LGBT Step Parent

[Chloe198]

I'm in a female same sex relationships. I contribute to 50% of the bills, do the shopping and plan cook all the meals. We have my partners 2 chlidren 50% of the time even though it's like they stay at a hotel which has got better as I've insited they need to contribute even a little. We live in an affluent area with their father living close. Her 2 children Jack 12 Jill 14, they don't go without and have a very comfortable happy life.
I am struggling with Jill, whilst I care very much about them both I find somethings hard. We have been together for some time and the LGBT thing isn't an issue but the jealously from Jill is getting worse.
My partners just had a milestone birthday. For her present I've booked a trip for us both for NYE. I told Jill I had booked a trip so she knew it was just for her mum, we'd gone to get the dinner for the night I rushed to the shop at 10:30pm to buy flowers as she didn't think she'd got her mum enough (I'd given her money to get presents already but anyway you do it even though I was at work for 4:30am). I Involved them both they did the cake etc. So it wasn't just me taking the credit. I make a big effort with them but her behaviour is challenging it's not big things just little supconcious things she does (which I don't think she knows she does them sometimes). E.g. she was asked to give privacy and not walk straight into the bedroom when I'm in there she pretends she dosen't realise as wants the territory so I don't have any space to myself as my bedroom is also hers. If I've been on lates she'll be over the top loud. Her and her mum spend alot of time together they are very close and I'm mindful to leave them chatting and not always join them so they have 'there time'. We do things all together but I'm not in a rush to again, as we recently took her away she was so ungrateful and battled about little things. We're all going on a holiday in a few months plus a city trip in a few weeks etc. (She is included and does more than I got to do when I was young)
So I give my partner the present after putting alot of effort into clues, decorations etc I went the whole hog to make her feel as special as possible.
Well, all four of us doing presents together I gave her the surprise last, well It was the biggest anti-climax and all that effort for nothing I am gutted. Jill was jealous then made it about her. She did this weird hugging of her mum for about 5 minutes so her Mum couldn't get excited it then got really awkward I then found myself having to justify and explain to my partner why I can't afford 4 thousand pounds to take us all and said to Jill that her mum had had to wait until now to be able to go as it's a 1 in a lifetime trip for 4days, she wasn't missing xmas as it's the 28th (which they always go to there Grandparents). She then didn't look/talk to me all night and tried to keep me to the side of the pics, which I ignored a d still made a big effort to be nice (even though I could have torn a strip off her) We earn the same and my partner didn't save but has started to, so I have always paid for our holidays but I can't afford to pay for 4 people. I like to go away just little trips here and there when we don't have them, but then my partner feels bad as she hasn't done anything with the kids (even though she does do things which frustrates me as I then say well save up and so something then!) So I always have to feel bad about booking something, which I get is horrible for her as she is i
the middle. There Dad is a good guy and well off and yet he dosen't take them on big holidays when he could even didn't do many before they seperated- but I'm the bad guy?. The main point is are you not allowed to treat just your partner and take myself on holiday? It is good to show what a loving relationship looks like. I feel guilty that I should either take them all or not go at all. I work hard and save and I didn't go on proper holidays until I was 18 I've had no money for myself recently as it all goes on them. My mum was on her own and I didn't feel hard done to. I find hard to feel sorry for 2 children and annoys me she think's she is hard done to when. Jack was brilliant as he knew and said wow that must cost alot and that he wouldn't want to go. I can handle Jack much better than Jill as I find it hard I can't say anything about how well she has it and how selfish she was and should be more grateful she is a lovely girl but this hidden battle for attention I don't actually take part in and leave her to it. Is it my money where do you draw the line as my bank will only stretch so far...

I just want to say that parenting teenage girls is hard no matter what. I wouldn't take her behaviour too personally I have two teenagers of my own and 2 step-children also teenagers, all difficult in their own ways and sometimes you just have to let it go, easier said than done I know. As for money you have to talk to your partner about this, what she is comfortable with and who pays for what. It seems to me you shouldn't be paying for your step-kids, but if you have a combined income, savings, outgoings etc you have to figure out how that is shared so there is no bad feelings. Re a trip alone, hell yes being a parent is hard and whether they're your kids, step kids whatever, time away just the two of you is important, as long as you're not missing something important for the kids or letting them down or leaving them without someone to look after them it's fine to have some alone time.

Oh Chloe that sounds awful. Normally in these situations I'm in the stepchilds camp because I was a stepchild who really disliked my mum's partner - but here I'm with you. It sounds as though she's jealous of your relationship with her mum (if her parents relationship was poor, she was maybe used to never having to compete for her mum's attention?). She's probably also jealous that you are going on holiday without her - but that's her issue, not yours.

I don't have much advice, but you have my sympathy. I'm also LGBT, so I feel you in that regard too.

Teens are selfish creatures, but also I'm not sure what reaction you expected from Jill as a 14 year old when you make the main surprise present to your DP something that excludes her.

You'd have been better telling your DP privately.

When you say your bedroom is also hers what do you mean ? If you mean she treats it like her own room then agree that's wrong, but if she genuinely doesn't have her own room that's another story.

Stop spending so much of your money on them, as it's leaving you broke.

If you're going on the 28th December for 4 days, you'll be there for NYE?

If my OH had booked a surprised trip for just the two of us over NYE without telling me before when it would mean being away from my kids then, I wouldn't have been happy with.

Surprised trips are great, but not so much when you have children and especially not over a key celebration time. Even if they go and stay at their dad, she probably would have liked to decide herself.

I agree with swing

Agree with Sandy.

FWIW NY is on the dream destination for many teens and could explain why your partner feels particularly guilty. Hopefully Jack's attitude will help soften the guilt.

I wouldn’t bother again... next time take your Mum or sibling or friend and leave your partner to be with her kids.

We have assumed this ‘kids come first’ culture which means that everyone else comes second, third or last or quite often, not at all. No-one is allowed to have anything for themselves, however small or rare that thing might be. Nope, what you must do is put yourself last on the list, spend all your money and all of your time and all of your energy on the children and treat yourself like you do not matter at all and that any needs or wants you may have, must be extinguished. That includes dreams, treats and aspirations.

Jeez... what a way to live.

So next time, you go and leave them to it or prepare yourself for meaning nothing to everyone around you and to yourself.

So we've recently just returned from all four of us going away. It was awful and by day 4 I wished I could have swam home. The negative attitudes, ungratfulness and constant bickering and fighting between 2 older children has driven me to the edge. I tried my best but found myself walking either in-front/behind on my own as they both made a be-line to walk next to and link onto thier Mum. It was like clockwork. I did give up. Which we spoke about, but eve she admitted it was a huge stuggle and won't rush to do it again.
They said to their Mum I don't like them, but It was just so hard. 8 out of 10 minutes was needless fighting/name calling. After 3 hours they would get on but by then I'd had enough.
We've been home a few days and things have come to a ahead. I'm starting to resent the situation. The custody is 50/50. However every Saturday my partner steps in for lifts, sport watching when it is her ex's weekend and most of the time last minute and doesn't tell me which winds me up. We are on the brink and life has just been soo busy. This Saturday we have the chance to just "be". So I imagined we'd have the whole day. But no after 4 awful weeks and something each Saturday my partner wants to watch her lad play football. She has had ample chances but now feels bad??...it's now at the point that I am making her choose. I've tried to explain I would neve do that. But I am upset we arn't on the same page and to have one Saturday together in 3+ months is asking too much. I do loads just bought her a car, shopping, cooking when we have the children things get dropped on me last minute. I am really struggling- am I being unreasonable?

Eh no! Sounds awful op & sounds like your dp & her ex & her kids still have all the good parts of family life - at your emotional & financial expense.
Tbh it really doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship. If I were you I'd be asking myself if it's really worth it.

Late to the post - hope things have gotten a little better .. just reading through it seems as if your money is only good enough 🤷🏻‍♀️

From your posts it comes across as you give give give .. what does your partner contribute? I get that she has kids but to you solely .. do you even count? Do you get treated?

You both need your own time and to all that say the kids always come first hold back ! Every relationship needs nurturing .. and the OP needs some alone time with her partner .. not all the time just some time .. 🌷

Hope your partner can see your point of view .. if she is not willing to set aside some alone time with you .. it would seem that this will be another parting (divorce)