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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What do I do?

28 replies

Neisha98 · 12/09/2019 22:17

I've got a feeling that my boyfriend's daughter with his ex, isn't his. The daughter will be 5 in December, and doesn't look like him at all. We recently had our own daughter, and looking at her you know she's his. But the 5 year old, it's difficult. His ex admitted to cheating, and that led to them splitting. But there's so much more. The ex got her mum to break into my boyfriend's house, as he had their daughter, and the exes mum took the daughter away and called the police on my boyfriend. The police noted defensive wounds on my boyfriend and dropped everything. By the time he was released, his ex and daughter had moved to the other side of the country.

A few weeks ago we went to their flat, as my boyfriend wanted to see his daughter. And their flat is a mess. Dirty laundry everywhere. The daughters clothes never looked clean. The food the daughter was given was either over done or under done, it was literally thrown in the oven. We also saw a big scar on the daughters arm. The ex and her new boyfriend bring in a motorbike, and the daughter leaned on it just after it was turned off, burning her arm. They have a parking space, so why the bike was inside is beyond me. And the fact the ex let her daughter near the bike, is also beyond me. This isn't the first incident in which the daughter was burned.
The ex burned the daughter with boiling water by letting the daughter cook dinner with her. Preparing dinner is fine, as long as you keep the child away from hot and sharp things. But it just looks like the ex can't be bothered to be a proper mother. She keeps demanding my boyfriend get a better job, our guess is so she gets more money.

What do we do? What are your thoughts? I need help, as does my boyfriend.
Note, we do pay child maintenance. It's by direct pay.

OP posts:
Sunflowers211 · 12/09/2019 22:31

Mind your own business Hmm

Bookworm4 · 12/09/2019 22:34

Contact SS. You can’t base parentage on looks, of my 4DC; 2 look very alike the other two you wouldn’t think they were related to anyone!

Original poster
Neisha98 · 12/09/2019 22:49

There's also the fact that because they were both about 16, they used protection.
This is my business because this situation is very distressing to my boyfriend. I will get involved if I want to protect him.

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 12/09/2019 22:52

I'm not sure finding out the daughter he's been parenting for the past 5 years isn't his would be a good way to 'protect' him.

Original poster
Neisha98 · 12/09/2019 22:55

Yet he deserves the truth. He's aware of the facts. He knows it's a possibility. I'm looking for help not criticism. If you have nothing helpful to say, get lost as this is serious.

OP posts:
pigeononthegate · 12/09/2019 22:57

Does it matter whether or not she is biologically his? He has been loing and parenting her since birth. That is a question only he could answer, and IMO it's not your place to raise doubts, especially on the basis of a child's looks which is a pretty flimsy basis for anything.

The important issue here is that the child isn't being safeguarded properly and has been injured in her mother's care - assuming the information you have given is accurate. What does your partner say about this? I would call social services, personally.

Original poster
Neisha98 · 12/09/2019 23:02

Sadly they're true. I'm worried about her. My boyfriend sadly never sees her as we are in the south of England and she's near Leeds. He sees her twice a year. And the doubts were raised by him to me. He's the one that started doubting it. I've been watching all this for nearly 2 years. And I think at this point the truth will clear his mind. As for the daughter's treatment, we have spoken to social services. They did nothing.

OP posts:
TwentyEight12 · 12/09/2019 23:16

I’m really in two minds about your post.

One part of me wants to believe you are being super diplomatic about describing scars and burns on the child whilst tentatively referring to scenarios in which they may have accidentally been caused whilst in the care of certain adults.

The other part of me wants to believe you are deliberately inferring and/or suggesting the scars and burns are due to deliberate abuse and neglect of the child by the adults/parents.

I therefore do not feel I could comment either way or another.

What I will say is this, any person who is genuinely concerned about a child’s welfare above and beyond the socially awkward dynamics surrounding custody, will mostly post about the child’s welfare issues and leave the ‘he said, she said, we said’ out of it.

If you are GENUINELY concerned for the welfare of the child and GENUINELY believe the child is being harmed, please do contact Social Services and inform them of your GENUINE concerns.

Mumsnet nor any other forum can nor should be your conscience where you believe a child is being harmed in the way you are describing ie. boiling water.

You shouldn’t have to put this to a poll of strangers if your primary objective is the welfare of the child.

If you have posted because your back is up regards custody/visitation/Child Maintenance/other... and you want to invite drama. I’m not with you.

converseandjeans · 12/09/2019 23:17

Do a DNA test then you'll know.

Original poster
Neisha98 · 12/09/2019 23:20

As I said before, we did contact them. Months ago now. Nothing's been done. I worry about her I really do. Sadly I've got the pictures to show what happened to her. I really wish I was lying about this because I love that little girl. We really bonded when we went to visit her. I don't want to see her come to any harm. There's so much more to this that I'm hesitant to tell you about, but it's all a cause for concern. I hope she's my boyfriend's child, then I know we can actually do something meaningful about her situation.

OP posts:
Techway · 12/09/2019 23:23

What was the situation where police was called?
I assume you are similar age, 20/21? If so why do you want to get involved in this drama..sounds harsh but you are naive if you accept he was perfectly behaved throughout this.

TwentyEight12 · 12/09/2019 23:24

Is your boyfriend’s name on the birth certificate as the ‘Father’ of the child in question?

Original poster
Neisha98 · 12/09/2019 23:26

Sorry but I'm a firm believer that just because a man is on the birth certificate it doesn't automatically mean they're the biological father. I've seen it before. Women cheat. In this case the ex admitted to cheating on him with his friend.
We will do tie DNA test. And enquire again with social services to raise our concerns.

OP posts:
TwentyEight12 · 12/09/2019 23:26

What did you report to Social Services?

What was the findings of their report/inspection/assessment?

blissa1 · 12/09/2019 23:28

DNA test swab her send away £100 simple

TwentyEight12 · 12/09/2019 23:36

Hmmm....

I’m not sure about this post.

I’ll leave this I think

PerfectPenquins · 12/09/2019 23:41

Well he cant be that concerned to see the child so rarely yet believe she is being neglected to the point she has been burned more than once. You need to stop with the we so much, it should be him. Why did you go to the home? It's not you paying maintenance its him. What has he done to try and be closer to his child, why no DNA test?, court etc?

TrainspottingWelsh · 12/09/2019 23:42

I agree with pigeon. Biological father or not, he’s her dad.

Whether it’s better to know for when she’s older is one thing, but I’d strongly advise to keep quiet about it until all safeguarding concerns are over, he has far more power to change the situation as the dad than as a random ex. A biological parent has assumed rights, but if he effectively relegated himself to a short term step parent, he won’t have any assumed rights.

Unless of course he just wants an excuse to leave it in the hands of services and walk away.

readitandwept · 12/09/2019 23:43

If you "love" her after meeting her, what, 4 times, why are you waiting for confirmation she's his kid before you do something "meaningful" about her situation? He's on the birth cert. If a dna test confirmed he wasn't her dad, what then for this child you both love??

And why is he only seeing her twice a year?? Distance is not relevant. They live in the same country.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2019 00:03

You can’t possibly love her. You’ve only met her a couple of times Hmm Why on earth does he see her so little? It’s still the same country, it’s not like he’s crossing oceans.

Two completely separate issues here and your thread title is about the less important one. They’d only be connected if he was worried she was being neglected or abused and was being told he wasn’t the father therefore couldn’t intervene. But that’s not the case at all so either focus on how to improve this child’s life by pursuing the relevant agencies and removing her from a dangerous parent or try and prove she’s not your boyfriend’s daughter and your own child’s half sister. By trying to show she’s not his at this particular point you leave yourself open to accusations you’re trying to remove her from your life so you can focus, and get your boyfriend to focus, on your new baby. Not that he has much involvement with her now, but she’s part of his life that predates you that you seen keen to discredit somehow.

If it turns out you’re right, then what? Pretend she doesn’t exist? Leave her with a potentially abusive mother and her boyfriend and focus on your own family? He’d lose any chance of having a say in what happens to her.

readitandwept · 13/09/2019 00:16

You're a step parent. I would be horrified in this position. Does your partner have parental responsibility? If so, keep the child with you and contact child services about the mother neglecting the child. Then get your partner to file for full custody. That's the best thing for the child.

You posted this on someone else's similar thread (although that one didn't imply physical harm to the child) So why haven't you and your partner done this and more for the child you claim to love?

CJsGoldfish · 13/09/2019 00:24

He only sees her twice a year??

If he can't even put in the effort to see her, I'm not sure why you are wanting to 'do' anything? Also not sure how you 'bonded' after seeing her once or twice but that's not the point I guess.

Is this about wanting to not have to pay for her? Two kids by, what 21 or so? You might want to really look at this whole situation OP. Is he actually doing, or wanting to do, anything about this or is he sitting back, not even making the effort, and letting you take the lead here?

Sotiredofthislife · 13/09/2019 06:40

You live at the opposite end of the country, see the child twice a year, yet know such details as burning, over cooked/undercooked food?

Yeah, right. You really should take note of the police involvement. He will turn that on you when it suits him.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 13/09/2019 06:46

rosedream · 13/09/2019 07:20

If he's questioning whether he's the biological father and it's niggling at him , then he needs to get it tested to find out.
He also needs to voice his concerns to SS after each incident and even log his concerns with the police. Unfortunately there is not much more he can do.
I would suggest he talks to the citizens advice bureau for advice on how to proceed.

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