What do I say!?

[flossy12]

So meeting DC mother on the weekend and I have no idea what we're going to talk about! I have all these ideas in my head but feel like I'll get stage fright when it actually happens 😩😫 anyone been in a similar situation? Have been around DSC for a couple years now, lives with us half the time but is only young

Any help would be appreciated

Just allow the conversation to flow naturally and freely. Be polite and friendly as you would with anyone else.

I’d be tempted not to focus all the conversation on and around the children until you sense whether or not she feels comfortable enough to discuss this with you. If she does, allow her to broach you about it.

Also, you are two human beings with other things going on in your life outside of children. She probably talks about children all day long one way or another but I imagine little focus goes onto who she is as a person anymore. Find common ground talking about TV, Music, Art, Politics, Food, Clothes, Holidays etc or whatever it is.

Hello, how are you, how was your summer.

Light and casual.

(I’d be bricking it too)

Thing is she hates me, always has done since me and OH got together, hates me being around DSS and so I made the point that she has never met me and I have never done anything to cause the hatred 🤷🏼‍♀️ she eventually said she wanted a clean slate so I suggested we meet and she's cancelled on the last few occasions but seems to be up for it this time so it's not like it's all new 😑

Did she hope to get back with dp?

I see...

So, she wants to meet you because she wants to put her poor behaviour towards you in the past and by meeting you it will be a fresh start. Have I got that right?

Has she apologised for her poor behaviour?

Do you want to meet her?

Just be polite and friendly. Even if the conversation turns nasty, keep the upper hand and walk away.

Personally I wouldn't bother if she has been a bitch in the past, so you honestly think things have changed?

I'd start with how lovely her children are, it's what you have in common. Just don't give her any ammunition for future dislike. Calm and neutral, and if it doesn't go well keep away for a while. Some day you will have to deal with weddings, graduations and christenings - if you can move to least polite respect these will be so much better.

I was in same situation 11 years ago. I was hated slagged off even though she didn't know me and had never met me. I was not the other woman or anything. Meeting was actually not as bad as i thought it would be fast forward 11 years we're very good friends and get on great.

Just be yourself is best advice. Good luck OP

I wont talk to my husbands BM.

I don't care for what she could say, I never talk to any of my previous partners exs and not going to make exceptions for her any time soon.

Where are you planning to meet up? My boyfriend's ex, (mother to their two DC) has asked to meet me because I'm spending time with the children.
I thought we should go out for drinks but my boyfriend vetoed that and said we could meet in a 'hi, bye' situation at pick up or drop off. He's worried I'll overshare, which is probably true .
I'm also worried about it. What do I say? But I feel it will be for the best and she won't just be the caricature that she currently is in my head (simply because I haven't met her).

Do come back and tell us how it goes!

@TwentyEight12 I feel it will be best to meet so that she can see my point of things and how the situation affects us all not just DSS I forgive how she was because she was young and it must have been hard for her (she had a new partner within a couple weeks of them breaking up)

I just want her to talk to me like an adult and explain why she feels the way she does and hopefully we can all start to be civil and get along 🤷🏼‍♀️ not just make silly arguments and try make things into a competition (who DSS likes/loves more out of parents and step parents 🙄)

@ButterflyOne1 @Tyersal @Disfordarkchocolate yeah I know I am going to be civil and level headed I always am as I can see things from the outside 🤷🏼‍♀️ we are pregnant now but not far along enough to be telling people so I want to try sort things before we tell her as going to tell her before we put anything on social media 😊

@Lovingthesunshine88 lately we have been civil and she's relapsed a couple times but it's due to other people getting involved and winding her up for their own entertainment 🙄 but I actually thing we would get on well, she doesn't have many friends from what I know

@Spritesobright we were going to go for drinks but I can't now 🤰🏼 (no one knows yet though) so just going to a cafe for a chat to see how t goes, even if nothing changes and we leave the same as we met she can't use the excuse that we've never met to not like me I suppose!

I will keep you all updated after it has all happened x

I think that when relationships break down between people who have had children together, it causes tremendous hurt and pain. If one ex should then become involved with a new partner, that new partner then receives the brunt of that hurt and pain. It’s called projection.

It’s not fair and it’s not right, but it is what generally happens as exemplified all over this forum and others.

Hurt people want to unload their pain and an ex’s new partner is a wonderful target to direct that at. I’ve had it also. Many of us have.

Everyone’s lives will be much more fruitful and happier if you can get on with one another. However, I must warn you - if she becomes continually verbally/physically/psychologically abusive towards you and/or your partner, it would be best for your well-being and relationship to cut the cord of friendship it’s her.

I would suggest that you do tell her you are expecting before you release it on social media. Not because you have to, but because it is courteous

@TwentyEight12 we've always said we would anyway nothing we do is to spite her we all just want to get along for DSS sake we can tell he's starting to pick up on things already, his mum has said his behaviour is changing at home with her and obviously kids change as they grow but I fear it's something to do with the situation

Do you mean his behaviour is changing for the worse or better?

What do you mean you fear it’s something to do with the situation?

If she is super nervous about losing him, which of course she won’t unless she was hideous, I’d maybe reassure her that she will always be his Mum and that you are not here to nor interested in replacing her.

@TwentyEight12 she's said that he is grumpy when he goes home and is getting angry? He isn't that way at ours? So I'm not sure what's happening

I've told her countless times I'm not trying to replace her and I never would want to, I love him to bits but he isn't mine and never will be I just want to be able to support OH in bringing him up well in our home (when he's here)

Although she doesn't believe me, as much as we reassure her

Personally, I think it’s one of three things:

It could be that at your house there is a certain dynamic and at his Mum’s house there is a different dynamic. He goes from one house to another and there is an adjustment that he has to make within himself in order to re-align with the household. It doesn’t mean anything is particularly wrong per se, it may mean he is loaded with the understanding and expectation that he must be one way in one home and another way in another home. The differences may be very slight in reality, but I think young children are exceptionally intuitive as their mental skills of logic and reasoning are not fully realised as yet, so they rely on their senses more.

Secondly, I imagine her natural feeling is to think there is something wrong and therefore he is either being upset when with you or he is being alienated by you from her. It’s human nature to always think/imagine the worst, it doesn’t mean it’s real though. It could just be projection from her onto him because she is super anxious about losing him.

Thirdly, kids will and do play parents/adults off against each other if they understand that the parents/adults don’t like each other and don’t have much to do with each other. They aren’t silly or stupid, they are quite clever and I don’t think as adults we give them enough credit sometimes.

I can’t tell you which scenario you have here, it may be a combination of some or all. Use your gut instinct to guide you.

Thank you, yeah he isn't stupid he does try to play them off each other sometimes even though he is quite young, I think it's more if I can do it as daddies (or mummy's) I want to to back to the other parent 🤷🏼‍♀️

He's always good at ours never had a problem except little phases he's gone through but all in all he's a great little chap!

I think not focusing on DSS in the Convo will help because it's about the relationship between us all A's support and co-parenting for them

Just want the silly games and controlling phases to stop as isn't good for anyone

If you’ve ever watched any nature programmes with how the little animals work their parents to get fed or get them to play... m it’s not very different from what little humans do!

I think you’ll do just grand, you have the best attitude. If she can’t be the grown up in this, then you be the grown up. I have learned that you learn more from a person by listening to them rather than talking. I think that may be true in this case.

I wish you lots of luck and please do keep us posted.

@TwentyEight12 haha yes that is true!! Thank you so much! I just want stud sorting now especially in the lead up to us telling her about us expecting as it will be a big enough change for DSS as it is without her acting the enemy

I will keep you all posted thank you for all the reassurance x

Meeting is happening today 👏🏼 pray for me ladies x

Good luck Flossy!

How you feeling?

@TwentyEight12 thank god it went fine 👏🏼👏🏼 it was REALLY awkward at the beginning but after 10 mins or so we were just ya big a good chat and a laugh so im hoping it went well, offered her a lift home and dropped DSS off at same time and all was well ☺️

Just messaged her to say thanks for finally getting to meet and she's said it was good to meet me

Everything seems settled for now, I'm so relieved 🤞🏻

Phew...

That sounds excellent! I hope it remains so