Is this normal for little boys?

[Pinkgirl1986]

My partner snapped badly at me today. I don't see the issue and I'm looking for opinions. He has 2 kids to 2 women and one of them doesn't have a mother as she abuses drugs and alcohol, therefore he has custody. His children are 7 and 3 year old boys. The 3 year old wanted to play at a certain part of the park, his dad (my partner) said no not yet, finish your sandwich first. Anyway the 7 year old said 'yeah finish your sandwich or I'll beat you up' then the 3 year old obviously turned round and said that he would punch him as he was obviously being influenced by that kind of talk. The 7 year old then responded with ill put you in the bin, that's where you belong. And anyway the conversation was a good 3 minutes of violent talk but in a childish-harmless kind of way but still thinks like I will punch you and beat you up. Anyway, the 7 year old doesn't have a mother. I am a mother myself but my child is too young to talk and my motherly instinct was to say 'that's not a very nice conversation to have boys' my partner soon jumped down my neck saying 'erm they love each other and they're joking they're not little thugs going yeah yeah I'm going to knock you out' and I said I know but however talking like this to each other is, well harmless, but what if they take this talk to the playground or think it is acceptable to talk like that? He said that's how little boys talk and I was wrong. Maybe I am wrong? I know little boys play fight and do all the boysturous stuff but I was just a little uncomfortable listening to little children talking about how they will beat each other up. Maybe I'm too sensitive and I understand kids should be kids but is violent talk necessary? Please correct me if I am wrong. I feel really embarrassed and was just feeling protective and motherly in some ways. I'd say it if I was my own child talking to a sibling like that. I'd just say that's not very nice. TIA x

Op I think you know what you should do. You obviously know the kind of environment you would like your child to grow up in, safe, secure and loved. You won’t accomplish that while with this man. We are validating you, you are correct. This is not a healthy relationship. You are worthy of respect. Good luck my lovely.x

@WitchyMcpooface thank you for your kind words x

Op. Stop questioning. It is abusive.

I don't know if your child is a boy or a girl but you are modelling the behaviour they are going to mimick in future relationships.
If you don't want a daughter expecting to be treated this way by a partner, or a son treating his partner how you are treated then you need to assess your relationship.

How would you feel if they were in a relationship like yours. I think that should tell you everything you need to know.

For what it's worth, you shouldn't ever feel tense and scared like you're describing, anywhere, but especially not in your own home

No it is not awful OP, the stuff he's saying about wanting his family name recognised and to not raise wimpy kids is going to turn his kids into nasty thugs like him.

But frankly I am astounded at how often on this thread you have brushed off his treatment of you to just focus on your concerns for his kids. It's lovely and kind of you to feel concerned for them, but my god, he is absolutely horrendous and abusive to you, you have a small child in the mix who is not his so you are not tied to him, why on Earth are you still with him???

His behaviour to you is 100% abusive. You don't need to wonder anymore or feel in any way like you deserve the way he treats you, it is and you don't. You need to get out.

I don't think you did anything wrong there at all and am surprised your partner would have an issue you with it.

I have three boys aged between 5 and 9. They bicker but never say anything like this.

@AE18 I'm just surprised and trusted him because I thought I knew him all them years and couldn't understand if he was a bad man, how he would get custody of his child. I thought that meant he must be a good dad and safe? However he works nights most of the time so his grandad mainly has his son through the week and he has him when he's not working. I thought his intentions of wanting a family were genuine but when I fell pregnant to him there was no excitement or niceness, it was all pressure on me then becoming a full time mum to his 7 year old. School runs, tea, etc... very pushy towards me. And when I finally had the termination after backing out twice, he wasn't there to support me. I told him he was a selfish man and his response was it was my fault he wasn't there and if he was selfish why would he take his children on holiday? I explained selfish people still take holidays... it's all been one big mind game that has been turned on to me now. That it is my fault he is nasty to me for not wanting a family with him. A family is all I want but I just aren't allowed to say or do anything that doesn't suit him. Daily I tread on eggshells. He makes me feel that without him I am not a good mum to my son. But I keep my son away from him and his kids as often as I can. And I dont leave in the fear of leaving now makes me feel worthless but I'm starting to gain strength daily in seeing that clearly I am a good mum, I care, I'm genuine and loving and I'll be fine. More than fine. So thank you x

Be the best mum you can be and leave him! However make sure you get support when you do this as it’s a dangerous time for women who leave abusive partners.

I'm starting to gain strength daily in seeing that clearly I am a good mum, I care, I'm genuine and loving and I'll be fine. More than fine

This is the truth.
Read these words over when you have a wobble.

Call Women’s Aid and be prepared to keep trying as it’s very hard to get through.

He sounds like scum. Why are you with this man?

Try and find a freedom program to do. Just because it's really good at explaining what you should expect from a partner in a relationship. I did it online. It was such an eye opener.

I did it when I started seeing my now DH and he must have thought I was mad with all the questions I asked. But my prior relationship had been very abusive and I'm a tough nut so it showed me some of my "normal" was very screwed.

I've gone beyond is it normal for boys....to please leave this abusive man.

Any decent parent would put a stop to violent talk. He is normalizing it...he'll be the kind of man who says all men watch porn.

Seriously...you not having a child with him.is a blessing. He's a misogynist and you could do with counselling for yourself.

You sound like you're trying to better yourself...you also sound vulnerable...just the sort of person an abuser likes, because it's easy to manipulate you.

I'm sorry for those boys...but get away for yourself and your child.

Hun it’s just sibling stuff think you’re being a bit too sensitive x

My 2 boys 11 & 6 talk like this to each other allllllllll the time and now like to hit each other and I leave them to it 😂😂😂 they’re boys and this will happen. My 2 act like they hate each other most of the day but come evening time or actually first thing in the morning they are loving, they sit together, talk together, tell each other they love one another, hug, they will say they miss each other.

Just sit back and laugh at it half the time that’s all you can do x

Sorry I just read the bits you wrote about your partner about being mean to you about post natal depression etc...you need to step out now before it’s too late and find someone who will be honoured to have a child with you!

He sounds absolutely dreadful.

I wouldn't allow my size year old to talk like that no.

*six even

Your response was exactly the response I’d have given to my 7yo and 5yo... but also, that type of language/ interaction is quite normal from age 3-9 (4dc here) and even with a rule of no computer games/ guns my eldest was junk modelling a “ Nintendo ds” age 3 in nursery as all his friends had a real one, and building guns from Lego. It’s much harder to keep them away from that sort of play than you’d expect once they interact with peers.
The interaction isn’t overly concerning, but, like you, I’d correct it (and like your partner, I wouldn’t see it as indicative of a bigger problem)

But your partner does sound a complete knob from your updates.

Op, I felt increasingly sad as I read your updates. This is not the man for you. He treats women with no respect unless they measure up to his crass judgements and do exactly as he tells them. He is moulding to small boys in his image, to use aggression to make a name for the family. He slaps them? How long until he slap you. Or worse, little boy.

He sounds all about control and nothing about kindness.

I know you may be tempted to stay to try to help his boys but he won’t change and you won’t get heard.

There is a better life for you and your little one away from him.

I think it's entirely normal for an older child to try to boss around a younger child and for children to experiment with threats as a means of control.

A parent should then intervene to correct the behaviour. Of course it isn't ok to let kids threaten each other or to slap them when you are in a bad mood. Frankly I think anyone describing teaching a child to be kind as wimpy has something wrong with them.

I get the impression you think this behaviour is inherently gendered: it isn't. My two girls would do this and I (a dad) would do exactly what you did.