hard to tell the actual nature of the relationship just from one post so we can only really offer advice on principle.

In principle, I think what you need to do is accept that they have different family and not try to act as though they don't, but not allow situations that are likely to cause upset. For example, I don't think there's anything wrong with her giving lots more gifts to your niece than your daughter or wanting to give them to her at her actual party - but it should not have been a joint party. It was stupid of her to suggest a joint party if she didn't plan on making an effort to make it seem "joint". You should just say no to anything like that in future.

Teach your children that they all have different family but that's ok and not something to be upset about, and that for your elder two she is just a nice lady they know but they have their own grandma. If they don't think of her as their grandma, there's no need for them to feel disappointed.

I do understand your frustration in this case though, the hypocrisy involved is particularly annoying.

What you describe here really does not sound reasonable to me. Sure I get the whole bloodline thing, but these are little kids and the bottom line is that they just shouldn’t be made to feel excluded, or treated as less important than other kids.

I grew up with two half brothers and always felt a little sad for them as my grandmother did not treat them the same as she treated me. She did nothing as extreme as what you’re describing here, but I was stil acutely aware that my half brothers, who I was as close to as my full siblings were being treated differently. It just didn’t make any sense to me.

I think your husband should have a word with his mother. You don’t have to love someone to treat them with kindness, especially not when dealing with little kids. Making them feel excluded is never acceptable and hopefully, if your DH explains to his DM that this is potentially upsetting, she’ll adjust her behaviour. Is it possible that she’s just not aware that she’s potentially upsetting your kids?

I think it's different when you choose to date someone with children and then treat your own favourably, because you chose to date someone with a child, and have to accept the consequences of that.

However, your DH's parents never asked for this situation, they didn't ask for more children to be brought into their lives, and they can't force a bond that isn't there. Your children must know that they're not their grandparents.

Do they see your parents and their father's parents? If so, I'm sure they have all of the grandparently love that they need.

I know it's difficult, particularly now their sibling gets this attention, but you can't just expect other people to treat your kids like they're relatives when they're not.

The joys of stepfamilies eh!

My thoughts are she didnt need to make it so obvious your DD got a little gift, but you do need to tell your DC, she is not their actual grandmother, so they understand why she treats them differently.

The photo thing... I've had similar experience and I just wish the other person had got out of the photo. It was me, DH and our DC. I wanted some family pics and SIL just didn't use common sense and step out...so I cropped her out of a few.

If she offers to throw a joint party again, decline and if she asks why feel free to tell her.

It isn't nice if she behaves in a way that excludes them... perhaps your DH should raise it with her.

Does he notice?

It was actually my partner who picked up on the issues, he raised them with her (alongside some on going ones) and she threw a tantrum, didn't want to listen or have an adult conversation! I suggested that he gave her a few days to 'cool off' as she likely felt upset after she believed she put effort in with this 'joint' party, but within half an hour I received a cruel and rude message via WhatsApp telling me that I'm not allowing her to be a Nana because we're not ready for our LO to stay away just yet (she's 3mo), and calling me an idiot along with some other names/labels!y previous comment still stands that this is only a snippet of what's been happening/on going with my Mother in law...

Now after reading these comments, I can truly appreciate how she must feel standing in her shoes but it's an awkward situation when my Daughters are left feeling unwelcome in her company! They call her 'Nana insert name' but have never expected much from her, mainly because she hasn't put the effort in... However now it's painted very differently, as she showers our LO with gifts and love, wants to spend time with her but doesn't involve the girls in any of this. Like I said before, I understand that she can't be forced in to a having a Grandmotherly relationship with them/holding that love but there's other ways to make them feel comfortable in her company and not make them question their place in her family (shown in how uncomfortable they feel in her home).

I might be old fashioned and getting it wrong as I would never be in your situation but do you think it is because you're not married to your boyfriend? Some people do think like that - you might feel that it is wrong but that is their way of thinking and entitled to their opinion. Could you have a chat with your boyfriends mum about it? It does seem a little unfair.

They aren’t her family though. They have their own grandparents for that.

As another poster has said, your DP chose a relationship where there were existing children but his parents didn’t have a choice. It’s only natural they will favour their actual grandchild.

Hmm it’s a tough one, my mum dealt with that as a child. She was bought up my her stepdad, called him dad and he has been in her life since she was 3. No contact with her own father. She has often spoke about how his mum would buy things for her 2 ‘step’ cousins while leave her out and how the cousins would ask their nan if she could stay the night with them and she would always say no. She hated the woman and I have no doubt your children will have no love for your mil.

Having said that perhaps your mil feels as if your two girls have their 2 sets of grandparents and presumably their dad is still part of their lives so she does not see her son taking the role of dad?

I would just step the girls back where she is concerned, she has made it clear she does not see them the same as her grandchildren so don’t encourage them to see her as a nan.

I'm assuming your older daughters will get presents, days out etc. with their father, parents, aunties, uncles, cousins etc. they won't include your youngest will they? How will you explain that to the youngest? How is this different?

His parents

Dd and dsd essentially only have one set of grandparents, dp’s parents. Nobody would ever guess which was their biological grandchild. And when or if both girls have dc, I can’t imagine treating them differently when the only difference between both of my girls is genetics.

The only differences between how dp’s parents treat grandchildren is more involvement with one of his siblings dc over the rest, for entirely understandable and logical reasons.

“Step grandparents” don’t choose to have those children in their lives, so I think it puts them in an awkward position. Of course they’re allowed to love their own grandchildren more and treat them more and help with their upbringing.

My parents are taking my children away for a week during the October half term. Their older sibling gets plenty of holidays with their own family members so although my parents might feel a bit awkward not taking dsc, I will definitely be reassuring them that it’s perfectly ok not to take them.
They are really fond of dsc but I think there is a line they draw because they know dsc has grandparents and their mum’s side of the family. This is blended families remember - different sets of families and different sets of circumstances.